Hello everyone. I'm an overweight woman (235lbs - 5'3) 24 years old married with no kids. Since I was 16 I've been suicidal (one attempt, one visit to the psych ward, the rest of the time just passively wishing I could) Oh I've tried the treatments, talk-therapy, doctors, psychiatrists, pills. I still have no diagnosis to show for 8 years of trying to make things better (though I've tried almost every anti-depressant on the market, as well as lithium, risperdone, clonazapan too). Worse yet, I find myself sickened everytime someone points out everything I have to live for (your husband, your dog, your home, life in general) when all I really feel is that I don't belong in society and much less belong in my own life. I don't really deserve all I have (I have a great husband) and I find my life feels surreal. When I walk past people in life I try to walk wide around them (other side of the street, take a detour around the park etc) so as not to "offend their eyes with my pressence". People hate fat girls afterall, and even looking at us as part of their world makes them uncomfortable/angry/upset/feel the need to say something. I've tried to lose wieght but I feel "gross" when I sweat (and I hate letting others see me sweat) which leaves me only 1 real form of excersizing which would require me to put on a swimsuit (swimming) which also makes me feel gross. I never eat chips, icecream, burgers, greasy pizza or french fries cause it makes me feel gross. Just eatting an apple in public makes me feel uncomfortable because already a fat person is enough of an eyesore, they don't need to see me eatting right? All I eat at home is salads, sandwiches (without even butter on 'em), homemade vegetarian pizza (I dislike the greasey feel of meat on pizza), rice/fried rice, tuna salad, chicken salad, macaroni salad, fruit and on occassion I will have a chocolate craving which I will fill with half a chocolate bar. I drink only water and tea or coffee in the morning (no pop, ever). I must eat a lot of these things during the day but I really don't notice myself doing it because I can't sit here typing claiming to do everything right but still remaining as big as I am. In any case, I have ordered some excersize tapes which I hope I will have the motivation to use when my husband is at work. To sum everything up real quick I just have a very hard time dealing with stress and dealing with my hatred of myself and anger towards the way others act/view me. I have literally no outlets of anger because anger is another thing I view as a terrible trait. I try to hide it from my husband and since he is always around me I end up having to keep it inside. I can't understand why he loves me and it drives me crazy trying to figure it out. I just can't accept "I just do" as an answer, I need to know how he can love someone who can't even love herself. I break down and scream in pain and cry at least once weekly to release that pain that stores itself up. Other then that release I have no way of dealing with the stresses of having a suicidal and completely worthless-feeling mind. I can't deal with stresses from work, I can't deal with stresses from the past (childhood pains both physical and sexual, though I doubt they would be considered abuse they certainly left the scars that abuse would) I can't deal with the anger of frustration when I can't do something perfectly, I can't deal with anything negative at all (even when my husband has a bad day and needs me to be supportive). I have a self-destructive way of dealing with some things that worries me that I might become a cutter since I obviously can't pull the plug on my life for good. I sometimes feel like I just want someone to beat me to a pulp, like that would make me feel better. I ask my husband to "use" me sexually and not to give a damn about me or my feelings (call me terrible things, hit me, fake rape with me) which of course he has trouble doing (though, because I present these kinks to him when I am supposedly "fine" he just thinks I want a kinky sex-life and does most of it) I dig my nails deep in my palms sometimes just to feel how it feels, I impulse shop all my money away, I purposely think of hurtful things to see if my mind can handle it (husband cheating, death, murderous bloody situations). I play permiscuous games online which only serves to make me feel like I am worth nothing and hating the men whom I play the games with for making sex worth nothing to me, hating myself for playing sexual games online when my husband loves me (why? I don't know). I told him about that and I have stopped but it only serves to deepen my hatred of myself (taking him for granted or craving attention and getting it the only way I know how?) I don't know what I'm asking in this post, I have tried for 8 years to find out whats wrong with me. I am tired and weak and weighted by the anger I feel for everyone who has hurt me, directly or indirectly. Hating my judgemental personality that makes me hate men for always sexualizing women, hating women for contibuting to the sexualization of their gender for money (or attention as I've done myself) I have no outlet, no way of getting rid of it all. So I write it in a post on a suicide forum that I've never been to before. If I have to live, I suppose I have to start doing something different. I don't know where to start, but for my wonderful husband who has put up with this for 7 years (we moved in at 17 years old, married at 20 years old) I want to make sure I stop hurting him. And me getting better is the only way to do that because I've already asked him to just leave me and he won't. He cries when I mention death, and cries when I mention us parting ways. Someone help me stop his tears.