I've never done this before, but I've been in pain for years. My life has been shadowed by a black cloud since I was born. I was horribly bullied and abused for years growing up. When I was 23 I gave birth to my son, thinking that I would finally have the family and love and LIFE that I've always wanted but never seemed to deserve. My son was born with Down Syndrome. Instead of having a shoulder to lean on during the most difficult time in my life....everyone scattered because they didn't know what to say and the whole thing made them "uncomfortable". My relationship with his dad took a nosedive, and after 8 years he abandoned his son and I. Every year since has been worse and worse....nothing's gotten better no matter hard I've tried. I found someone that I fell in love with, and I thought he loved me too. After a while he stopped showing me any affection and made me feel very lonely. This week, my car broke down completely and suddenly all my friends, who always have me on their speed dial when THEY need something, have scattered. I found out a child I work with was the "unknown victim" in a kidnapping and molestation (a special needs child like my son), I was criticized and picked apart at my job, even though I'm the only one there actually doing my job. Then, to top it off, my boyfriend decided to break up with me rather than be there to support me and prove he really loved me. I know this sounds like a pity party, but it's all true facts. I'm a good person....I'd give you the shirt off my back and the last dollar in my wallet if it meant helping someone, but no one wants to help me. I said to my own mother that I wanted to kill myself...and she told me to "shut up". I have never been this low in my life....and the emotional pain is far greater than I've ever felt in my life. I've sacrificed everything in my life to care for my son and make sure he has everything he needs, but my life and the difficulties that WILL lie ahead makes me not worth it to anyone. I'm sitting alone at home, even after hinting towards wanting to die, and not one person has called....come by. This isn't the first time in my life this has happened, but I want it to be the last. I feel....cursed. Unlovable, not deserving of love, respect or dignity. I don't know what I've done wrong in life, but I just want this pain to end. No one in my life, including my own family, seems to care. The only person who ever made me feel loved was my dad, and he passed away 5 years ago. I've carried a weight around my whole life....and now I feel like I'm drowning....suffocating. And NO ONE cares. If there is a God....I feel he's abandoned me and given me a life where I've just suffered since day one. I'm the responsible, good kid.....yet I'm somehow the "selfish" one and the black sheep. I'm confused, angry beyond words....and empty. I have to hide my pain from my little boy 'cause he doesn't understand. I love him more than life itself and don't wanna leave him....but I don't know how much more I can take. In the end....I'm always on my own because I'm not worth the time. I feel that I just....exist. I'm not ALLOWED to have happiness or a wonderful happy ending in life. I've always been lonely, always having few friends. And now I feel completely abandoned AGAIN during the worst time of my life. I've done everything RIGHT, always been responsible, regardless of the emotional pain I've always been in, but I'm somehow always the one at fault. I feel like a...leper. Someone who is toxic and just ruins the lives of people around me somehow with my bad luck. I am alone...so so alone. I just want what everyone seems to have. Instead I've been a doormat and punching bag for everyone else in life. I don't know what else to do but give up. Cowardly, yes....but how much can one human being take? I'm 34 years old and, at this point of my life, I feel OLD...very old and tired. Don't know what else to do anymore. I've run out of fuel to keep going:*(.