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Not very good at these, but hello

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Well-Known Member
Ah, hello, I was a bit afraid of logging on and signing up for this site, but I figured there was nothing I could lose. I am 21 years old and I never thought I would end up feeling like I do. Please forgive me if my message is in any way confusing, I some times have difficulty getting my point across.

I am currently on my second year of college, even though it is just a community college, and I have maintained a 3.0 or better the whole time. Looking back on my life, I am fairly sure I was depressed when I was 16 years old and just could not admit it. In order to feel better about myself I would sleep around, drink, and smoke. I worked out a massive amount, in order to bulk up, and full fill what I thought was required for me to be socially accepted, and it sort of worked. I moved out when I was in college and got a job with my best friend, and though we were poor I thought we were maybe happy.

A year after my folks said they were moving to a separate state, and if I moved with them and continued school they would let me live with them for free. So seeing as most of the women I had flings with were married and my friends had all moved on and away I moved with them.

I spent a year working jobs here and there while I waited to be considered a citizen of the state, and discovered I disliked most lines of work. Over this time I felt my life was stagnating, and becoming dull, and that sleeping with my coworkers, drinking, and smoking were no longer filling the void in my life.

I went back to school, and discovered, for one reason or another, I felt I was unable to relate to them on a regular, human level. I felt I had forgotten how to make friends, and that the thought of messing up in social situations was paralyzing me, and preventing me from actually moving ahead with my life, socially anyway.

I decided I needed to change, at least a bit, and quit smoking a few months back, and only drink once a month or so now(Actually went all of last year without a single drink in me) and I thought that would help, but then a few weeks ago, when I was trying to go to sleep, I suddenly started feeling like my heart was clutched in some things grasp. It would beat faster, and faster, and my mind would flood with thoughts of my life. "What if I never go anywhere?" "What if I can't land a career with the economy the way it is?" "What if my parents get tired of me and kick me out before I can finish school and get enough cash to survive on my own?" "What sort of Career WILL I get into?" Questions like these dominated my thoughts and kept me up most of the night.

I thought it to just be a passing bit of depression, the weight of the world crashing down on me, but then it happened the next night, and the night after that. As a result, you get me posting my intro thread on here at 4 am in the morning when I have class in 4 hours.

Sorry if this was a bit long winded, and I am also sorry if anything I said was not right. Like I mentioned earlier in the post this was sort of a leap of faith, and I am not sure what to do. I just figured reaching out was the best first step.
Welcome malchance, im glad you decided to take that step, and i liked your entry, mostly becuase i felt like you were describing parts of my life, like tht void.... that comes in the middle of the night.. sort of.. i dont know about you... but that is somthign i dread i try to go to bed real ired or fall asleep while wathign a movie... .... the alternative is not good...
i do hope this sie helps.. i am 2 days new in this... i logged in during a bad night... but i started reading some of the posts.. and i did not feel so empty....
so alone... like something is missign ever heard that song its san g by brintey .. but it has a great line... "if there is nothign missing in my life... then why do these tears come at night"....
well i atully just wanted to say hello, but i always get carried away, and start writtin lots of thigns, and sometime they dont make any sense...
i wish you can get a bright smile today!


Staff Alumni
Hi Malchance and welcome...I think sometimes we scare ourselves, taking on all the possiblities at once..minds racing, fear in heart...but what I think we forget is that we also have the next day to deal with these things, and we can control, to some degree what we take on...I have felt like I was treading water in the middle of the ocean many times, and somehow, it did work out...please know there are so many ppl here who relate to what you have written...thanks for sharing and welcome again, J
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