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Notes to Self on Depression

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Livelife

SF Supporter
#1
I have been engaged with others for months. On Facebook live. In Zoom. Occasional classes now at the yoga studios again. Meditating live at night with others on Facebook....Some texting. Rare phone calls as this is not a form of communication that really exists any longer for socializing in my experience.

Acquaintances with spouses, families, jobs, etc are remaining engaged and busy and seem to be emotionally and spiritually working with what the world has presented us these last months.

AND I will never adjust to the swings of depression. It happens every couple of months.... the switch flipping for no reason and I find myself without any connection to or motivation for anything or anyone for days sometimes weeks regardless of how much engagement I've had with others or what positives I am doing for myself physically, mentally, emotionally.. Each minute feels like an hour and I just painfully wait for the day to pass hoping the next will bring a change of mind. Buried in mind killing television, can't even read when I'm like this. Yesterday I managed to cook a meal, cut some lemongrass and make flavored simple syrup and do 3 loads of laundry. In short, nothing of any value. Day number 2, It is sunrise and I walk outside to stand in the wet grass and to connect for a moment.....the moon is beautifully hanging high, faintly visible against the promise of the deep blues of the coming sky today as the temperatures will climb over 110 and even the shade will not provide a place to hide from the humidity and heat. I started making homemade chai, open the curtains to let in the light and say a quick prayer that I can rise above my mind. Yesterday I could not join in with my group for early meditation, today I will show up for it even though it's an argument, a struggle to engage. And I will force the dog walk. Errands don't make me feel any better, it just pushes the emptiness aside for the time it takes to accomplish whatever tasks I'm sidelined by and I have decided need to be accomplished.

I finally started taking a sleeping pill at night two months ago for some needed sleep assist, to see if it would help my energy levels during the day...the mildest dosage prescribed...I'm wondering if it could be an interference with being able to stay in only a mildly depressed state. I don't think so, it was happening prior to the initiation of a pharmaceutical.

Still this is better than 18 months ago when I came here and the experience I was having was suicidal depression with no swing at all. At least today I'm no longer think about or want to actively put an end to things although I do quietly still wish I wasn't still embodied.

Today here, there is still pseudo isolation and they are burying Floyd this afternoon in the city that I reside in and hundreds will be along the streets that will carry the procession. Probably increasing the numbers again from dense numbers gathering.....as has been reflected these past couple of weeks all over the country.

For me.... day trips, relocation plans, any ideas around anything to do with engagement with others are not on my agenda. Not a help for those of us who were depressed prior to what we are now collectively experiencing.
 
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Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#2
Changing the mind, calming the mind, in any way takes repetition. New positive thoughts over and over until the negative ones are only a distant faint memory. Some people make grateful lists, and go over them not just when depressed, but at regular internals. Feeling good about yourself is about feeling good about yourself. Your accomplishments, your small and large victories, thought about daily rather than your feelings of depression. I was anxious, depressed, wanted out, then I read about affirmations. Twice daily reminders we are loved, needed, and successful. I made up a list, anyone can do it, and said them twice daily for over a year. My partner in business said: "I have never seen anyone change as much as you have." I am not perfect, but I no longer worry nor am I depressed.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#3
Changing the mind, calming the mind, in any way takes repetition. New positive thoughts over and over until the negative ones are only a distant faint memory. Some people make grateful lists, and go over them not just when depressed, but at regular internals. Feeling good about yourself is about feeling good about yourself. Your accomplishments, your small and large victories, thought about daily rather than your feelings of depression. I was anxious, depressed, wanted out, then I read about affirmations. Twice daily reminders we are loved, needed, and successful. I made up a list, anyone can do it, and said them twice daily for over a year. My partner in business said: "I have never seen anyone change as much as you have." I am not perfect, but I no longer worry nor am I depressed.
Hi Lekatt... Thanks for reading and sharing with me. I am so very happy that that worked for you and worked so well. I have been a yoga practitioner for over 40 years....daily yoga and meditation in my own practice and also teaching it for years... and your sharing aligns with the spiritual and psychological truths I've been exposed to for decades.....consistant practice and repetition and exposure to that which elevates and changes the mind, permanently creating those shifts....because our thinking, whatever it was caused by is usually what is in the way......
In my world it's been yoga, meditation, all the ways to journal, the gratitude lists, affirmations....Louse Hay's are still my favorites, tapping, physical activity.....chanting/meditation/naad/sound/gong which are all vibrational and neurological ways to change the brain.......
It's an enigma to me and I do my best to continue during this past year or more since this mind space now comes about every month or two and continues to strangely surface.....
 
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