i am in just so much pain right now that i am not willing to go on anymore. i am worthless and all i do is hurt others when i do not want to. I am just not worth anything anymore. my life is useless. i am nothing. i have nothing. My heart has been broken so many times and now the thoughts of ending my life are getting stronger and stronger. I do not know if i can wait one more week until i end it. Sometimes i just want it to happen right now. Today was just another bad day for me again. no love or care from any of my family. no one ever calls . no one ever comes by to see me. no one to talk to. i am basically living in my own private hell. And those that are suppose to be there for me are not there. the christians from the church i occasionaly attend , they never call. they never come by, they never visit. If they had found out i have cancer and that i am dying they would be here. but i do not want or need that. if they could not love me or care when i did not know i had cancer and when everything seemed normal and i was healthy then why come around when you know i am dying. i do not want your pretend love. i want Gods true love. They say to disipline their members to get them to come back to the Lord. they say ignoring them and marking them will save them , yet when they do that it does not do nothing but slowly kill those who are already dying inside. They so called love is slowly killing me inside. They know nothing of my pain. they know nothing of what it is like to be alone, to be hurting. to just want someone to be there for them. they do not know this hell that we live in. they can not understand the pain. the pain that is real. my pain is so real. It hurts so much and so deep. i know their thinking. they think i want attention. they think it is just make believe but they do not know my pain. my true pain. they left me when i needed them the most. they go on and carry on with their own life. they feel nothing for me. they never loved me. how could they i am unlovable. i am useless pieac of garbage that walks upon this earth. how many times have i heard them say you can not have what you want all the time. well is it wrong to have friends? is it wrong to want to be loved by someone? by anyone? i am in so much pain and not willing to go on. I have the means to end it with yet i continue on for one more week. one more week hoping they will call, hoping they will see the pain i am in, but it will never happen. they care only for themselves. they are cold and heartless. and now my heart has so many holes in it that can not be undone. the pain is to real. this pain is too much. I want to die and i will die. i will die in a cold lonely place. i will end this pain. God i know how your son felt. i know how lonely he felt. I feel his pain. i feel his loneleness. those who were suppose to love him abanded him. To others they can not feel this pain. to others they can never understand the pain i am in. just let me go. Take me out of this pain. Do i really deserve this much pain. this much hurt? why? how can i go on?