Nothing Left in Me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InMyWay, Apr 14, 2008.

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  1. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Well, not sure I can get through the next few months, or weeks. I just can't take this crap anymore.

    I feel like I have no future, even though things are changing. Last week I had a job interview, and another one may be in the works. But it doesn't feel like it matters. I try to picture a life in either area where the jobs would be (assuming I were offered one of the jobs), and all I see is a life of going to work and then going home. Once home, cobbling something to eat, then sitting around until I fell asleep. Repeat process five times, rest twice, repeat process.

    I look at that and think, "What's the point? Is being alive worth being miserable and lonely till you croak?". Anytime I think of going out it only depresses me further. I don't feel comfortable around people, not since I got out of college almost a year ago. Any confidence I had in myself died when I got out and came back home. From then on it has been the same thing every day, and when something changes it is always for the worse.

    I hate to say it (at least part of me still hates to), but family seems to be what is killing me. Family, the job situation, the lack of a girlfriend, finances, etc.; but family seems to be the major thing bringing me down now. I don't want to get into the particulars about it though more than I have because it's personal.

    My whole life is one regret after another. Every time I look at my life I say, "It is what you make of it. If you don't like it, go change it.". I try to change it, but it always seems to go sour whenever I try. I'm sick of standing in my way about suicide. The bench mark system failed, each segment of time I gave myself got worse.

    My birthday is in a few weeks, and between you and me (i.e. anyone still reading) I don't want to reach the age of 23. Age 21 was wasted in its youth, spent mourning when the ex left me in its mid-life, and then enjoyed somewhat in its end. Age 22 was spent enjoyed at first, but has only gotten worse since. Now that it is on its last legs, it only seems right that I pass with it. I've been depressed for over 9 years, seven months. September marks my 10 year, I don't want to make it to that.

    If you stayed this long, I thank you. If you left, I'd have to say you spared yourself something not worth reading.
  2. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    i'm 21 and started around the same age as you. i feel the same way as you, like i'll give myself a day and then think i'll attempt or in a few weeks or something, but for some reason i chicken out like i always have stuff i still need to do like work and school and my moms expecting me home...and i just can't bear knowing that they'd have to go through my death especially if it were a suicide--especially my therapist who's done so much for me.

    i've done a lot of learning though and something i've learned was that the people who come out on top are the ones who believe they can, and that goes for any survival situation whether you're in the belly of the depression beast or in a concentration camp. it comes down to remembering that you want to survive even though so much makes you think the oppositte. i try to tell myself to bear my cross and accept nothing less than happiness.

  3. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Thank you for the comment, really made me think about everything.
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