Nothing matters to me now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Angelo_91, Oct 1, 2009.

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  1. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    To be honest... nothing matters. I just pray for death everyday and night. Everyone around me that had meaning has faded. I spend my life in my room, trying to fill this emptyness inside with reading celeb gossip and playing bass. Tomorrow I have college early in the morning. It's better than high school I guess, since I don't know anyone and I can shape myself into anything, but I dont even feel like Im there. I feel invisible walking through the halls. The only way I get to fight the early morning depression and anxiety is listening to Emmure. It feels so evil but it's all I got.

    I look at peoples lives and examine them on facebook and stuff. And all I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. What just happened that I would end up like this. All these posts about me working to change is all a mere rendition of a dream. There is something more blocking me, I can't even describe it. I dont even know if it is just anxiety, because it is huge. It's like the fear is so huge, that it just avoids the every aspect of choice I have. Everyday I keep losing myself but at the same time something in my mind is triggering. I cant explain it. It feels like I have so much hate buried within, that I could kill someone I dislike.

    The littlest jokes about me stir up hatred, like being called 'gay,' or even stupid ****ing sarcasm. I know Im not, but it just grabs deep inside me and stirs it so much. It unveils so much in me and drags me down, deeper in the hole. I crave revenge, to see someone on their knees asking for forgiveness, and then me just killing them. That is one of my dreams. I know deep down I am a kind person but that person feels no reason in even showing itself anymore. Im still waiting for this perspective that these hands are better off empty.

    The closest thing I could make any of you feel what i sort of feel is if you listen to this song with your heart in it. It also helps to read the lyrics..
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Have you been to a doctor. Sometimes the worst of this is the biochemical composition in our brain. If you don't mind my asking, how old are you and what are you studying in college?

    I'm 52 and I'm an art major.
  3. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    We're really on the same boat Angelo, you know I'm going through the exact same problem in my college so you know you're not alone in this... when people, expecially teens, are all socially connected, they tend to look down on those who are not, and even try to make them feel worse about it. Usually it's best just to ignore, but if it really gets into your skin like that, maybe you're better off just keeping away from them. You're in college, it's possible to have good grades without any teamwork, just *try* to focus on that.

    Try to manage those rage impulses the best you can, the worst that can happen to you is snapping out and hitting someone or anything, a reputation as agressive is the last thing you need in your situation. And don't spend too much time locked with your mp3 player, it's not healthy, try to do other more active stuff inbetween.

    PM whenver you want and be strong my friend. :hugtackles:
  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Im 17, turning 18 in Dec. Im studying General arts.

    And no Ordep.. no one in college is aggrovating me or anything, tbh they are decent people to be around but what do i know for sure. I was just talking to a guy on msn that went to my high school and I guess he was joking around but it got to me.

    Sometimes I feel what i really need is a friend to just talk to, without being judged or get sarcastic responses.
  5. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I understand you Angelo, well if your college mates are not that bad, I'd say just keep an eye open, there's always people who have a harder time fitting into college, and those tend to be less critical about others. Try to strike a good friendship in college, that's the first step you have to take.
  6. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing that. Are you in your first year at college? General Arts is a great way to start. It gives the opportunity to check out what the different subjects are all about.

    I thought I wanted to be a computer major till I took a drawing class. I think it was the instructor that had everything to do with it. The way he taught the class. Later, I took a drawing course at the local college just so I could get some quiet time for drawing. The class was awful, a totally different approach. It's amazing how one subject can be so different with another instructor.

    What classes do you have this semester?
  7. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Yea, I know how you feel. I just started college for the first time this semester and I haven't made any friends yet. But a lot of times when I'm walking around campus I see depressed or friendless looking students walking around. They are either dressed really sloppy or their hair is all messed up and they are walking by themselves staring at the ground, just things like that I notice and at least it makes me feel less alone in what I'm going through or how I'm feeling. Your not alone trust me. Feel better :)
  8. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hey Angelo. I know it's no substitute for real life, but no one will judge you here :hug:
    I feel the same way when I go on facebook. I mean, I have a few friends, but I see pictures of people with groups of people, people always documenting their busy days. Lives filled with friends and work. And my life is filled with nothing. It's just an empty hollow nothing from day to day.
    Guess all I would say is to do your best to stick by positive people that you know. Maybe try to get involved in something in your school. ANYTHING to get out of your room. I know the misery that comes with staying inside all day no one to talk to.
    Good luck my friend :hug:
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Angelo,

    Is there a counsellor at your college that you could speak to? You don't have to suffer like this. Keep reaching out.I spend most of my time in my bedroom too, it gets lonely, if you're able to go out then do so, you'll find something that you enjoy :) :hug:
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