Nothing seems to help and I don't even want to try any more

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BCR, Aug 3, 2013.

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  1. BCR

    BCR New Member

    I'm in my mid twenties and have delt with various mental illnesses all my life. I have no idea which one I have exactly cause every doctor I go to seems to give me a new diagnosis. So far I have been labeled: BPD, Bipolar I and II, Anxiety, Severe Social Anxiety, Asbergers, High Functioning Autistic, Depression of various types, ADHD and one even told me I just need to a get a boyfriend to calm me down and control my emotions.

    Personally from my experience and knowledge of mental illnesses I think I have Bipolar II and horrible anxiety with depression. Currently I am in very bad straights, unable to do anything but sob all day until I eventually pass out. Everyday I am deeply depressed with no end in sight. My parents have emotionally abused me all my life and have a horrible understanding of mental issues (telling me to just control it or to be positive or how I need to lose weight and get a job and I will be fine). They have refused to research, forcing me instead to cry in front of them as I try to explain my issues while they still do not understand and ridicule me. Even when I write out my feelings and tell them how much they have hurt me, they sit me down and read my pleas out loud and tear them apart while I sob, then hang it on the fridge to remind me how they are always right. They will not let me leave the house or see any of my doctors or therapists unless they are with me and I am not allowed to drive unless theya re with me as well. I am also unable to access my money and investments because of them.
    TL;DR - I'm trapped in my house unable to hold a job or leave because of my mental issues

    Skip to the line if you don't want to hear my pathetic history of trying to get 'help'

    I have undergone treatments for this since I was about 6. I've been on dozens of meds such as: mood stabilizers, anti depressants, anti psychotics, anti anxiety, beta blockers, SSRIs, drugs designed for bipolar and even some 'alternate' shit such as herbs. I have also done several treatments. So far almost 10 therapist through out my life, various social workers, 5 doctors. I've also been to a mental ward for a week at a time each.

    I'm not being negative or filtering out the good aspects when I say NOTHING HAS WORKED FOR ME and most have MADE ME EVEN WORSE. Medications have caused me to have horrible side effects that do not go away or take years to finally subside. (I'm not going to lsit them all, I'm sure many of you have had to dealt with them) and done nothing to improve me. Some meds like the anti psychotics have made me extremely horrible and suicidal and caused me to go into rages that have lost me close friends. Others have prevented me from driving, focusing on thoughts at all or doing anything from working to enjoying past times like games and writing. Doctors have been even worse. I've had doctors give me extremely high dosages of medications telling me they work based on weight when they made me violently ill, Doctors who tell me to go cold turkey on several meds at once then tell me to go on even stronger, different ones, doctors who have suggested ECT and lied about the side effects to try to coax me into doing it and doctors who have said I only have one illness that they specialize in treating so they can use me as a poster child to come to seminars with them while the treatment they give me does nothing. My last med made me almost kill myself from the side effects alone and my current doctor simply scoffed that I didn't give it enough time to work and I was closed minded. (parents agree)

    Therapists have done little to help me and some even convinced me that death is the best way out. One called me a "psycho
    bipolar bitch" when she got frustrated with me during a session (my parents defend her saying I am hard to deal with). Another told me to read The Secret and blamed my issues on me not wanting to be well hard enough. Others treated me like I was 5 and told me to list what makes me feel happy and NOTHING ELSE (aren't you supposed to build off of that? seriously). Another I had a family session with agreed only with my mom and told me how I needed 'tough love' to snap me back to 'normal'.

