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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nomore76, Jan 15, 2011.

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  1. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    I've never done this before, but I've been in pain for years. My life has been shadowed by a black cloud since I was born. I was horribly bullied and abused for years growing up. When I was 23 I gave birth to my son, thinking that I would finally have the family and love and LIFE that I've always wanted but never seemed to deserve. My son was born with Down Syndrome. Instead of having a shoulder to lean on during the most difficult time in my life....everyone scattered because they didn't know what to say and the whole thing made them "uncomfortable". My relationship with his dad took a nosedive, and after 8 years he abandoned his son and I. Every year since has been worse and worse....nothing's gotten better no matter hard I've tried. I found someone that I fell in love with, and I thought he loved me too. After a while he stopped showing me any affection and made me feel very lonely. This week, my car broke down completely and suddenly all my friends, who always have me on their speed dial when THEY need something, have scattered. I found out a child I work with was the "unknown victim" in a kidnapping and molestation (a special needs child like my son), I was criticized and picked apart at my job, even though I'm the only one there actually doing my job. Then, to top it off, my boyfriend decided to break up with me rather than be there to support me and prove he really loved me. I know this sounds like a pity party, but it's all true facts. I'm a good person....I'd give you the shirt off my back and the last dollar in my wallet if it meant helping someone, but no one wants to help me. I said to my own mother that I wanted to kill myself...and she told me to "shut up". I have never been this low in my life....and the emotional pain is far greater than I've ever felt in my life. I've sacrificed everything in my life to care for my son and make sure he has everything he needs, but my life and the difficulties that WILL lie ahead makes me not worth it to anyone. I'm sitting alone at home, even after hinting towards wanting to die, and not one person has called....come by. This isn't the first time in my life this has happened, but I want it to be the last. I feel....cursed. Unlovable, not deserving of love, respect or dignity. I don't know what I've done wrong in life, but I just want this pain to end. No one in my life, including my own family, seems to care. The only person who ever made me feel loved was my dad, and he passed away 5 years ago. I've carried a weight around my whole life....and now I feel like I'm drowning....suffocating. And NO ONE cares. If there is a God....I feel he's abandoned me and given me a life where I've just suffered since day one. I'm the responsible, good kid.....yet I'm somehow the "selfish" one and the black sheep. I'm confused, angry beyond words....and empty. I have to hide my pain from my little boy 'cause he doesn't understand. I love him more than life itself and don't wanna leave him....but I don't know how much more I can take. In the end....I'm always on my own because I'm not worth the time. I feel that I just....exist. I'm not ALLOWED to have happiness or a wonderful happy ending in life. I've always been lonely, always having few friends. And now I feel completely abandoned AGAIN during the worst time of my life. I've done everything RIGHT, always been responsible, regardless of the emotional pain I've always been in, but I'm somehow always the one at fault. I feel like a...leper. Someone who is toxic and just ruins the lives of people around me somehow with my bad luck. I am alone...so so alone. I just want what everyone seems to have. Instead I've been a doormat and punching bag for everyone else in life. I don't know what else to do but give up. Cowardly, yes....but how much can one human being take? I'm 34 years old and, at this point of my life, I feel OLD...very old and tired. Don't know what else to do anymore. I've run out of fuel to keep going:*(.
     
  2. Richard

    Richard New Member

    my empty depressed self offers hugs.
     
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you here. come to chat so we can help.
     
  4. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    It seems like you are going through a lot and also have been through a lot, I am glad you have found Suicide Forum you will always be loved here, what area are you from? Different areas of the world offer different support places. If you are in the UK there are many have you ever called Samaritans they are a free confidential emotional helpline who will be willing to talk to you about you. I have found a article on feeling suicidal from TheSite.org I hope it will help you, its short and instant to read and also has many places you may call

    Source - http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/depression/feelingsuicidal

    There are also many helplines there hear are a few if you are in the UK
    Samaritans - Phone service available 24 hours a day.
    Tel: 08457 909090
    Depression Alliance - Charity offering information and self-help groups.
    Tel: 0845 123 2320
    Supportline - Confidential and emotional support on the telephone.
    Tel: 020 8554 9004
    SOBS - Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide supports those affected by suicide.
    Tel: 0870 241 337

    I hope this helps you x
     
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you've been through a real bad time. Also empathise with your situation as its not uncommon for fathers to flee the nest when it gets too tough. This is a disgrace in my book but some men are creeps and it sounds like you had the misfortune to fall for a couple of them.

    Hard as it sounds, your are better off without them. Especially a dad who abandons his child. I saw this with a relative whose choice of man turned out wrong.

    As for your life always having this dark cloud - I think that sometimes myself - sometimes I'll wake up and think 'f*** this'. But, I've had some people in my life who I loved beyond reason. Your dad, you say you felt close to him and I'm guessing you felt good in his company. Losing him, bad though it is, you got to draw on the love you had and remember how you felt good. Remember him, say a prayer maybe.

    As for nobody caring if there is a God - whatever your faith, or even if you have no faith, life IS sacred. We fall apart when our lives seem like there is nothing sacred in it. For you, the mother of a beautiful child, I'm sure the reason your still here is reflected in his eyes. Don't let the people around you or a broke down car make you think you are nothing. You are worth more than this - and you got to take this one step at the time.

    the first step is admitting how you feel. Your gut reaction right now is that life is not worth it now and will never be. Now, I'm sure you do not have a magic crystal ball in front of you - and neither do I - but what I do have is the ability to KNOW that the doubt that worries you is not worth worrying about.

    You've met the wrong men. How many women have ended up on a downward spiral just because of a similar thing? Or men, we take it worse and a broken romance can hit us badly also.

    Put it this way - IF the father of your child was a decent caring man - odds are problems such as a broken car would be nothing. You would not be here which, lets face it, is a good thing if people are just content with life.

