So here is it, Labor Day….a day of bbq's and friends and family (cause us 'Muricans love a reason for a BBQ) and here I sit in solitude, in a room, hooked up to anything and everything, groggy and sick, all because of my own stupidity. All I can do right now is think of all the crazy shit the past few years have brought, what led me to this point. How does one go from a normal kid to this point of completely wreck and out of control with his thoughts? I was a good kid, never got in trouble, never been arrested, hell I don't even think I even stole a pack of gum from the store. Diagnosed Bipolar at 17, when i started having issues with anger, resentment, depression, paranoia…not even sure why I had those feelings. I had a good mother, lots of friends, even met a good girl (or so I thought at the time). Spent 5 years wasting my time with that girl, while she went on behind my back with 5 of my good friends. Acted like she was all I had as she stood next to me, right before my 21st bday while I mourned the loss of my mother. Stood by my side for the 5 months prior while I watched my mother, my sweet good mother, wither away to nothing. But i guess some happiness came around that time, finding out my girl was with child right after losing my mother. I guess God does give and take. Nope….he just takes. Took that child at 15 weeks… Been a year and a half (April 2013) since I caught her with my roommate and packed my shit and left. Let them even keep the couch…returned the ring I had bought..down a bottle of chemical happy with whatever was in my medicine cabinet, woke up in the hospital. Apparently I had seizures. Went from the hospital to the psych ward…happy fun 2 weeks. Got out of the hospital and was okay for a couple of months before i made another go. This time decided to try other measures. Ended up with stitches and another involuntary admission. Anyways….in April 2014 she decided she wanted to come back, make up for her mistakes and blah blah blah. Whatever…all she did was bring back the flood of memories, torment and loss that I spent 3 years trying to get over. Decided to make my peace and go. Calculations and research wasn't going to allow me to fail I thought….made all my arrangement, gave up my cat, got my affairs in order and off I went. My best friend (now my wife) I guess had been trying to get ahold of me, knew i was manic and at the bottom, sent my friend over, who broke into my house! Yes he broke the window and climbed into my house, found me on the floor, the empty bottles. Called 911. Apparently arrived in the ER full code, was brought back to code again…week in the ICU, declined psych care. Yes I lied to them. I made them think I was okay. So I got out of the ICU and went home, tried to act like everything was okay. Then the kidney issues started, my first kidney infection following the incident, my first visit with the nephro, finding out that I had no function in one, 60% in the other, a month on dialysis while the kidneys tried to heal. April and May were fun months…. But here I sit again, after spending the last few months trying to take care of myself, trying to get out of my depression. IT has been working as I've been having better and better days. Trying to keep my current situation from driving me back down into it. Knowing that from here on out I am going to be a border and I am going to have constant issues and I really don't know what to expect from here on out. But I see a lot of new faces and a lot of new posts about feelings of hopelessness and wanting it to end. Death is a dark cold place where there is nothing. Nothing at all. And for those like me that give death the middle finger and be able to talk about it, you don't just come back. I will most likely be sick the rest of my life because of that one stupid night. And right now is just the beginning of that long bumpy road. Right now Im in the clouds, groggy, sick to my stomach from the chemicals required to keep my body clean. 3 hours hooked up to a machine 3 days a week. Eventually disability and incapacitation….it's not worth it. So not worth it. And it brings me to tears that I can't change it. And right now, being stuck and feeling trapped makes me feel more depressed. I'm glad I'm here at the moment because the places my mind wants to go to. 24 years old and I have destroyed myself… So if anything, the point on me telling all this is that hopefully someone will read it and may be inspired to do what is necessary to take care of themselves. To keep one foot in front of the other and fight to not be kicked down. I let the world drag me through the dirt and tried to take the easy road rather than fight for my own well being. Well, there are bumps in the easy road too, and maybe even a ravine that you get stuck on one side of. I waited till my disease destroyed me before decided what I needed to do for myself, and get to live with that. But I'm taking my own advice, holding my head high and pushing for life, even if its going to suck. So…yeah.