It's back to feeling how I've always felt. In truth only the level of the feeling is what varied. Nothing ever actually changed from how I've felt for the last 6 years. Just over a month ago my cousin told me he was glad to see my facebook status' were happier and not so negative and that he was glad that things were going good for me. Oh how much I wanted to tell him that things weren't better, I was just too busy and was able to deny the truth of how much it all sucked. I was kept busy with a job that is now done and over, and football which ended the same time. Now I'm left with having to face reality again. A reality of having no idea what to do. Of having wasted my time and money I don't have on University to get a degree that is not high enough to set me apart from the thousands of others. And I'm alone. No friends to even distract me even for short periods. I'm too paranoid, too angry and too tired to change any of it. I just play along, trying to pretend as much as I can. Between football and working a construction job, I had to pretend, and lie so much this summer as not to stand out. And even then I could only act so much. I'm just lost and all I hear is that I've got to do something. I've got to find a job, I've got to make money, I just don't care if this is what it's going to be like even if I do. They say money doesn't buy happiness but it would at least make it so I could find what does bring happiness. I used to know what it was that would do that for me. Now I have no idea of what would really make me happy. Death?