Having lived my life in complete alienation, unable to relate to people in real life for the most part, to watch any friends I made in the rare times I accomplished anything (attending school) surpass me and move on with their lives I can say with absolute certainty, people who have others can never relate to the pain of having no one. Losing that person(s) doesn't come close. Don't get me wrong, this isn't about diminishing the loss of someone, it's about how painful it is to never have anyone to lose and I honestly don't expect anyone to understand that and wouldn't want anyone to have to. My friend lost so many to suicide last year, kept saying she hopes this year will be better. You could ask how I could do that to her. My Dad has had a horrible life with his marriage crumbling around him raising 4 kids on his own with his own problems and is trying to move on, but he wont be able to cope with losing a kid. You could ask how I could do that to him. And the answer would be the same, it's got nothing to do with them. Would they blame themselves? I can't change any of that, but I can't go on. That pushed me back, but I can't stay anymore. Being that I'm permanently ill and will never be able to work, that I have no money and can't do anything, that I have nowhere to go and nothing to do and no distractions from my thoughts - I get plenty of time to think about what I've missed out on; the relationships with women, the friendships with others, kids I'll never meet or watch grow up, a wife I will never fall in love with, a house we'll never buy, and far far less significant than that in a way that no one even considers not having them because it's a part of their lives. They could not understand if I explained, and they do not want to understand. An empty existence hurts exponentially more than any loss. And now, I can't cope with it anymore. I'm 27 and my future was ripped out from under me as a result of my childhood fears manifesting every day for the rest of my life - sometimes literally right in front of me as hallucinations. I've rarely worked and every attempt ended in failure, setting any progress back farther than it's ever been - I can only compare the relapses to tearing parts out of my mind. There's not much left and I am incredibly aware of the deterioration. It's like looking down and seeing myself slowly dying with nothing and no one nearby. You can come and say that death is the easy way out, or you can realize how potent and overpowering the will to survive is that's embedded in every human and the strength it takes to overcome that by sheer force of will. The former is only a dried up saying created by optimists and wishful thinkers who know no better nor what we suffer. It's hard to hold a heated iron to your hand because of the pain, but continuing to do so is stupidity - not strength; that iron is life. I feel like I wake up a different person every day, weighed down by the troubles of the last. So I never achieve anything. What mattered the previous day no longer does. Only a similar base of interests that are too far spread to mean anything. And, for the first time in those 27 years I have my method planned out, the will to go on still torments me. Is mine unnaturally strong? I should of gone 19 years ago, and every day since. But why go on, the prospects for the future are an empty void that will never change. Our government has withdrawn healthcare for non-crisis situations in many aspects, and is forcing mental health teams to act as gatekeepers deterring mentally ill people rather than encouraging support. I can't get anything above a GP anymore. By day my brain tears from the stress of being poor and alone, and at night I scream in my sleep and I don't even know why because I can't remember dreams or nightmares anymore. Do not tell me that there's something to live for, you have no way of knowing one way or the other and it is nothing more than wishful thinking for your own sake. Well, this is it. I'll keep on moving until the weight bears down on me, then I'll stop moving forever. People created the concept of an afterlife because they needed a reason or longevity. I don't, I need the nothingness - I don't want to be me anymore, not now, and not ever again.