Nothing happened to me but I'm still traumatized..

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by GarrettKai, Mar 9, 2011.

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  1. GarrettKai

    GarrettKai New Member

    Hello, I felt like I had no one else to talk to so I just Googled a suicide forum and here I am..

    It's a pretty long story, bear with me.

    My name is Garrett, right now I'm thirteen years old and staying up for hours looking up suicide methods because of horrible rape that didn't actually happen to me.. A couple months ago I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of eight months, who had been raped by her grandfather for eight years since she was four, and the porn from that was sold to some European magazine.

    Basically.. After we had been dating for two months, and I had already fallen in love with her, she told me, and I was devastated. Things pretty much slowly went down-hill for the next six months, and I was having panic attacks in class at least once a week, because I believed it was still happening with other family members of hers, even though her grandfather was in jail. I had to ask her to send pictures every other minute of her and her surroundings to make sure nothing bad was going on, until one day I knew I was finally going to snap and shoot myself unless I broke up with her, so I broke up with her, believing it would relieve all of my pain.

    Well, everything felt a million times worse. I was still worried about her every second even though we hated each other at that point, but for some reason, my life got great for a month or so afterwards. But then it just went downhill again. I think it was because I realized I still loved her and she was always hugging guys and letting them grab her ass in front of me so I would get jealous, which I did, considering I was barely resisting the urge to violently murder them right then and there, quite honestly. So everything just kept getting worse and I started cutting and crap.. Until I finally asked her back out again desperately because I had never got over her, and she said yeah.. So we dated another week, and near the end she informed me she sexted her uncle, and she was the one that started it. A day after that she broke up with me and I cut my leg at least an inch deep several times, and surprisingly, no one noticed my limp for the next couple days. So another 2 months have went by of us having to see each-other every day, and I really messed things up yesterday, when I told a couple class-mates (apparently the whole class could hear) about the rape in a kind of uncaring, casual matter. It got around to most of her friends and now at least twenty people hate me, and I'm in ISP (in school placement) for harassment. My mom always acts like it's not a big deal that I said that stuff because she was the one who manipulated me and ruined my life she says, which I'm very unsure about.. This is the worst pain I've felt in my life, with all the guilt, which is why I can't help but want to kill myself.. So I'm just posting on a suicide forum, hoping someone else knows how I feel, hoping someone else can give me the slightest hint of what to do, or something..

    - Garrett..
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I would not say nothing happened alot happen in the relationship that caused you to feel like you do now. You need to talk to someone a professional to get help with your self esteem to get help to get you back on a good track again.
    You both harmed each other it is best you are apart and you look after you NOW okay You get the help you need to heal hugs
  3. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    move on. stop living life with regrets or they will eat you up and tear you apart. It's 5 am and I am awake right now because every time I close my eyes and try to sleep negative thoughts creep into my head, and I try to think positive, I try to make up stories and get lost in them so I can fall asleep. The sad thing is when I try to think of my past all I can think of is the negative when I know there is so much more positive about my life then what has happened in the last few years, but sadly it seems I can't recall anything good without something negative to go along with it. Screw girls who play games, they aren't worth it, you're 13, and while you care about this girl, she is probably your first girlfriend and you don't love her. When I was 13 I thought I was in love with my first girlfriend, we lasted a month, 8 months later I still wasn't over it and she started dating my best friend so I started cutting myself. Worst mistake I ever made. Finals week, 2nd semester my freshman year the first day of finals I got a note calling me down to the counseling office, this lady forced me to show her my cuts and then called my mom in. That lady didn't do anything to help me, she made my mom cry right in front of me, she made her worried and traumatized but that lady didn't do a damn thing to help me.

    Basically, if I were you, I'd just move on. Screw the people who hate you, high school is temporary. Then after you graduate, fu-k it, you'll never see them again. This little girl sounds like a friggen nut case, letting guys grab her ass and sending pictures of herself to her uncle? You really wanna deal with that?? In my opinion, it's a good thing you said something, maybe someone will hear about it and get her some help. If you kill yourself, if you let her control your every thought, your every action, if thoughts of her force you to hurt yourself.. then she wins. She's a manipulative little wh-re (excuse my language). So what if a few people hate you, there are so many people in this world.

