I wish to die. I ask myself, where would I be if I stopped trying? completely let go of the fight. I see myself being dragged along the road by a rope attached to a car, whilst feeling content that punishment is bieng administered fairly. What I want sickens me sometimes. because it goes against the words that I speak. Everyday, every new beginning, I see people moving on in life, taking their chances, doing what comes naturaly to them whilst I feel left in the cold as my heart refuses to co-operate. I remedy this situation by seeking refuse to a place in my mind called the big cheese. upon which I frolic around all namby pamby like sometimes. Other times I will be a scarecrow, this leads me nicely to my next point. I am backward, I personally gaurentee that no matter what is said to me, I will go against it. My brain makes it up as it goes along. In the company of straight men, I bat for the other team. In the company of Gay men, I bat for the other team. I am backward to all and my mind does not know which way to look. I am so very slow, selfish. I'm Almost a cold, dead, black lump of fried dog shit, hardened by centuries of weathering. Back to the big cheese, a place of love and wonder for all, untill I am questioned or attacked, then I turn into a complete bitchy twatfaced retard. Through those times my attention hardly leaves myself. when I talk to others, I am actually just talking to myself. I read books, yet the fantasies which I invisage are weak attempts to establish myself as a part of society. This suicide note was originally intended as a way to communicate to anyone who cares why I decided that its time to end my life, yet, all I'm doing really is reassuring myself that there isn't another option. I've turned every stone in my mind, digging, and I found myself to be a weak, enemy of everyone. with no chance of recovery. So this, is why I'm killing myself, because I either forgot to, or I didn't have the capabilities, to make an ark.