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Nothing left

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by joydiv, Oct 20, 2009.

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  1. joydiv

    joydiv Member

    I've lost the only friend I thought I ever had. But it wasn't even real.

    I am utterly alone in life, surrounded by inescapable reminders of how much this world really is full of sick and evil bastards.

    My tiresome and controlling mother is the only thing stopping me from jumping - something I've thought about every day for months, and a lot of the time for years (five of which I have not left my house in).

    Days and nights are as empty you can imagine. Wake up, turn on the computer, eat some crap, go back to sleep whenever possible.

    The only reason I don't hang myself at home is that I will not be found for months, and I don't want anybody to have to see that if it's avoidable.

    The only reason I don't travel to jump is for similar reasons. Plus I can't even afford the train fare. A grown man! PATHETIC.

    Theres so much more to say, but I am tired and discouraged.

    Existence, thus: Doctor visits every few weeks. Nothing changes. He never sees me at my worst due to me being completely fucking ashamed - I manage to tidy up and get myself together before he arrives. Not that I make a mess. I don't DO anything.
    He writes me a sick note and actually posts it off to the government for me (I cant go outside) so that they continue giving me food money. That money goes into my bank account every two weeks. I then buy a few groceries and pay my bills online. Aside from this, I really just sit. That's it. Just me, sitting here. Wondering why anybody would CHOOSE to bring a child onto this total **** of a planet, the only small comfort being that I am not one of the ignorant idiots who is able to be happy while living in said shit-tip.

    Repeat to fade.

    And in all honesty, I dont really think that knowing poeple who truly undersand what I go through will do anything to help matters. Knowing that there are good people who are also in extreme pain and distress... that's even more depressing and disturbing in itself. Being intimately acquainted with any of them must be nothing but a downward spiral. On the one hand, it would validate my feelings and maybe give me the final courage to actually rid myself of this pitiful existence. But if I look to "normal" people, I end up resentful. Fucking inogrant clueless condescending FUCKS.

    So yeah, trapped too.

    Thanks for letting me venta little.
  2. joydiv

    joydiv Member

    No. There's nothing more to say.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    There's always more to say. I just wanted you to know that I'm listening. Please keep posting, or drop me a pM if you want to.
  4. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Theres loads you can say and vent away thats what we are all here for. PM me any time you want im always around
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Joyvid,

    I'm in the EXACT same situation :blink: Im gonna pm you x

    EDIT: your pm's are turned off :sad:

    PM me hun, if you feel like talking :hug:
  6. joydiv

    joydiv Member

    There's no point in me making friends. I'll just fuck it up. It's not fair on anybody. Sorry.
  7. joydiv

    joydiv Member

    Over the past few days I have decided to go back to living completely alone, as I was before running into an old "friend" about 5 years ago and being introduced to his "friends" before seeing (read: drinking with) them on a semi-regular basis up until about a year ago.

    This also goes for online friendships seeing as I have never been able to fit in with anybody, including on ASH, which pretty much fucking says it all really.

    Less upset all found, I feel.

    Anyway I just wanted to thank IrishDoll for at least trying to get me to speak to her and maybe not be so alone. But anyway, it's for the best. Thankyou and good luck.
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