Nothing makes sense....another ramble i think

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lilly, Feb 13, 2010.

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  1. Lilly

    Lilly Well-Known Member

    I don't understand the reason I am here. I should have died so many times...6 years ago...4 years ago....3 years....2 years.....1 year.....
    It doesn't make sense...
    Like, what am I? some sort of medical mirracle??
    Like, I have no purpose, so why am I still here?
    I have stopped going to school....
    My house is a mess!
    I don't want to do anything....
    My mother invited me to my nanas birthday dinner tomorrow. But how can I go knowing that if they see me, it will dissaoppint them soo much? I love my mom and nana, and I know that thye love me, but thye thnk that I am this perfect, lucky princess...and I am not. But I let them believe that I am...I don't know why. Maybe because I didn't want them to know what I really am. A dissapointment. Nothing.
    I AM nothing! If I was SOMETHING, then I would be able to do something with myself. Move foreward to college.....not be so afraid of everything....or at the very what I know i should be doing. Do it finally.
    I read this thing about some cocktail that just ends everything quikly, painlessly, and easily.
    Its perfect for cowards like me. too chicken to kill myself every other time i have tried, i CLEARLY didnt finish the job.
    The ingrediants are hard to obtain....but....I think i will find a way.
    If not I read something else, thats a LITTLE harder to do, but the ingrediants are more available.
    If the ingrediants for the cocktail are obtainable. then I will choose option 2.
    just thought ppl should know.. i guess.................................................................................................
    i actually do not know WHY i am telling you this....
    maybe so that.......some one will remember me.....
    none of you know me...but if i write this, then its on here right? and even if i succeed this time, its still one here.....and maybe someone will read it after.......or not i dunno
    anyway i will stop wasting your time now ppls....
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your nana and mother will be the ones left to suffer talk to someone and get help okay. You are young enough get some help therapy medication don't leave the ones you love in so much pain The love you unconditionally
  3. Lilly

    Lilly Well-Known Member

    thereapy and shit cost money that i dont have, and neither does my money ppl also wont pay for it bcuz they want me to be, rlly it makes no sense, but ya...............
    everything cost money in this fucked up society we live in today
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    can you not get therapy on a sliding scale most therapist will only charge what you can afford. sorry you are feeling so helpless there are universities that will give councilling as well degree students training to be psychologist. Councillors at your school a teacher anyone you can talk to.
  5. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I agree with violet. If you are just starting at attend college, the counselors there can help. Try to get on your feet there. College is a whole different world.
  6. Lilly

    Lilly Well-Known Member

    Im not allowed to talk to those councellors because i used to be with cas...because thats still on my thing, they tell me to go and talk to someone there, the ppl there tell me to go and talk to someone else, THOSE ppl send me back to the first original ppl...............its all a wild goose chase kinda thing. its better if i deal with things my way. really. i dont wanna waste these ppls time....they obviously think thats all i am. stupid thereapy ppl
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Lilly go back to the counselor at school and explain you don't have the money to go anywhere else because they all charge$$$...Tell them you need help...Surely they won't turn you away again..You also have us.. We will help support you..You can come on here and talk or vent your frustrations.. Nobody knows who you are so give us a chance..
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