Not worth it..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RESTurtles, Mar 2, 2014.

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  1. RESTurtles

    RESTurtles Well-Known Member

    I dont even feel like this is this is even worth it anymore, just slowly fading. I keep seeing and hearing things that just makes sense, more time thinking about it, just makes more sense, like yesterday, a few people and I were talking, all of a sudden suicide was the topic, everybody was saying things that I am going through, felt like they were starring at me, talking about me. Theres things in my life that seem like everything will be ok, but its only temporary, its only a patch till the next month goes by and just unfolds and I just loose it, and nobody knows or cares enough to ask if theres a problem. There were only two reasons why im still here, only two, I even wrote down a list of reasons to, and reasons not to, didnt go well, obviously...

    I cant even find the nerve to sh, it doesnt effect me as much as it use to, deeper I go, I just see myself driving the to emergency room, getting taken care of, and then a nurse calls the cops, I loose my job, no way to pay bills, no way to pay bills, then again. Seeing the faces of everybody I know after they find out what I have been doing, just makes my stomach turn. I hate it when people feel sorry for me, my life is so bad they need to, no, there people with problems worse than mine. I see only one person making all these problems, making this life feel like its not worth it, me. As many times as I see myself trying to pay my own way, I still see myself as a loner; addict; run away; problem child, list goes on. When I make mistakes, it doesnt just slip my mind, it stays on my mind until another mistake is made, like setting myself up to fall, doesnt even cross my mind that I actually do that.

    I keep hearing, and reading about addicts, like "the world is a better place without addicts", maybe it is (?), does that mean that normal people look down upon us?

    Thank you all for your time, you all are somebody.
  2. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Hi RESTurtles, I am an addict and I do not find that people feel the world would be better off without me. That the goes the same for you. I've go through the setting myself up to fail all the time, I know it sucks. Going to the doctor or ER sounds like a good idea right about now, please try to allow them to help you. I am glad that you are here and I hope you keep reaching out for help. Wishing you better days.
  3. doesnt matter19

    doesnt matter19 Well-Known Member

    I want to b dead but I feel bad for u
  4. RESTurtles

    RESTurtles Well-Known Member

    Thanks for caring.

    I felt like getting some fresh air, by myself, at 3 am, so I went to the beach, usually isnt a good thing, but I feel better after I come home and go to sleep, came home, couldnt go to sleep. You ever loose somebody to suicide, while your depressed/suicidal, and feel like you should have seen the signs, the same signs that you were trying to hide, everything matched, but to blind to see, I lost somebody, looking back, I remember almost every second, rethinking every thing she said, it felt like she drew a picture showing the answer, but I was to stupid to see.
  5. moonpalace

    moonpalace New Member

    You touched me.. and I hope you feel better
  6. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    You mention addiction.

    What is it that you are addicted to. Have you had help to reduce and stop. Do you want to.

    Maybe that is a place to start.
  7. RESTurtles

    RESTurtles Well-Known Member

    Im sorry, i cant say my addiction, its nothing like you think, i think its best to not say, it takes it toll. I type it out it just doesnt feel right putting it out there.

    I wish i just told somebody about my depression at a early age, would have saved a life and i wouldnt feel the way i do. I am starting to eat again though, so i guess thats a good thing.
  8. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    Eating is a good start!

    Tell about why you are depressed please.
  9. RESTurtles

    RESTurtles Well-Known Member

    Why, no reason why is one. Feeling hopeless; not loved; not cared for; ugly; when I try, I end up failing someway; even though I pay my own way through everything, I still feel its not good enough; I feel like I'm being looked down upon no matter what I do; being the odd one out/the guy that you can lie to and not care/the guy that you can talk about in front of him and not care what he thinks; having to hide my true self from everybody, no matter who it is.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2014
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