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Nothing is beautiful

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anglerfish, Feb 17, 2009.

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  1. Anglerfish

    Anglerfish New Member

    I'm tired, and not just physically -- though, that too. I won't sleep for another hour and a half at least, and when I do, if it's anything like the past week or so, the nightmares will be intense and horrible. I'm terrified of sleep, because it makes me feel vulnerable (I check four times that I locked the door, and still panic just as I'm falling asleep because I imagine/dream about someone coming in), because it brings old memories back (and I relive bad times) or because I invent new horrors for myself and... ugh. I don't enjoy anything. MY senses are muted or too sharp. Nothing tastes good. Sunlight is too bright. I used to dance competitively, and it was a welcome distraction from my depression. Dance doesn't give me any pleasure any more. My music frustrates me.
    I find myself repulsive, and stupid. I can't focus on my work, and I need, need, need to focus on biochem, and I keep starting and then drifting to thinking how much I loathe myself. I saw myself in the mirror and had this absurd desire to just punch the face looking back at me. I am disgusted by the feeling of inhabiting my body, as though it were a suit off a diseased corpse.
    I am lonely, but when try to socialize, I quickly shut down and withdraw, feeling overwhelmed and stupid and clumsy. I wasn't always like this, I think.
    People I used to like annoy the crap out of me; quirks that used to be endearing are enraging. I don't like to be touched -- and so many of my friends are huggers - but every touch feels like a sickening intrusion.
    A suicide hotline hung up on me when words got caught in my throat and I couldn't speak. I've been thinking about it for a long time, but it's intensified so much; I feel obsessed. I fantasize about suicide every time my mind drifts from whatever I'm doing. Or -- oh, this is sick -- I daydream about my ex finally killing me, and excusing me from needing to do it. I almost miss him, because there's something kind of satisfying about being hurt physically. It's so real.
    I want out. I'm so angry, tired, frustrated, afraid -- of everything, shadows and noises and touch -- so damned sick of myself and everyone else. And I guess I just wanted someone to tell me that I'm not just a fucking drama queen.
    And if I died, who would take care of my little menagerie?

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I surely understand how you are feeling...I think it is best to not take everything on at once...and if you haven't done so already, please seek help with how you are feeling...you deserve to feel well and there are many ways (e.g. therapy, medication, yoga) you can feel better...J
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    There are few things as hard as getting over abuse. It is for that reason that I'd like to say how proud I am of you for getting out of an abusive relationship - it's not easy to do.

    The nightmares, flashbacks,and paranoia are particularly difficult to deal with. But as someone who has the same problem, I can assure you that they do get better, they do come less often, and they end up much more manageable.

    You matter so much in this world. And you've been burdened with an unfair anchor stone. But you do matter, as much as anybody. What type of menagerie do you have? Not a glass one by the by?
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