I've quit all forms of therapy and am weaning off my medications. Therapy has always been a form of attention-seeking and ruminating for me, which makes it impossible for it to have any positive effect on me. I was often told that I wasn't "ready" which to me just seems like code for "nobody can help you but we don't want to be honest because then you'd kill yourself and we'd be held responsible." I can't go on. I can't do this. I want to quit and give up so badly because those are the only things I've ever been good at. I have wonderful people here suggesting great things that may help but the truth is I have no motivation or desire to help myself. I'm addicted to feeling like this because it's the only way I can ever get attention. Nobody has any tips or ideas for anyone like this. I just don't care. I'm never going to be an average, normal human being. I'm always going to be insane and it's always going to impact my life in huge ways. Everyone always tells me that it isn't my fault that I'm like this, as if that matters. My abusers are living full, complete lives while I've been here spinning my wheels for eleven years despite the clearest, best option for ending the pain being right in my face the whole time. I hate this culture that tries to make everyone feel important or like their life has value. We're all microscopic motes of dust. The world would keep spinning even if I died. I just want to scream and curse and throw things. I'm so angry that I don't live in a world where I can kill myself guilt free. That's all I want. I don't want to die alone. I wish the people around me could understand that they can't help me and I'm going to be suffering for the whole of my life. I fantasize about everyone I ever cared for being there for me when I decide to kill myself. I want a chance to say goodbye.