Nothing Left to Hold Onto

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kennings, Feb 24, 2012.

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  1. kennings

    kennings New Member

    My family hates me. They think I'm faking my illness to get attention and so I don't have to get a job. If I do anything that pisses them off, they'll cut me off and I'll be homeless.

    I have no friends. The few I had, I lost after I broke up with my boyfriend. Even my housemate is pissed off at me.

    I don't have a therapist. I spent 6 weeks finding someone who was taking new patients and would accept my insurance. (I live in a mostly-rural area, so it's not easy to find people.) I finally found someone and saw her twice. Then she was hit by a sudden medical illness and is on leave indefinitely. I've been trying for the last month to find another therapist, but I've gotten exactly nowhere with it.

    My psychiatrist has given up on me. I've already been on every psych med in the book and had 29 ECT's. Every time I see him, he tells me, "I don't know what else to do with you."

    The depression has gotten so bad that I can't function. I almost never leave the apartment. Most days, I don't even get out of bed.

    There doesn't seem to be anything left for me to hold onto but my suicide plan. I keep trying to convince myself that if I hang on long enough, things will eventually get better, but I don't actually believe that. I mean, a giant space dragon could come eat the sun, too, but I don't think the possibility of me getting better is any more likely than space dragons. I don't count on either thing happening. I just keep trying to convince myself there must be SOME good reason not to end it, but I can't find it. I just want it all to be over. It would be so easy.

    What I really want is for things to get better, but I can't find a way to make that happen. So the next best thing is to be dead.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It's good that you've been trying to get better, I'm sorry that the treatments that you've tried haven't worked. If your pdoc doesn't know what else to do, you might want to try getting a second opinion.

    One thing to check on is to make sure that you've had a thorough physical from a regular md. You could have a conventional illness that hasn't been diagnosed.

    You could also check out the thread in my signature.

    Usually there is something that can help, but it can take time and effort to find it
  3. kennings

    kennings New Member

    I've been in and out of therapy for 20 years. I've been at what are supposed to be the best hospitals in the country. The one place that helped, my family yanked me out of because they wanted to control my treatment. Nowhere else has helped, and my family won't even consider letting me go back there. I've done consults, and the only suggestions I haven't tried are things not covered by my insurance--TMS and DBS.

    I've been to regular doctors; I've had every test imaginable run. My current PCP thought my depression might be the result of my brain surgery (six and a half years ago), but neurosurgeon said that couldn't be the cause. After all, I was depressed and make 2 suicide attempts prior to the surgery. I also have MTHFR polymorphism, which can cause intractable depression. I'm being treated for it, but it's not helping. All the other tests came back normal.

    I just don't have any more time left to keep trying and hoping that something will help. There is absolutely NO evidence to support the theory that I'm treatable. I've been running on fumes, and I'm about to give out. It'll be so easy. Just make everything stop and I won't have to feel anymore.
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    What is MTHFR polymorphism?

    I don't know where you live, but you might be eligible for state-sponsored health care. You might be able to get treatment that way that your family can't control and doesn't know about.

    How much would rTMS cost out-of-pocket?

    You might want to try chinese medicine or self-help methods that a mention in the thread.

    Trying for so long without getting better is not fair. I hope that something can help.

    I hope that you can find a way to get better. If you can't, I hope that at least you know that you deserved much better than this, you deserved to be happy.
  5. kennings

    kennings New Member

    MTHFR polymorphism is a genetic disorder that basically prevents your body from being able to break down folic acid. Folic acid breaks down into methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR), which breaks down into L-methylfolate, which breaks down into homocysteine, which breaks down into methionine. Basically, it screws with neurotransmitter levels, meaning antidepressants and other meds that alter neurotransmitter levels don't work.

    I'm on Medicare and Medicaid. They don't pay for TMS, DBS, or VNS. The costs for all of those run into the tens of thousands of dollars. I've looked into clinical trials, but there's nothing near me--I live in a fairly isolated, mostly rural area with few resources, and moving isn't an option. Also, all the clinical trials I've found will disqualify you if you've failed more than 3 antidepressants. I was past that ten years ago.

    Believe me, I've followed every lead. I have looked for possibilities. I've looked for hope. But there's nothing. No hope. No future. The only way out of this depression is death.
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    can you take a methionine supplement?

    you might want to try chinese medicine/ acupuncture, but I don't know if you'll be able to find anything near you.

    there is a web site where people share stays in their homes. you might be able to travel to a clinical trial that way, or is the issue the travel expense itself?

    you might want to try the self-help methods that are in the link in my sig.

    in particular the book "curing depression with chinese medicine". you might be able to get this from a library.

    probably good to see an acupuncturist first though to get a diagnosis
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