not willing to go on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jun 28, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i am in just so much pain right now that i am not willing to go on anymore.

    i am worthless and all i do is hurt others when i do not want to. I am just not worth anything anymore. my life is useless.

    i am nothing. i have nothing. My heart has been broken so many times and now the thoughts of ending my life are getting stronger and stronger. I do not know if i can wait one more week until i end it. Sometimes i just want it to happen right now.

    Today was just another bad day for me again. no love or care from any of my family. no one ever calls . no one ever comes by to see me. no one to talk to.

    i am basically living in my own private hell. And those that are suppose to be there for me are not there. the christians from the church i occasionaly attend , they never call. they never come by, they never visit. If they had found out i have cancer and that i am dying they would be here. but i do not want or need that. if they could not love me or care when i did not know i had cancer and when everything seemed normal and i was healthy then why come around when you know i am dying. i do not want your pretend love. i want Gods true love.

    They say to disipline their members to get them to come back to the Lord. they say ignoring them and marking them will save them , yet when they do that it does not do nothing but slowly kill those who are already dying inside. They so called love is slowly killing me inside. They know nothing of my pain. they know nothing of what it is like to be alone, to be hurting. to just want someone to be there for them. they do not know this hell that we live in. they can not understand the pain. the pain that is real. my pain is so real. It hurts so much and so deep.

    i know their thinking. they think i want attention. they think it is just make believe but they do not know my pain. my true pain. they left me when i needed them the most. they go on and carry on with their own life. they feel nothing for me. they never loved me. how could they i am unlovable. i am useless pieac of garbage that walks upon this earth. how many times have i heard them say you can not have what you want all the time. well is it wrong to have friends? is it wrong to want to be loved by someone? by anyone? i am in so much pain and not willing to go on.

    I have the means to end it with yet i continue on for one more week. one more week hoping they will call, hoping they will see the pain i am in, but it will never happen. they care only for themselves. they are cold and heartless. and now my heart has so many holes in it that can not be undone. the pain is to real. this pain is too much. I want to die and i will die. i will die in a cold lonely place. i will end this pain.

    God i know how your son felt. i know how lonely he felt. I feel his pain. i feel his loneleness. those who were suppose to love him abanded him. To others they can not feel this pain. to others they can never understand the pain i am in. just let me go. Take me out of this pain. Do i really deserve this much pain. this much hurt? why?

    how can i go on?
     
  2. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I can't profess to knowing exactly what you are going through, but I have had a few slight "ups" and many huge "downs" in my life, so I have some experience with sadness and isolation.

    You say you have noone to talk too, but you have someone to talk too now. I'm here, spending my own personal free time talking to you because your life does have value and I want you to hang on.

    You claim that you are "unlovable", "useless", and that you "only hurt others". I just want you to know that you project compassion, intelligence, and morality. The physical pain is getting in the way of objective self-analysis, don't let it.

    It is your choice, but I suggest speaking to those you love about your illness. When they react to that information, you will realize that people cared about you all along.

    Hang in there.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2007
  3. livingdeath

    livingdeath Active Member

    White Dove -- My heart goes out to you. I know the pain you are in. I know what it's like to feel worthless. I feel it too. I know your pain is real. I know it is agonizing. I know how it feels to want to die just to end the pain. I feel that way all the time.

    When I read your posting I said to myself, "She must know that she is not alone". You said you are living in a private hell. Believe me, I know exactly what you mean; I, too, live in hell. So we are neighbors, in a way.

    In answer to your closing question ... no, you do not deserve so much pain. Why are you suffering? I have no idea, but you definitely don't deserve it. There are a lot of things that happen in the world that are totally unfair. Innocent people suffer for no good reason. It just really sucks. I don't know why it is. Actually, I don't think there is a reason. I think most stuff happens by accident without rhyme or reason.

    I hope you are able to hang on somehow. You can talk to me any time. I hope it helps you, maybe in a very small teeny-tiny way, to know that someone understands your pain.
    Ld.
     
  4. Gabelle

    Gabelle Member

    Hello White Dove!

    I experience the same isolation, too. People make me feel useless a lot of times, too. But you must remember that people have different motives for rejecting you. A lot of people go to church to be seen as moral and respectable, or just just to socialise. Sorry, but it's true. If they were real Christians they would have tried to reach out to you if they knew about your troubles. Society can be so ruthless, or maybe people just don't ever really think about how their behaviour affects others. And, my family ignores me, too, but just because we have different views of life and interests, and because they are insensitive. Try not to see the rejection you get from them as a personal attack, many people have disfigured or retarded family members who they love and care for very much. You had bad fortune to get a sucky family, and they are probably boring and nowhere near your level of personality and interests. You are a member of the family and if they can not help you through this time the fault definitely lies with them, ok? The trick is to get your mind in the right grooves...to understand that your church friends and family are probably morally inferior or ignorant and that there is nothing wrong with you. So many people have tried to make me feel bad to make themselves feel better...but that is because THEY have a problem. And remember, your confidance is a self-defense mechanism, the more people see you love yourself the less they will try to make you feel like rubbish cuz they will see that they will have no effect and then they will stop, ok? If you ever want to chat you can send me messages about your life and the events in it, don't feel so lonesome. I hope you have some pets that can also keep you busy? They tend to take your mind off your own issues a little. And, I'm afraid that good friends are hard to find. But I'd rather have one diamond than twenty rotten apples. Best of Luck. I will be praying for you and all the others. I have made it my goal in life to fight injustices, join Humanitarian causes. Sure, I am very messed up, too, but there are people who have it worse than us. Love you and don't forget to smile and keep strong.
     
  5. rd9671

    rd9671 Guest

    Hi White Dove!

    Like the others said, you are not useless or worthless. I know people can act in a way that makes this seem so, but it is not true. I have similar situation going on in my life. People don't call me or come over to visit me and just generally ignore me most of the time, until I can perform a task for them. For me, helping others makes me feel better about myself, so that is what I do. I also try to help out at our local animal shelter, because the animals deserve a lot of love and that too makes me feel better about myself, like I have a purpose in life.

    I think alot of people never give any thought to how their actions effect others; they blindly going through life only thinking of themselves first and others second. This is not a refelction of you as a person though, it is a window into what they are. Selfish and self-centered. Sadly this is the case all over the world.

    Take care of yourself and please pm me anytime.
     
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