Not wanting to get better..

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by delerious, Apr 29, 2008.

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  1. delerious

    delerious Active Member

    Do you ever feel like you don't want to get better? have you ever felt that you were getting better (being on medication or seeing a shrink or something) and then discontinued? i feel like that often..i don't know why. i suffer so much yet i could never handle the change, i can never see it going away yet i prevent it from happening anyway so there's even less chance of getting better. i feel like i'm weird, but like this is me..and if it goes away i'm not me anymore.
    i like how this makes me feel sometimes, i like my dark side and i feel it makes me different..i don't know why though, this does not seem like a good thing to think. do any of you ever feel the same?
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hey delerious,

    it's actually not that uncommon to feel the way you describe. As hard and painful it is to feel so depressed/down in the dumps/suicidal, at least it's a feeling you know and which you are used to. I can imagine the feeling 'I'm not me anymore if I get better', but I think you can get better, yet maintain a dark side.
    You're right about this feeling not necessarily being a good thing, as it can keep you from getting better.
    You see, if you're low and you are used to that (and especially if you have difficulties with changes), it's easy to stick in it. It's a familiar feeling, something that 'belongs' to you. Whereas you don't know what's around the corner if you get better, if you work on getting better. Why work for something which you don't know what it feels like if you can stay in something which you're familiar with? Something like that, I guess.
    Trick is to try and get past that. To try and work on getting better, despite feeling 'comfortable' in the familiarity of depression. Once you start seeing improvement in the way you feel, you'll feel better and wouldn't want to go back down.

    It's a double feeling really, isn't it? Like on one hand you don't want to feel this way, but on the other hand, it's a familiar feeling so you don't want it to change...

    I think a lot of people know that feeling :unsure:

    Okay I'm blabbing now, I'ma shut up :rolleyes:
  3. pastelmoon

    pastelmoon Active Member

    Its not an uncommon feeling. You've gotten comfortable being a certain way and change is scary. It will take a few small steps in the right direction to change your perception of things though. You can just as easily make yourself comfortable by doing the right things if you only try.
  4. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    Yes, I feel that way. I've had depression for at least 15 years now and I hate when things get better, because they only get much worse from my experience. I've been on Cymbalta for nearly a year with a positive outcome until now. I think this is just something I have to live with...
  5. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    All the time. I live that way. I've been living that way for as long as I can remember. Literally. I was about halfway through first grade when I started feeling this way. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm the only one who can help myself but for some strange reason that even I don't know, I don't want to.
  6. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Quite often. But then I realise just how horrible it is when I'm in such a dark place which I cannot get out of.

    The way my therapist works means that she gives me techniques to use when I feel like I am slipping. That way, if I feel I need to be in a melancholy mood (hence the name!) I can control it, and let myself slip just a bit. Sounds silly, I know :unsure:

    I suppose I like the self pity. That sounds even more silly. :blink:

  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I have been feeling low and depressed since I was 13, I am now 19 and nothing has changed in all that time, depressed is my normal state of mind, i cant imagine feeling any other way. I am currently in the process of 'recovering' from this state, but i actually dont feel i want to, i have let everything get so bad, dying seems the only option.:mellow:
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I think when you have lived your life feeling and living a certain way for so long you are scared to change or get better because it is what you know. Though, people can have various feelings are reasons not to want to get better or change.
  9. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    Yes, I feel that way. Part of the reason is that the effort to change seems so great that it feels impossible to do.

    Another part is that I'm scared of what my life will be like if I did change it. At least the way I'm living now, i know what to expect from life (even though i hate it). Different is scary i guess. I've always been a coward at heart.
  10. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I feel this conflict.. One part of me wants to change and the other part says 'No way..I love myself like this. I never want to change'. I hate that I get grumpy but I always find someone else to blame it on.. I hate how I behave sometimes but again I find someone else to blame it on.. What do I like about my depression and awful state of mind? I cant write poetry when Im like that..Some people may not like my work but many people love it and compliment it..Makes me feel so good...
  11. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Hmmm. Looking at some other responses. Fear isn't even really that much a part of it for me. It's just that I've tried to change so many times and it just isn't me. It feels all wrong and phony. It never lasts long. I just drift right back without even realizing I'm doing it.

    I don't see therapists because I've analyzed it from top to bottom. I know I'm not doing anything wrong that I could actually change even if I wanted to. Oh, I do know things I could try to change. But I've tried it all before and it never works.
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