I dont even feel like this is this is even worth it anymore, just slowly fading. I keep seeing and hearing things that just makes sense, more time thinking about it, just makes more sense, like yesterday, a few people and I were talking, all of a sudden suicide was the topic, everybody was saying things that I am going through, felt like they were starring at me, talking about me. Theres things in my life that seem like everything will be ok, but its only temporary, its only a patch till the next month goes by and just unfolds and I just loose it, and nobody knows or cares enough to ask if theres a problem. There were only two reasons why im still here, only two, I even wrote down a list of reasons to, and reasons not to, didnt go well, obviously... I cant even find the nerve to sh, it doesnt effect me as much as it use to, deeper I go, I just see myself driving the to emergency room, getting taken care of, and then a nurse calls the cops, I loose my job, no way to pay bills, no way to pay bills, then again. Seeing the faces of everybody I know after they find out what I have been doing, just makes my stomach turn. I hate it when people feel sorry for me, my life is so bad they need to, no, there people with problems worse than mine. I see only one person making all these problems, making this life feel like its not worth it, me. As many times as I see myself trying to pay my own way, I still see myself as a loner; addict; run away; problem child, list goes on. When I make mistakes, it doesnt just slip my mind, it stays on my mind until another mistake is made, like setting myself up to fall, doesnt even cross my mind that I actually do that. I keep hearing, and reading about addicts, like "the world is a better place without addicts", maybe it is (?), does that mean that normal people look down upon us? Thank you all for your time, you all are somebody.