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Nothing Left

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cie, Jan 30, 2015.

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  1. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Having lived my life in complete alienation, unable to relate to people in real life for the most part, to watch any friends I made in the rare times I accomplished anything (attending school) surpass me and move on with their lives I can say with absolute certainty, people who have others can never relate to the pain of having no one. Losing that person(s) doesn't come close.

    Don't get me wrong, this isn't about diminishing the loss of someone, it's about how painful it is to never have anyone to lose and I honestly don't expect anyone to understand that and wouldn't want anyone to have to.

    My friend lost so many to suicide last year, kept saying she hopes this year will be better. You could ask how I could do that to her. My Dad has had a horrible life with his marriage crumbling around him raising 4 kids on his own with his own problems and is trying to move on, but he wont be able to cope with losing a kid. You could ask how I could do that to him. And the answer would be the same, it's got nothing to do with them. Would they blame themselves? I can't change any of that, but I can't go on. That pushed me back, but I can't stay anymore.

    Being that I'm permanently ill and will never be able to work, that I have no money and can't do anything, that I have nowhere to go and nothing to do and no distractions from my thoughts - I get plenty of time to think about what I've missed out on; the relationships with women, the friendships with others, kids I'll never meet or watch grow up, a wife I will never fall in love with, a house we'll never buy, and far far less significant than that in a way that no one even considers not having them because it's a part of their lives. They could not understand if I explained, and they do not want to understand.

    An empty existence hurts exponentially more than any loss. And now, I can't cope with it anymore. I'm 27 and my future was ripped out from under me as a result of my childhood fears manifesting every day for the rest of my life - sometimes literally right in front of me as hallucinations. I've rarely worked and every attempt ended in failure, setting any progress back farther than it's ever been - I can only compare the relapses to tearing parts out of my mind. There's not much left and I am incredibly aware of the deterioration. It's like looking down and seeing myself slowly dying with nothing and no one nearby.

    You can come and say that death is the easy way out, or you can realize how potent and overpowering the will to survive is that's embedded in every human and the strength it takes to overcome that by sheer force of will. The former is only a dried up saying created by optimists and wishful thinkers who know no better nor what we suffer. It's hard to hold a heated iron to your hand because of the pain, but continuing to do so is stupidity - not strength; that iron is life.

    I feel like I wake up a different person every day, weighed down by the troubles of the last. So I never achieve anything. What mattered the previous day no longer does. Only a similar base of interests that are too far spread to mean anything.

    And, for the first time in those 27 years I have my method planned out, the will to go on still torments me. Is mine unnaturally strong? I should of gone 19 years ago, and every day since. But why go on, the prospects for the future are an empty void that will never change. Our government has withdrawn healthcare for non-crisis situations in many aspects, and is forcing mental health teams to act as gatekeepers deterring mentally ill people rather than encouraging support. I can't get anything above a GP anymore. By day my brain tears from the stress of being poor and alone, and at night I scream in my sleep and I don't even know why because I can't remember dreams or nightmares anymore.

    Do not tell me that there's something to live for, you have no way of knowing one way or the other and it is nothing more than wishful thinking for your own sake.

    Well, this is it. I'll keep on moving until the weight bears down on me, then I'll stop moving forever. People created the concept of an afterlife because they needed a reason or longevity. I don't, I need the nothingness - I don't want to be me anymore, not now, and not ever again.
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    what fears are these?
    what about researching free local talk groups?
  3. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    I was not going to reply to posts today BUT.... "Do not tell me that there's something to live for, you have no way of knowing one way or the other ", and you have no way of knowing either. I do not wish to cause you any further pain but things can change, Hell they do change.
    I just lost my partner and she had made the same decision as you and gave up on life , on finding that someone. She was 34 years old when she made that choice and within months I popped into her life. We shared 33 years together and it was an amazing time. She had "attachment disorder" and a few others that I wont get into, but yet she was lucky to find that someone for her at 34 years old.
    Why could that not happen for you?
    It does not help the despair you are feeling right now and that is horrible for you to be in such pain, but you must realize that is how you are today and tomorrow and the next day but your post suggests that a wife, family, house etc will never happen.
    Just slow down your thinking and try your best at today and try not to bring yourself down with the future because that my dear friend is yet to be determined and it can still change and I sure hope it can and does for you, even if you still have years or months to wait.
    I hope you do not take offense at anything I have said it's just you are thinking into the unknown future and I am PROOF that it can happen at an age much greater than 27.

