Nothing changes

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Brian777, Apr 1, 2016.

  1. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    each day seems to be the same darkness. I wish I could find hope. But the same feelings are there to torment me. I've tried to be strong all my life, but this is the greatest challenge I've encountered and wares me down.
    I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have the courage to make that final commitment and I don't have the courage to live. I'm just venting, I know there are no answers, we each face our own individual battles in our own way. My heart goes out to all on this forum who are hurting. Bless you all and may you find relief.
    Brian
     
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I know you struggle, and I know you're fighting Brian. But keep fighting.

    It can get better, and in time with the propper care and treatment it will. Maybe not tomorrow or in a week, but it will. And one day you'll be glad you held on.


    I'll send you lots of hugs and good wishes for you. *hugs*
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  3. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are in the dumps today Brian. Know that it is not forever. I am struggling today also. I went out to the store and had a panic attack, went for a walk and had a panic attack. I have drunk the rest of the alcohol I had left and it is only 12:00 here. Not good but I am trying to dull the feelings.
    Woke up in a panic about being homeless which is a real situation. I don't think I survive that and would probably give in at that time. I wish this was easy but it is not yet I still try to hang on as you will.
     
  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Awe my friend, I'm so sorry. You've been through so much and still show amazing courage in going on and trying to get better. I so wish I could take away everyone's pain and suffering, I've no idea why we are going through this torture. I've been trying to just get myself to go to the store for the past 2hrs, but the anxiety stops me. You have more courage than I do. Bless you my friend and thank you for responding to my complaints. Somehow we have to get through this ((hugs))
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    ((hugs)) brian, i'm sorry you are feeling so crappy today. if it makes you feel any better know that you are not alone. Anxiety is a real killer (pun not intended). It can mess us up so bad from fidgeting to vomiting to even considering taking our own lives. Keep yourself focused on this sentence ''my thoughts aren't facts even if they say they are''. The courage is in staying here and fighting this.
     
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  6. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your words yet I am a coward at heart. I cannot seem to beat this. Yesterday was tolerable today not so much. I am worried about what I will become if this does not ease up. I can't afford to get the help I need. I have been trying St johns wort to try and ease the depression.
    I am supposed to go with my son in law to an internship appt this afternoon. I am going to see if I can to it.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  7. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Thank you Petal, I've always been anxious to a degree, but never knew how bad the symptoms could become.....until this past months. I agree totally with that sentence, it's amazing the power that thoughts and feelings have on us. When we do feel "well" we wonder how we could have been in that place. I usually just look at my dog and she makes me want to stay, I couldn't stand to leave her alone, I love her so much. Bless you my friend and thank you for your kind words.
     
  8. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey my friend, I have the same fear about this not easing up. It seems overwhelming to deal with this on a daily basis. I was fortunate to get an apt with a psychiatrist in another week, I'm hoping he can help. I know in the US it's difficult getting help without insurance, but are there any organizations that help people without insurance? I'm not sure what an internship apt is, hopefully it helps and that you can make it. I know the feeling of trying to go out when feeling this way. I wish I could help you, it's a cruel world that turns its back on its people when help is available. Bless you my friend, sending positive thoughts and prayers.
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are most welcome @Brian777 Yes anxiety has have horrendous effects on your body and lives that some of us had to find out the hard way. Are you taking anti anxiety medications? I am taking multiple medications for anxiety but valium is the one that kills that anxiety within minutes of taking it. Not high, just back to my normal state.
     
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  10. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I have been on Cymbalta and low dose Xanax for years, mainly for depression and panic attacks. However after losing my Mom and all the stress involved during her illness and passing, I crashed after things settled down. That's when I saw the other side of anxiety, before it was tolerable and I could function. The problem with Xanax, I think it loses its effect after being on it for so long. I'm hoping this doctor can give me something to allow me to function.
     
  11. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Thanks again Brian. Even on a sliding scale it can be unaffordable to get the help you need. I guess I sound like I am whining which I don't mean to.
     
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I have been on many medications for anxiety and my best antidepressant which had the dual action as an anti anxiety med was sertraline. I was on cymbalta but cannot really remember if it helped or not. Xanax does lose its effectiveness and fast as with all benzodiaepines it only helps until your body is used to it, i am very tolerant to valium these days so i now only take if really bad or if the anxiety is making me physically sick as well. Have a talk with your doctor and see what s/he recommends trying, i'd be interested in seeing what he thinks might help.
     
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  13. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Oh no Mpk, you're not whining, never think that. I totally understand, this is the only place we can be ourselves and not what others expect of us. I don't know what the answer is, in Canada we have access to treatment, but the wait to get it can be incredibly long. One of my friends of many years, died from a heart attack while waiting on cardiac surgery, he had been waiting 6mnths. The US probably has better healthcare, but that's only if you have insurance. It's all about $$$$, we need a change in how life and health are treated.
     
  14. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I will Petal, I'm sure both my meds have lost their effectiveness. But if I miss a day of Cymbalta I get these horrendous brain zapps.
     
    Petal likes this.
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Those are not fun so get your doctor to take you off them very slowly if thats what they decide. Know you're not alone @Brian777 Are there any anxiety or depression support groups you could join in on? I once took part in relaxation classes at a day hospital setting. Is there anything like that available to you?
     
  16. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    That's a good idea Petal, I'll check online and see if there's anything available locally.