    When doctors and therapists did nothing I decided to admit my self to a mental ward. I was abused at this ward in many ways. Nurses made fun of me, I was bashed and outcast because I did not believe in god, I did not receive any therapy while there, the doctor who worked with me took me off all my meds saying I just had bad anxiety and needed to work it out, and the place was full of much more mentally troubled people who screamed all night and wandered the halls insulting and assaulting people. This made me worse, I was unable to sleep after this because of nightmares and I still have them even after over a year. Instead of going to a different ward I tried IOP. The first one was horrible, I was told to leave to room cause I could not stop crying and none of the techniques helped me. It was all "change how you think" while I sat there not even comprehending how to keep go access my racing thoughts let alone control them. So I tried another IOP but I found out I had to be there 6 hours a day 5 days a week which made me very nervous. I gave it a week and nothing helped, just more "think happy" and "Focus your energy to get well". It was here I talked to a nurse about how I had been drinking at night to actually get sleep and feel happy. I'm not exaggerating her when I say most of the medical and physiological staff freaked out and demand I go to rehab. So I drove there and found out that they LIED to the hospital saying i was drunk and addicted. Because of this I was forced into another mental ward and threatened (they said they'd call the cops and get a judge to lock me up in a ward for weeks if I didn't comply). This one was even worse than the last. I was stripped search and humiliated by the nurses and they made fun of how fat I was. Other pateints sexually harassed me and when I told the staff I was instructed to just accept it cause these kinda things happen. Once again there were multiple people int he ward who needed to be in a separate area as they screamed and assaulted people ro even stole other people's things with no punishment what so ever. The Line Of Sight policy was to sleep on a thin pad in the always lit hallway. If you were unable to sleep they drugged you then worte on your file that you needed sedatives which meant you had to stay in the ward longer. Many nurses told me that I was a mess and if I couldn't make it in a ward and stop crying there was little point in letting me out. I was not given one and on therapy, instead I was forced participate in group ones where they made us talk about recent deaths in our family or jesus and kicked us out if we could not stop crying. One of the sessions was a man who came in to sell us his book about god. The nurses always pretended to be busy and never helped us, but if we were showering or somewhere else when they wanted us to take meds they got very angry and yelled at us.


    I am stuck living with my parents who make things much worse. My family is not much better (uncle says I just need to party and enjoy life and others are very religious and just tell me to pray and go to church). I have tried many different treatment options over decades and none of them worked. I don't know what to do anymore. I need real, serious help and all I have gotten is abuse and horror. Nothing seems to make me feel better even the slightest. I'm losing friends fast because all I am in depressed and angry and no one lives near me. I spend every day in my room on the computer sobbing.

    People have suggest that I get in contact with a case worker or mental heath advocates. I currently have emailed several foundations and groups but none have contacted me back save for one which just gave an automatic response. I am unable to fill out forms or use the phone because of my state and my parents will take over the entire thing and either convince me my ideas are silly and to drop it or to use their ideas instead which do not help and make me worse (such as trying meds they've heard about on TV or parroting things Dr Oz and Phil have said). I also would like to file for some kinda of government assistance but I am unable to do that as well because my parents raised be extremely sheltered. I don't even know how to make a bank account.

    If anyone has any advice that can help me PLEASE RESPOND.
    I need help NOW and fast and I have little resources to get any. I have no idea where to even start and no one seems to be answering emails I send and I cannot use the phone because my parents will hear and try to take over and control me again.

    I want to live and know what it's like to not be depressed and in pain all the time, to go through a day with near tears the entire time. But year after year I get worse and nothing helps. Just, if this is how my life is going to be, I see no point in trying any more. I really need help.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu need to tell you doctor all this and get help by changing your meds by getting into programs will help you live independantly away from your family
    Your doctor is the place to start
  3. BCR

    BCR New Member

    I have already told my doctor. He just gives me more meds over and over that do nothing. I need real help not just a doctor who gives me meds that make me worse. And if you read my post you would have learned that I have been in SEVERAL programs that made me worse.
    Please read my post and don't just suggest things I have tried a hundred times already.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I actually did read all of your post hun but i know the only one that can help you is YOU and you reaching out to the people who can give you contacts in your area for help

    Your doctor know these contacts

    You cannot tell me you have tried all of the different therapies there are and all the different meds

    Sometimes it take along time before they find the right cocktail that will help you

