Nothing I can possibly do.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Reclusive, Feb 26, 2009.

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  1. Reclusive

    Reclusive New Member

    There really isn't.

    I have not been able to better my life in any way and slowly it has dwindled into a sad fucking mess. I've done nothing to deserve the life I'm living. I'm almost 23 and I've had social phobia since age 8. This means more than a fear of social interaction, I have to totally avoid all human kind just to feel good day by day.

    For instance.. if someone were to even knock on the front door I'd have a panic attack. My mind will instantly race, I'll feel like the world's about to end, my heart rate will be off the charts. I'll debate in my head weather or not to answer it. And after I have decided to answer it, if I were to do anything at all that could embarrass myself.. I'll feel like shit for at least a week. I feel like a failure, a reject, not worth anything. I've never been able to just walk to a store and buy something because simply handing money to someone is a giant ordeal. I've never been able to complete my education because I'd be too afraid to attend the class room. I can't control it, medications can't control it. The only way I've even been able to go places is with someone I'm comfortable with, who was my ex, but now there's no one.

    I have no friends. And on top of that, I don't understand why I don't even have internet friends. I play video games a lot, it applies even people I meet in them. People who get to know me seem to care for a day or two, then completely decide I don't exist anymore. I'm not an asshole. I have a nice personality. There's something about me, some unseen force that tells them to run the hell away and never speak to me again. Something that tells them I'm not worth it and to stop caring.

    My family hates me, and I don't exactly love them either. They've had to take care of me financially most of my life, and it's like they have decided to stop caring about me. I understand I need a job, but I can't get one. I work occasionally online, am also trying to finish my education online, and I know it's not enough, I need to work more. But when you're as depressed as I am, it's too hard. It's too hard to do anything. Everyone in my family has their own problems and just doesn't care about me, or mine, but they really never have. My mom is telling me to move out now. Where? Where the fuck could I possibly go? A social phobic who can't even fucking speak to another human being can't exactly fend for themselves.

    I lived with my ex for about 7 years. He always treated me like shit. I cleaned, cooked, took care of him and any of his needs. As a reward I was pushed away, ignored, and told to fuck off. I had enough and a few months ago broke it off with him. I was offered to live with him, but I don't want to go through any of that bullshit anymore. He makes me feel like shit for things that aren't even bad. It's some sort of controlling bullshit, he perpetually tries to mentally hurt me. I stayed with him for so long because he had promised me he'd help me with my social phobia. He'd support me financially no matter what. He'd take care of me, and love me.

    Can't find someone else. I had tried, it ended really badly. I had known him for about two weeks and I fell in love with him. I told him, and he said he loved me too. Then about a week later he changed his mind. He said he didn't. He broke it off with me. That shit hurt worse than anything my ex could've said to me.

    I really don't know what to do. I'll be homeless soon, or dead. What is it about me that makes people hate me, hurt me, or not care about me? I always try to be optimistic, and I try to make good out of a bad situation. I don't disrespect people, I don't lie. I don't do drugs, I don't have casual sex. I believe in God, I just believe he fucking hates me.

    Really. What the fuck?.. What the fuck do I do?
  2. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    Alright ill try to be as helpful as possible and if you find my response bad in any way please ignore it.
    It seems to me that your problems in social situations are hindering you from personally developing and that the only thing that really matters for the time being is that you progress yourself. When talking about phobias what I found really helped was talking with a therapist about my problems, for me it was that I was afraid of what other people thought of me, my projected image towards other people I guess you can say and it kind of hinderd me to where I just avoided certain people (and I still do) but the point is talking about it with someone who can put it into a perspective that can help you deal with it effectively helps a great deal.
    As for the relationship issues, I would try to avoid certain types of relationships if they can tend to turn out to be manipulative because thats the last thing you need right now, because anything maladaptive kind of defeats the purpose of self progression.
    So I guess what im trying to say is that you should consider talking to someone who would understand and can help you work out the issue at hand so that you can branch out to other things, like having relationships both personal and non personal, attend college (if thats something you wanna do instead of online that is), and get a good paying job.
    Again I dont know the situation and by all means im not an expert but I have a little experience with phobias and it just seems to be the root of the problem. If you need someone to talk to I try to be in the chatroom frequently.
  3. Reclusive

    Reclusive New Member

    There's no one to talk to. Therapists have only tried to drug me, and the drugs don't work. I cannot help myself, and no one can help me. Seriously, I think I only exist to fail.

    My mom officially kicked me out this morning, I asked my ex if I can move in because the way I was going to commit suicide was probably not going to succeed. So I'm moving out today. Hopefully shit doesn't turn out bad.
  4. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    Drugs have bad side effects and I would only use them as a last resort but any therapist that would drug you obviously is on the wrong track and there are really good ones. The first thing we learned in psychology is that medication is there but they have serious side effects and usually to get a desired result it needs to be in a controlled environment so long story short, thats just not a good way to go.
    As for your mom kicking you out that sucks but I would try to talk it out, cause communication is better then no communication, express the problems your having and if she doesnt nudge then try siblings maybe or your father maybe? (I dont know the situation). If you are moving out try to make the best of things but as I said the root just seems to be that fear.
    At the very least I would consider talking to more then a few therapists or maybe to some of the people on this site.
    So basically, I agree with you on the whole medication, if you see a therapist just make it be known that its not the way you wanna go, and a very good one will try to work with you.
  5. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member


    One thing you must remember about social phobia is that your perception of reality is usually way worse than reality itself. I don't know you, so I can't say this with a certainty, but there is a really good chance that you have just misread other people's intentions, or they were idiots anyway, in which case you needn't bother with them. It is very hard to find friends to talk to openly about mental health issues. I've found out that much. I have a few friends, but I think I trust about 1 or 2 people with my problems. That's not to say the others aren't good friends, but they just don't understand what I'm going through, not even when I try to explain to them. If you haven't experienced another person's pain firsthand, at least to a degree, I think it is very difficult to help them. I think here at SF, you will find a lot of people who understands what you're going through. I'm glad to hear that you at least found accommodation. If you find your ex to be mentally abusive though, you should start to look for another flat right away because you don't need the added stress.

    Take care and pm anytime if you want to talk
  6. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Its a very hard problem to deal with and there are no simple solutions. All you can really try to do is make little steps in the right direction.
    If you can find a job somehow or even some volunteer work somewhere, that would help. Having daily interaction with people is a must.

    You could have a look at this forum :--

    It may help to hear from other people who are struggling with the same problem.

    I hope you can find a way through it.
  7. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    No one here hates you. You understand that, don't you?

    I can see from the story you told that you have been harming yourself with self-loathing and this hinders any progress that you might make.

    Most people in our lives are not really especially impressive or particularly admirable beings and there is no reason to care what they think. Turn the inward anger that has been damaging you to the outside, where it properly belongs. You've got every reason to be angry with the world.

    If you need people to talk to, lots of us here are available, including me.
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