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nothin but a mere existence.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anunkhasan, Nov 2, 2007.

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  1. Anunkhasan

    Anunkhasan New Member

    Sometime I ask myself, how I can keep on living a life where I think every day of being dead. Everyday I think I can bear whatever will come, coz I know it will be over sooner or later. With every step I take, every minute I exist, my thoughts go round and round... in circles...its only about being dead.

    I am a person who deals in extreme. It is a life about being black and white and there is no hope that it will ever fit together.

    When I was a child I wanted to be a machine, feelings were not welcome. Spend all the years to destroy every upcomming feeling of love, sympathy. Now at the age of 20 one part of me acts like a machine while the other part is longing for safety.

    Not being able to enter relationships or anything I don't know what it feels like to love or pity someone. All I feel when it comes to mankind is hate. Such an incredible hate, especially when it comes to children.

    The only feeling that might be close to love is reserved for all the animals.

    For me it does not make any sense to live a life like a machine. But I have too. Otherwise I could not controll my hate. I don't see what the future could bring to me. As soon as I die everything will be lost, so what sense does it make to work for something which will be lost anyway.

    I cannot live up to the expectations of my family. They say the understand, but every word they speak makes clear they don't. Maybe after I have cut my throat they will understand, but then it will be to late.

    People think my life is perfect, so how dare I speaking of such things like suicide or depression. They see my perfect mask I have been wearing most of my life.

    Sometimes I am just asking myself, what is this for a society that drives so many people to even think of commiting suizide.

    Well anyway....it was good to write some of it down...
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 2, 2007
  2. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    A behavioral approach may help the most, faciliated by a therapist, such as developing a regular routine of positive, distracting, or productive activities like exercise, socializing, working, learning, etc. One approach called the unschedule is to first schedule the pleasant or preferred activities. Then you schedule in the less preferred activities like work or study. My favorite approach is combining work and play into the same activity. I really love having an MP3 player while I do chores and walk outside.

    If you have problems finishing tasks due to the ruminative, habitual thought patterns, that is one area where you can gradually improve by trying to do more each day. If procrastination is an issue, a good book is The Now Habit by Neil Fiore.

    Even sociopaths in prison have girlfriends on the outside. You really need to give yourself more credit. Seeing a therapist can help you open up to other people.

    Everyone leaves a legacy, either positive or negative or a combination of both. Killing oneself usually doesn't end the pain, it just transfers it to other people.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2007
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