    There are new therapies new meds each year that are developed to help people

    If there is something you are interested in the join up for a class volunteer somewhere that will get you away from your family and in a place to meet new people like at pet shelter You have to reach out ok and when people try to help you not to be so defensive hugs
  5. BCR

    BCR New Member

    I cannot leave my house my parents will not let me.
    I have reached out for years and years, desperately trying to get help only to get abused repeatedly and you tell me not to be defensive.
    Must I try every single med and therapy before someone will actually help me? I do not need someone to tell me that 'it's up to me and to reach out' I need real help from someone who can support me and advocate for my rights instead of just dumping me in wards and support groups.
    That is why I am posting here. I need to get in contact with someone who can be my real support. My illness has cost me my friends,family and rights. I cannot just keep reaching out when doing that gets my arms cut off.
  6. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    BCR, i think the main problem here is actually not knowing for certain what you have- their for.. all these diffrent opinions put you on all these things that may not help at all.

    for example: say if you don't have anxiety, and they put you on an anti anxiety med... something like that- the first thing you need to do is go back to the doctor and say, look.... i'm fed up of all the diffrent opinions i've been getting- just can you properly tell me what i have?

    then when you know you can go on relevant meds- going on diffrent meds for diffrent disorders so quickly isn't going to help when you don't know what it is you actually need.

    good luck- you really do need to do this
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    This is a bit of a tricky situation... But I'll see if anything I say can help.

    You're an adult. Putting the mental health confusion to one side for a second, let us explore this.

    Your parents want to know your every move, refusing to let you be alone - with which doctors and therapists are not getting to hear you talk fully about them because they're going above you to make you feel like you are wrong all the time. This would mean they are always right. Forgive me for being blunt. They are human, and humans are imperfect. Therefore you are bound to be right at some point.

    On top of this, when the help is offered (and seeing multiple doctors through this can have the affect it has, multiple diagnosis, leaving you confused and uncertain, multiple therapists not taking a sensible approach and removing your parents from the room for a session to see what changes happen regarding your behaviourisms), it is seemingly geared towards your parents, basically ignoring you, but they are emotionally manipulative, and do not want you speaking out about it because they are "always right".

    On to the mental health side of things.

    Depending on what is heard by a doctor, they are people too and have different thoughts/opinions on what it could be. However, being through a cycle of many different diagnosis, mainly where the meds that are thrown at you are making you feel worse, you are entitled to stop trying them. Most take 4-6 weeks to have effects, but side-effects are different. This could mean that you do not actually need medication, but just someone to sit, and listen to you. Respecting your decisions, and not taking the words of others (including parents), which seems to be lost in translation.

    I can fully appreciate that while you have tried many meds/therapists and such, have you tried talking to the doc/therapists and refusing to co-operate with parents in the room? After all, YOU are the patient. YOU are the one that needs the help and support. YOU are the one who needs to be heard. Not your parents. It's not their life. It is yours - and no-one else can live it for you.

    Hopefully you find some of this useful.
  8. dannyboy86

    dannyboy86 Active Member

    I am terribly sorry you have so much on your plate. This is so hard for you I know it is. I really hope that one day we can heal the mind like we do the body, so that mental illness can be cured like cancer.

    In many ways mental illness is like cancer. It will claim its victims just like any other disease. And when your mind isnt feeling well, then no part of you is. It is a horrible battle this i can understand. Its so hard to keep going. I know how you feel. I have many of the diseases you listed above.

    Your parents need to seriously stop breathing down your back. And its very hard to be in a room with people when they are all against you!!! I have been in the same situations. It is not helpful. They act as if you are 'NOT THERE' and carry on hurtful conversations, which then causes you to internalize your pain instead of expressing it, which then causes people to withdrawal and isolate because they feel, well no one understands, or takes the time to listen, so who the hell cares.!!!!!!!

    I Hope you find peace in your life, it is what you diserve, and happiness to. You diserve the good things that life has to offer. They will never understand you they arent in your shoes. I cannot even completely understand. But I can relate. Love Danny
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