Nothing really left.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Adam, Sep 3, 2014.

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  1. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Things have been bad, really bad. I am waking up suicidal and going to bed suicidal. I saw my CPN Monday, but found myself lying to him about my mood. Hell I did such a convincing job he thinks I may be a little high in mood. I did consider telling him how deeply my plotting goes but then I thought why bother. Because ultimately it just results in being warehoused and drugged and left to rot watching day time TV. Patronised and forced to colour in like a fucking four year old. Nah fuck this shit, fuck 'help' at this stage. I am sort of accepting there is none for me. I am sick of being a frequent flier losing more of myself to creeping madness and resultant indignities. Some of my friends acting more like carers. Telling me shit I have done but don't really even remember. Tired of being haunted.

    Recent events also have stolen the last of me. I am sick of takers. I am dead inside and even death itself does not seem bothersome, only the damage it will cause. My mind burns on that one issue and I can only think of a few minor ways to mitigate some of it. There is nowhere for me to go and no one to now to turn to. I feel weirdly alone in a really alien way. Like I am mentally saying goodbye to every one I love while still going through the motions. I can see no reason beyond them to stay and even they don't feel enough now. I can also find no mental reason to keep on blindly hoping for a better tomorrow. All evidence is counter to the promised land of a happier tomorrow. Bones and mind both in a state of one way decay it seems.
     
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hey, you have a brilliant mind. i agree help available is mostly utter shyte.
    what if we could form some radical movement, the sort of help which actually works.
    you deserve good things and life
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    ahhh i hear your pain i hear you struggles but Adam it can get better I know you don't want to be hospitalized but there you will not have to fight the thoughts alone ok Having someone to talk to does help it does. I am glad you are talking here Tell you professional helpers the truth so they can help you keep you safe until the dark thoughts lessen some
    Dam depression hard one to fight it is but don't give up
     
  4. James12

    James12 Member

    You do have a way with words Adam, I hear you about your feelings and observations in getting help. I've always spent time coloring in the hospital, and my coloring isn't much better than a 4 year olds ; )
    I don't know you, and I'm sure you've heard this already.. But if you can hold on, things really may improve. They do for most people with depression, it's not a permanent state. There really is hope, even if your depression makes it hard for you to believe. I hope you feel better bro, you deserve it
     
  5. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    I wish Scary forest. There used to be a kind of halfway house here. It was very good it took a whole approach to mental health, did not just condemn you to day time TV and heavy duty medications. It worked on the recovery star model. But they closed it. The feeling of having nowhere to go is a very strong one.

    Eclipse they barely talk to you, they are meant to but they are so busy with the severely ill or acting out patients, you kinda get lost in the background. I don't care any way. I have done this whole thing so many times. I don't really want the dark thoughts to lessen I want them to carry me through so the fight is just over. The struggle becomes moot.

    James I apologise I was not mocking those who like to colour in. It is just in there it is mandatory, they force you out your room to colour in. Which just reminds me of my trembly hands and my failure at graphic design college, due to this bipolar. Sending me manic and landing me inside the unit in the first place. It is a reminder of the cycle I just can't cope with any more.

    Thanks for the well wishing though, but I am all out of hope.
     
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