im so tired of things not working out. 2013 was the worst year of my life. it seems like nothing ever goes my way. all my friends are far away at college so i have no one to talk to. i dont trust my parents to talk about this topic because they dont understand what its like to be depressed. last year the only woman ive ever loved left me, and i feel like ill never feel like i did with her ever again. through out the rest of 2013 i probably asked out over 60 women. almost all of them turned me down. so far in 2014 in asked out 4 and all of them turned me down. ive applied for jobs at over 40 places and none of them ever get back to me, even though im a hard worker. ive been turning to drugs and alcohol because the only times i feel happy are when im high or intoxicated or tripping. but because of this my grades have been dropping. im in trouble with the legal system because one of the few dates i had in 2013 dates lied to me and said she was 21, and im so lonely that i didnt think to check her id because i wanted her to like me. turns out she was underage. my parents are going to cut me off financially because they feel like im not trying, but really it just feels like a cycle. i get sad, i try to cope which takes time away from being productive so nothing gets done, then something else goes wrong, and i get sadder, so i try to cope again, resulting in nothing ever getting done. it just seems like life never gives me a break. its like the universe is out to get me and make my life miserable. i know life isnt fair, but i dont want to live in a world where im doomed to forever be alone and sad. its not that i want to escape necessarily, i just dont see the point of going on. even the things i used to enjoy that i could do by myself feel like a chore. i used to compose music, but it just doesnt come to me anymore. i just stare at the page or screen. i used to love video games. now i get bored after about 30 minutes. ive started smoking hoping that ill get cancer and die. ive started doing more dangerous drugs and doing larger doses of them hoping that ill accidentally overdose. my driving habits are getting more reckless because i hope ill get in a serious car accident. i used to see a therapist but i stopped because i dont know what to say anymore. talking doesnt help, it just reminds me of every crappy aspect of my life. i grew up in a christian house and was very active in my church, but ive really lost my faith, because if jesus loves me, why would all this be happening to me. if i could just catch a break then i know i could turn things around. if i could get a job or a steady relationship id stop smoking, drinking and doing drugs. then i could turn around my grades but it just doesnt seem like thats in the cards. people always say i shoudnt need someone to be happy, and i just think to myself "yah, i SHOUDNT, but i do." and its not like im not trying with these jobs. i fill out the applications, then i wait...nothing. go back and they say theyll check on it, so i wait... nothing. go back again, they make some BS excuse that theyeve been busy and will get to it soon, so i wait... nothing. what did i do wrong that pissed off the universe? have i used up my happy quota for life? before mid 2012, i had a really happy life, then everything went to hell in a hand basket really damn fast. then sometimes i feel guilty because in comparison to people in places like uganda or syria, my life is pretty good, and that makes me feel worse. i just feel so alone and lost.