Nothing but pain

[Frost Giant]

I decided to join this forum because at the moment, I think I just need some type of interaction. Sadly, it's on this pc instead of a friend or relative. I have always been a depressed person, and have slowly turned into a very isolated person who finely chooses who his friends are, and can barely maintain a social tolerance toward most people, let alone become more social.

I will not likely say anything you have not all read before, but I ask for your understanding in that I am aware we all have problems and we all hurt, but today, pain and hurt is all I feel; and regret if my posts are a bit selfish for awhile. My girlfriend and I broke up today, and while I am not on the verge of suicide, my depression in general has had such a major impact on my life that I sometimes worry that it will eventually happen.

In short, I suppose it would be most honest to say that I need some type of interaction, and to make some new friends who more understand what I feel than the average person. Anyway, I apologize if this writing is a bit jumpy, but my mind is cluttered and I'm doing all I can not to cry. Im so sick of feeling this way, and I know many of you know exactly what that feels like.

So with that said; Pleasure to meet you all.

 

[Lead Savior]

Post about you, don't worry about sounding selfish

Welcome to the forum pal

 

[Petal]

welcome to the forum :arms:

I hope you find the help and support you need here :hug:

 

[Kassus]

Welcome to the Forum

Everyone here(including myself) is willing to listen so don't worry about how you sound, just let it out.

 

[gentlelady]

:welcome: to SF. We are a peer to peer support forum so of course we are interested in hearing about you. I hope we are able to provide what you say you need. Take care. :hug:

 

[Spearmint]

Welcome to SF. :smile:

 

[nagisa]

Welcome to SF. Its a pleasure to meet you, as well. :smile: :hug:

 

[thebrain]

I completely identify with what you said about barely maintaining a social tolerance towards most people and finely choosing your friends. It's difficult not to be alone when you find the rest of humanity to be rather...irritating, to put it lightly.

Anyway, welcome to SF!

 

[Anju]

Welcome to the forum, and don't be scared of sounding selfish, we all have the right to talk about ourselves when we need to :smile:

 

[Gunner12]

Welcome!!!

Sometimes it is easier to communicate with people you can't see.

I hope you find the help you need here. Don't be afraid to post what has bee going on.

 

[Frost Giant]

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond guys, as it must be tedious at times. Each and every response takes a certain amount of empathy and it means alot to me.

Well, where to start...

My problems on their own are not anything that will really make you think I should be as miserable as I am, but it seems to be how hard I react to them internally,that I just can't handle anymore.
To start; I have the basic set of issues you find in most troubled individuals: Severe Depression, A terrible time maintaining jobs, mainly because of how much I hate the average person. I'm one of those people that can easily get to the top in any work place, then fall right to the bottom within two years, I don't know why.

I don't exactly have any real substance problems, but when I have something like alcohol or pot, I can't do either without doing it all until it's gone. I never HAVE to have them though, so I'm lucky with addiction problems. I take no meds, mainly because when I'm on them, they either do nothing at all, or make me so numb, I may as well be a carrot. The one thing going well in my life is college. I'm 30 years old now, I do only 2 things consistantly; go to school (will eventually teach history), and lift weights to help curve my temper and keep my seratonin level. Simple and boring, I know.

Now here comes the ugly;I lost my apartment two years ago because I lost the job I had at the time. I'm now living with "mommy" (at 30 years old) while I go to school. I worked for the last 2 years and finally lost that job due to calling out too much, not because I was too lazy to work, but too depressed. I am going to get another job, but have had no luck yet. (I know I'm being a lazy pussy).

My girlfriend of 5 years whom is a huge pain in my ass but is very, very loved; broke up with me because long term wise, she doesn't think we are compatable;however told me she wants to continue to have sex, pretty much forever. Shes not seeing anyone or anything like that, she just sees this wound I have, and I have been to therapists my whole life and no one has ever done anything.

I have always thought about suicide, but what it would do to my family is why I can't do it, but sometime existence itself is so unbearable I feel like a prisoner, and there are times I come close, but never quite do it. I feel like there simply is no escape from the pain. Its like anything I do that is normal to other people, is somehow traumatizing. Movies leave me depressed, going on a trip out of state leaves me weirded out and depressed. Work leaves me depressed, and now being that my girlfriend who is my best friend in the world is more or less gone, and I'm at that ground zero point where I look at myself and realize...I am a supreme loser of the finest denomination.

More than anything though, all I can focus on right now is how much it hurts to have lost her, I have only been in love twice, and I can't get over things the way the average person can.

Anyway, I'm sorry guys this is long and extremely boring, so I will leave it open for any questions or comments you may have. Just the interaction might help. Don't have to talk about me either, you can say anything you think is relevant. Nothing is too personal to ask, so any advice is worhty advice.

 

[*dilligaf*]

welcome to SF x