Not What I Expected.

Let me begin my sob story. I know that I am not supposed to post anything that may be too revealing about myself, and I'm hoping what I'm about to say is alright. I am 19 years old and contemplating suicide for the second time in my life. The first time was when I was 14 and was going through a really hard time with a group of girls who were relentlessly bullying me. I had resorted to cutting myself, but my parents found out before I could do any more harm. But, now...I feel that I am more likely to actually go through with it. I just finished my first year of college and I screwed it up royally because I didn't take it seriously. I feel like everything is just falling apart and since I'm not a kid anymore, no one will want to help me out. I've lost my loan and have been suspended from my school for the fall. I think everything started going downhill even before the first semester even started. I found out that I didn't score high enough on my math placement test and had to be put in remedial math. Before that, I was so proud of myself because I had actually passed the test and I am seriously not good at math. AT ALL. Then it was just like a slap in the face. I did good...just not good enough. I have already resorted to cutting again but not very often. I take pain killers to make myself numb (so cliche, i know). I abuse illegal drugs and drink a lot. My parents have noticed that I'm showing signs of depression but I refuse to say that I am depressed. I keep pushing people away and isolating myself. I know I shouldn't do it, but I just can't stop. I don't know what to do. Everything is just not going well.

 

Hi and welcome...sorry I just saw this...maybe admitting that you are depressed and need help is a place to start...as it is said, we cannot deal with anything we do not admit to. The fall out of being depressed might have been your failing performance, so maybe looking at the root of the problem might be helpful...welcome again and please continue to tell us how you are doing...J

 

depression can really mess with you

i flunked out of my first year of university because of depression. i had to go on academic probation and repeat the year.

in the long run it didn't hold me back, i went on to grad school and to a great career. it just took me a little longer

i would say the first thing is to try and not push your parents away. let them help you. admit you are depressed and ask for some help. you can start to feel better and get a handle on these suicidal thoughts.

welcome!

 

Hi Im sorry you are going through so much. Its hard to cope with all that at once. I think if you just sit down with your parents you might be surprised how understanding they could be ! xx