    I sincerely hope that you find some sort of peace if even for a short time so you can spend some time with your father as his loss would be huge you are right in that count.
    I hope you just keep posting instead of planning but I respect your pontifications either way....take care.
  4. cie

    cie Banned Member

    I'm a bit late responding, days kind of just slip by without noticing.

    You say I don't have a way of knowing if there will be anything to live for either, but a maybe isn't good enough for me. I need something in my life that has meaning, and I've never had that. If someone told me that all the things I wished for will come to fruition when I'm 34 years old - beyond any doubt - then I'll leave this world right now, because I'm not willing to suffer another 7 years of emptiness.

    Even if I had all the things I mentioned, they're no good to me while my mind is broken because I know from past experience I have no hope of gaining them, let alone holding onto them. You say why could that not happen to me, well, there actually are logical and reasonable things to say here but I'll give the only one necessary - I wont let them. I don't have an income because I can not and never will manage to work, there is no future for anyone with me. I wont drag someone down to dealing with my problems - I wouldn't wish that fate on anyone! Not even if I hated them!

    Will they cure my illness in my lifetime? Three lifetimes? Heck no, I could wager even ten lifetimes and there will still exist an era where people like me suffer for it. The least I can do is have the decency to suffer without them. Despite what I say, there hasn't been an opportunity for the contrary regardless so you can't even claim I'm just pushing it away. It's not even there.

    So I say again. A wife, family, house will never happen. I don't believe in miracles because I can't lie to myself to such a degree. Wishful thinking can only be lived on for so long.

    Who is ANYONE to say that their happiness and the light they see is the truth, over the despair and darkness I see?
  5. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    Who is ANYONE to say that their happiness and the light they see is the truth, over the despair and darkness I see? - noone.

    but everyone is able to feel light given it. so people here give light. take it
  6. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Er, that doesn't mean anything. I don't see what that has to do with me, or anything for that matter.
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    It meant everything and nothing, can be taken with a grain of salt or not. Its all up to you.
  8. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    Why are you here cie? What did you hope to find here? You must have had some hope of something to have come on here.
  9. InvisibleGirl

    InvisibleGirl New Member

    Your post is making me cry. I know these intense feelings of emptiness and loneliness and when I hear stories of how people found happiness at age 40, (or whatever that age may be) its painful because the idea of having to go through another 10 years of misery (I'm 30) just feels so impossible. I wish I could feel better, but things just keep getting worse. I dont know what the statistics are, but I work in the funeral industry and notice that a large number of suicides are in our age range. I dont know the reason for that...but suspect it has something to do with realizing you are an adult and not feeling like there is anything to look forward to. I am very sorry for what you are going through, I truly am. I dont know whats on the horizon for you, but I hope you can find a way to hang on long enough to find out. I have no advice, just wanted to let you know that Im right there with you and can relate...
  10. cie

    cie Banned Member

    People to relate to. It has nothing to do with hope; that's just an assumption based on wishful thinking - which is useful to no one.

    I can hardly say your findings are surprising - Our suicide rates are swept under the carpet but they're significantly higher than the road death toll that is harped on about all the time. Sadly people will turn away from what isn't forced in front of their eyes if it doesn't pertain to them and the government benefits from the country's ignorance so they don't have to provide adequate care and so forth.

    Thanks for your words.
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