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Not wanting change

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Ruby, Apr 5, 2008.

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  1. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    Is it normal not wanting to take steps into 'getting better'?

    I spend my days doing nothing. I sleep at messed up hours which means I go to bed at 6am and wake up around 3pm and when I do get up all I do is read, go on the internet and watch tv. It sounds idle, but I just don't have the energy or motivation to do anything else. I've been encouraged to do more, but I just can't be bothered. It just seems strange that I don't want to change my lifestyle. It's almost like I enjoy being this way.

    I think about suicide at least once a day. Most people would find that distressing, but I enjoy knowing that I can 'do anyway' with myself whenever I want. Most people with suicidal thoughts find them distressing and are in desperate need of intervention. With me I just want people to mind their own business and leave me alone. The psychiatrist told me that if I felt suicidal to call for help. I found that amusing as I like to keep my plans to myself. I planned an overdose for over a month and didn't tell anyone. Infact I used to have nightmares that someone would discover my stash of pills and thus stop me from doing it. The thought of someone stopping me doing it used to make me feel sick.

    I don't know what the point of this thread is. I just thought that someone who is suicidal is acutely distressed and depressed. Why isn't it like that with me? :blink:
  2. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    I don't have any answers for you but I just wanted to say I feel the exact same ways you do. I could have written that myself. I am comforted by suicidal thoughts. Not distressed by them in the least. I feel like it's odd that I am that way but I just accept it. I don't know... guess I'm just "weird".
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hey Ruby,

    I've been exactly where you are now. For half a year (Oktober/November 06 - May 07) I would go to sleep somewhere in the morning, often even after 10am, wake up somewhere in the afternoon, and even then I'd often stay in bed. I'd go downstairs for a bit of food around the time most people had already finished dinner.
    I just didn't have the motivation or energy to do anything other than laying in bed. All I did was sleep, and be online (sometimes watch tv or films). Housemates would try and pull me out of bed, but I'd get back in just as quick.

    Until I tried committing suicide. I ended up in hospital, some person from the crisis centre of the mental health care came to talk to me, and within a few weeks I was at therapy, 4 days a week in a group.

    When I just started therapy I found it hard, still didn't have the energy for it, just wanted to lay in bed all day every day...
    Now looking back, I'm glad I started therapy, cos it's helped a great deal and eventually it's so much better this.

    During the weekends I tend to fall back into that pattern, but on monday I force myself to go to therapy and it gets easier every time.

    I hope this reply was of any help to you and if I can give you one advice: I know it's hard, but in the end, seeking help and changing your lifestyle, really IS worth it :hug:
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It is not really that different to not want your life to change. The way you are living may not be what it should, but you are accustomed to it. Often times it is easier to continue on with what we know than to face the unknown. Fear keeps us from changing. You know what to expect should things stay as they are. Uncertainty surrounds the change and we live in fear of that.
  5. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    I would say that a lot of us feels the same.
    I need a very strong stimulus to make me go.
    but most of the time ,
    I feel just curling under the blanket.
    For many many years while I was
    going through a custody issue of my so
    n, I was homicidal,but I have a
    very good counselor to keep me from doing it.
    I come here to this forum to listen to others
    & somehow it releases my mundane feelings out.Listening to what other people say is like they are talking for me.And I can connect with their feelings .

    I wish I could talk to someone in a daily basis
    becoz it does help & so as listening to others also made me feel good.

    I would not worry about sleepinghabits,
    to some people night is day ,some what is dark is light.
    To some people may say I am dis organized
    but I know that it is not true becoz as i
    t looks different from them is always opposite
    to my own perception.

    This depression is very complex, sometimes the meds doesn't take effect
    in the same format. Sometimes we just need to go through it.
    Heck with what it is .
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2008
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    "A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step' (paraphrase; Buddha)...it sounds banal, but I do believe it...set your goals on one small thing...to get dressed, take a walk, explore something online you might want to learn, etc. and take as long as you need to accomplish this goal...movement, to counter apathy, is very important when one is depressed and feeling unsafe...it took a long while for me to get this lesson, and when I am stuck and I recognize it, I reach out to ppl to help me get back on track...all the best, J
  7. This is exactly how i feel im glad there are others like me.

    something that might be different though, i want to suround myself with things that remind me of this. i want to decorate my home with my own bloody hand prints and cut myself ALOT and stuff like that. I want to be around everything that fasinates me and wallow in my self doubt (i havnt thought about it enuth yet so that isnt completely acurate but its a decent sum up for the moment).

    I think my advancement through this feeling is more.. warped due to obsetions and such.
  8. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    I understand what you are saying. I like darker things because they remind me of myself. Now I don't know about bloody handprints, lol, but things kinda like it. But I also love cute and innocent things (ex. my My Melody comforter http://img.auctiva.com/imgdata/3/2/1/2/4/7/webimg/86776834_tp.jpg ). There are like these two halfs of myself. One sweet and adorable and the other completly obsessed with dark and depressing things. I've been this way as long as I can remember.
  9. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    When depression and suicidal feelings are all we've come to know, I guess some people can feel 'comfortable', so to speak, and actually getting better, the thought of it, produces a fear. It's a large step and can be daunting. I don't think it's 'unnormal' to feel the way you do. :hug:
  10. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    It's very normal. It's hard enough coping with what we have now, but thinking about some sort of change where we have no understanding and have so many fears about it going wrong or making things worse. It makes it a lot worse if you suffer from depression etc...
    You know what I do in those cases. I throw myself at it and if it buggers up then at least there will always be some things that won't ever change.
  11. Aye i love cute things too thats another of my obsetions o_O I find mixing cute with ┬┤darker things┬┤is a really cool effect, it keeps the inocence and at the same time that sinister element etc
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