    Aged 34, you are still a young women - and although you do not feel that way you've already stated a fact. As for your son, many men WILL run a mile regardless of the condition he has. I know Down Syndrome kids and adults - they can be a handful and you NEED support in that department. I'm sure your local area has clubs and support groups. I know one thing, the STRESS of your situation is causing your mental stress and depression. For this you should see a doctor at least.

    I'm not sure if you have tried any medication or so on. If I really got so bad I was planning the demise of myself, I'd try medication, presuming that my desire to die was like having a virus such as a cold.

    Worse still you are isolated and obviously losing confidence by the day. This is no good as you'll get worse if you do not try to make plans to live. How you do this - we can help I'm sure, but you have to stay with us and stay with your son.

    Somehow, your life needs a plan of action were you tackle things bit by bit. Separate the dark cloud into smaller ones. Let a chink of light into your life.

    No. Its not easy, but aged 34, to even consider ending your life - your not doing yourself any favours. But as for your mums reaction, this seems cold and its a shame she never hugged you and spoke about what your father thought you would turn out like.

    I'm sure your mum loves you all the same. Some people cannot talk about suicide and it makes them nervous and maybe that accounts for seemingly cruel remarks.

    You've done a wonderful job so far. Hiding your pain from your son whilst the dad is too weak to handle it. What a ****** piece of work he is.

    But anyhow, hope you can take the first step and book an appointment at the docs. After that, I hope and pray that by the time this year is over you'll be happier in yourself.

    34 is no age. Your never too old for romance though. Try and level your life out a little - bit, before you even think about loving a man again.

    And, please remember, when we are depressed, we think the worse of everyone else. But we think WE are the worse person ever to be born.

    This is laughable really.

    Unless you are Hitler or something. Agree?

    Hope the humour does not come across the wrong way - I know you'll not be in any mood to be humoured, but life can and will get better.

    Get some help though. I'll bet there are various groups relating to your situation. Have you ever spoken with any other Down Syndrome children's parents?

    Your doing a GREAT job with your son - your a good mother, but going through a dreadful time which would test any of us. My prayers, best wishes, good look and cheer.

    Please do something positive.

    NEVER be a doormat again. New Years Resolution!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 15, 2011
  6. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    Thank you for your kind words....sad that I have to seek comfort from strangers instead of the people in my life that supposedly love me. If I could put into words all the things from the day I was born maybe I could make people truly understand that this isn't just a current crisis....it's been a life of nothing but pain, shame, humiliation and worthlessness. I've tried....Lord knows I've tried, but people don't get past what they see on the outside....I've never been worth getting past the superficial things they see and that HURTS so bad. What did I do wrong?:*( Why am I not worth it to anyone? Was I put on this planet to just suffer....to be treated like garbage? I don't understand:(. I feel like people are vampires....they take what they can from me to feel better about themselves....then leave me to suffer alone....why??
     
  7. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    And to answer the doctor thing...I have been to a doctor....been on medication for 2 years now. It makes me feel ashamed and humiliated, though, that I have to rely on a chemical to make me feel better because the people in my life can't be bothered. It just numbs me....make it possible for me to get out of bed and go to work to support my son and I....but that's not a life:(. It's just getting by....and I'm TIRED of just getting by. I want a LIFE....I want what I know I deserve but have just never been allowed to have. WHY? I don't know:(.
     
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Also, have you sought respite services so that you can get some time out? Maybe with some relief, you could meet other ppl and not feel so trapped...so glad you shared with us, and here you are not alone...big hugs, J
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    First off i just want to say hi and secondly just want to make sure you hear this YOU are NOT garbage okay you are IMPORTANT you son needs you dearly.
    I too was thrown away god it still hurts but that what not your fault okay people sometimes just don't come through for us when it was needed. You feeling of abandonment of lack of worth i fight that demon everyday. These destorted thoughts we have about ourselves were put there by people that should of cared we are not what they say okay. You are a caring compassonate father . With coginitive behavioral therapy those destorted thoughts can be changed and your self esteem with it.

    Taking medication for our depression should not be shameful it is no different then taking insulin to correct the imbalance of a chemical there when one is under stress the imbalance in our brains of serotonin causes us to be more depressed so we fix it. What shame is there in making ourselves healthier and stronger for our loved ones.

    Please keep talking okay the more you let the words out the sadness out the better you feel. Talk to your GP okay and see about therapy 2 years hun maybe the meds needs to be looked at okay increased added to even changed sometimes that needs to be done. check in with your doctor Hugs to you okay i do understand but please keep fighting okay keep talking to your doc until you can get stable again for you and for you son hugs:cheekkiss:cheekkiss
     
  10. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    Thank you:*(....I'm trying....I really am:*(. My meds have been checked and changed numerous times....nothing seems to help, sadly:(.
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know sometimes it takes awhile you just new really 2 years. Has your doc tried new meds with you less side effects. ssri did not work with me wellbutrin does better it works on dopamine levels not serotonin levels Keep talking to your doc okay do you have a psychiatrist sometimes they are more up on the newer meds out there h ugs
     
  12. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    I take 60mg of Cymbalta....makes me numb, that's all:/....doesn't change the crap in my life that just keeps coming at me from every direction, sadly. I'm cutting out the cancers in my life, which makes me lonely, but it's what's best I guess:*(.
     
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am on 150mg of wellbutrin will probably go up to 300mg soon and yes cutting out the toxic people out of your life is necessary but try to replace them okay with positve ones. Try to get out okay and join a group that has you interacting with others and like Sadeyes said get someone to look after your child so you can have time for just you okay Hugs
     
  14. Just know you are not alone. hugs
     
  15. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    Right back where I was in January....someone please help me:blub::cry2:
     
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