Things have been bad, really bad. I am waking up suicidal and going to bed suicidal. I saw my CPN Monday, but found myself lying to him about my mood. Hell I did such a convincing job he thinks I may be a little high in mood. I did consider telling him how deeply my plotting goes but then I thought why bother. Because ultimately it just results in being warehoused and drugged and left to rot watching day time TV. Patronised and forced to colour in like a fucking four year old. Nah fuck this shit, fuck 'help' at this stage. I am sort of accepting there is none for me. I am sick of being a frequent flier losing more of myself to creeping madness and resultant indignities. Some of my friends acting more like carers. Telling me shit I have done but don't really even remember. Tired of being haunted. Recent events also have stolen the last of me. I am sick of takers. I am dead inside and even death itself does not seem bothersome, only the damage it will cause. My mind burns on that one issue and I can only think of a few minor ways to mitigate some of it. There is nowhere for me to go and no one to now to turn to. I feel weirdly alone in a really alien way. Like I am mentally saying goodbye to every one I love while still going through the motions. I can see no reason beyond them to stay and even they don't feel enough now. I can also find no mental reason to keep on blindly hoping for a better tomorrow. All evidence is counter to the promised land of a happier tomorrow. Bones and mind both in a state of one way decay it seems.