    Ok, I got a story for you. Freshman year of college ended and I found out I wasn't going to be asked back to my job as a lifeguard. Pissed off, I did the only thing I could do for a release, one hell of a tongue lashing on a blog. I called out every single board member for abusing their power and I called out my manager, who lives in my neighborhood, for giving sh-t to an 18 year old when she's 26. My language was rather colorful... In a sense, I didn't hold anything back. I believe my opening line in the paragraph about my manager was "and lastly, from the bottom of my heart comes my biggest fu-k you to *manager* you fat little c-nt". Ya.... even though this was supposed to be a joke and a release, several months later one of the board members decided to randomly google the swim club I worked at, on the 5th or 6th page she found this. The board printed the letter, sent it to my house and made my parents sign for it, needless to say it was a very rude awakening that morning...literally. I lost the respect of an entire city... I was a captain on the high school swim team, a state record holder and made all-city, all-conference... my city has 100,000 people in it, 3 high school swim teams, 5 summer club teams and 3 USS club teams, A LOT of people knew me. When this got around to them, their opinions changed of me so much, I was afraid to show my face in the city...I still kind of am... I bunkered myself down in my lake house an hour away for a week and stopped calling anybody. Since then, I've been arrested twice for marijuana and alcohol, whenever I step foot in a public setting in this god forsaken city, I hear people I don't even know talk about what a drug addict I am. I only smoke weed, I didn't take my first drink of alcohol until 16, and these people who don't even know me, who have been drinking since 12 like to talk shit about how many drugs I do, when all I ever did was smoke weed (which is healthier than cigarettes an alcohol. Uneducated people might stop saying it's a gateway drug if we stop calling it a drug and start selling it like cigarettes, then maybe instead of having to buy from a dealer who hangs out with cocaine and heroin addicts we could buy it from the 7-11 and stop being around hard drugs). Oh and did I mention my manager also sued me over the letter? I had to apologize to her and the board so they would stop the legal action against me. My parents don't know about that...

    But here I am, 2 years later. Sure my parents bring it up every now and then, they don't know that it kills me to think about it. But I don't think about it. I don't think about what all those people said about me, I don't think about those ass hole cops who lied to me to get a conviction and made me hate this country. I don't think about leaving UK and transferring to a school closer to home even though I had so many more friends at UK. I don't think about the girl who made me cut myself, I don't think about my ex girlfriends. I move on. Because if I think about it, I will kill myself. I let other people decide my fate because I let them get to me.

    But ya know what? No matter how much they hate you, no matter what they say about you, no matter what they think about you... does it really change who you are? People love to gossip and people love to spread rumors, ignorance spreads lies, but words can't hurt you. Words can't take your life. Only you can (or a pissed off ex-girlfriend with a Wesson).

    Sorry this was long, I'll wrap it up. Stay strong. Forget about what people say about you. Act like you don't give a sh-t even it eats you up inside, they will see the strength and realize no matter how much hate they direct towards you, no matter how much they wish things upon you, your strength is greater than them. There are 6,000,000,000 people on this planet, don't let 10 or 20 decide how you should live.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2011
  4. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    You are very young to take such a burden on yourself. This is not your fault. The problem you are trying to deal with has been caused by abusive adults. None of you youngsters should have to cope with this. Those who are upset with you are also troubled and you are blaming yourselves and one another but none of you are to blame. Just try to remember that and stay as calm as you can and support one another. I think you should speak to a responsible teacher you trust. Take care.
  5. GarrettKai

    GarrettKai New Member

    Thanks so much everyone (especially thepainwithin) everything's been going a lot better lately, haven't thought about her in forever, and now killing myself seems like the most retarded idea I ever had. I have told authorities about her uncle and everything so maybe she'll stop being such a ***** and get her shit together sometime in the future xD; thanks again everyone. I'll be on this forum at least once a week now (I just joined) feel free to message me if anyone needs anything.
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