My family hates me. They think I'm faking my illness to get attention and so I don't have to get a job. If I do anything that pisses them off, they'll cut me off and I'll be homeless. I have no friends. The few I had, I lost after I broke up with my boyfriend. Even my housemate is pissed off at me. I don't have a therapist. I spent 6 weeks finding someone who was taking new patients and would accept my insurance. (I live in a mostly-rural area, so it's not easy to find people.) I finally found someone and saw her twice. Then she was hit by a sudden medical illness and is on leave indefinitely. I've been trying for the last month to find another therapist, but I've gotten exactly nowhere with it. My psychiatrist has given up on me. I've already been on every psych med in the book and had 29 ECT's. Every time I see him, he tells me, "I don't know what else to do with you." The depression has gotten so bad that I can't function. I almost never leave the apartment. Most days, I don't even get out of bed. There doesn't seem to be anything left for me to hold onto but my suicide plan. I keep trying to convince myself that if I hang on long enough, things will eventually get better, but I don't actually believe that. I mean, a giant space dragon could come eat the sun, too, but I don't think the possibility of me getting better is any more likely than space dragons. I don't count on either thing happening. I just keep trying to convince myself there must be SOME good reason not to end it, but I can't find it. I just want it all to be over. It would be so easy. What I really want is for things to get better, but I can't find a way to make that happen. So the next best thing is to be dead.