Nothing Special Here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Help me please, Sep 28, 2008.

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  1. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    I was diagnosed and medicated for depression when I was 10 or 11.

    For the past 5 or 6 years, I've been trying to suppress blatant feelings of homosexuality.

    Never really had many friends in school. The ones I did have, I could never confide in. They'd just laugh at me.

    College was different. Man I was the shit, I was popular; but I was still in the closet, and still wanted to jump off the top of my dormitory.

    Like the genius that I am. I dropped the councilor I had worked up the courage to see for all of 3 sessions. (He had looked at me as some sort of achievement to conquer, rather then a person to help.) Instead of finding a new one, I found alcohol.

    So naturally, I partied hard. I was out three, four, sometimes five days a week. Just trying to forget about how much of a queer I am, and how much of a loser I really am, that these people, my "Friends" Don't know.

    So I failed out my first semester. I appealed, same thing happened the next semester anyways. I didn't learn anything, I'm an idiot. The worst part is. I'm not a rich kid. So I'm paying for it, not my parents. (Hell, they wouldn't of paid for it even if they wanted to or could.)

    Oh well, right? Just another step down the tragedy of my life.

    So, I'm out of school. I'm Sheetrock taping for a living now. I get up at about 5:30AM, and I can be out till 8Pm tops. I like to spend my leisure time playing X-Box live in my underwear, 'cause that's how much of a cool cat I am.

    I don't see my "friends" much anymore. I'm afraid I'm going to be alone again. Guess it's not really that big a deal, I've always been alone. Nothing new to me. I don't want to be alone anymore. It's worse now more then ever.
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Do you believe your sexuality is soley to blame for how your life currently is and the negativity you feel towards yourself? If you don't mind me asking, why do you feel bad about being homosexual?

    Have you tried telling your friends about your sexuality? One who you feel you can confide in. We're in the 21st century now and homosexuality isn't as frowned upon as it was in the past, it's become a part of the norm now and anyone who treats you differently because you are homosexual I don't think that is your problem. It isn't your problem. You can't help who you are. It isn't an illness or anything like that. I hope somehow you will come to love yourself and accept the person you are and come out of your closet. Understandably it is difficult for you, but don't give in.

    Am here if you'd like to talk anytime.
  3. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    To be honest, no. I don't think it help me though either. Sitting with your buddies, as they point out "hotties", and thinking you'd rather be with him then her is kind of distressing and distracting.

    I remember, when I was younger, I was the only boy of of five, I mean I had four sisters. My father would sit with me, and tell me "Steve, you've got carry on our name. You're my only son, and it's up to you."
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Have you ever thought of contacting a help line for homosexual orientation or even attend a support group? Getting some feed back from people that have been or may be in the same place you are could make the world of difference for you. It could lead you to even finding a few new "buddies" that are more in tune with where you are and going out could be much less stressful. Hun you need to get in touch with how you feel first before you can go out and enjoy who you are. Once you have done that, I think your friends will accept you and things can settle into place once again for you. As for the negativity only you can change how you look at and feel about your situation. But beware, depression can pull you down so fast and so far before you even know it. It tends to make one isolate and slowly close down to all the things that once brought you pleasure and a sense of being. Dont let it win. Try finding another counsellor. One that you can connect with. Another good reason to attend a support group. They can hook you up with excellent resources that you may of never found on your own. Good luck.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Do you think you might be bisexual? Do you have any attraction to females whatsoever? You can't change who you are. All you can do is love yourself, and then others will love you too. Welcome to SF. :hug:
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. Suppressing you felling will not help you in the long run. You need to accept yourself before others will accept you. Seek out support from those who have been where you are and get ideas about how to handle situations.
  7. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    I've thought to seek out others and groups, yes. I've alway been afraid to follow through, though. I remeber hearing about about a 'dance' at the college my first semester. You know,I thought "What if someone sees me?" Or "what would people think?" I can't take being out casted. I hear people talk about their friends and faimly comming out, and how they don't want to associate with them anymore. I know we're treated differently, I see it on TV, I see it in real life.

    I Know I've got to deal with it sooner or later. It's just hard. Thinking about what the people in my life would say. I remeber one time, In the 6th grade, it had to of been around halloween. My mom was being a real nut that year. Anyways, I came home with some coloring in my hair or something, and she freaks out, calling me a Satanist, grabing me and forcing me to wash out my hair. Shit, if she found I was gay? She already thinks I'm gonna burn in hell.

    I'm sorry, I rambled a bit there. Thanks for welcoming me to the forum.

    I think I wasted your time though, I think maybe I'm just wasting time. Nothing would change, how could it? I'd still hate my job, and I'd still hate myself. Lets see what happens.
  8. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    there's nothing wrong with being homosexual. you are attracted to who you are attracted to, who is anyone to tell you its wrong? your parents may freak out and it may take them a while to come to grips with it. but if they are the parents they should be they should eventually come to terms with it and realize its better to accept you then lose their only son by casting him out. as for your friends, you said you don't really associate too much with them anymore, so maybe its time to make some new friends, some friends who know who you really are and accept you fully. typically most all girls LOVE having a gay friend. like the best of a guy without the worry that he's trying to get into your pants. maybe try meeting some girls. alot of the time they have other gay guy friends and like to try fixing them up, lol, may be wierd, but expands your social circles.

    first step is to stop hiding from who you are. stop thinking of it as a bad thing, a dirty secret. be proud to be you and you will find others who will be proud to be around you.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello HMP,
    I am not gay, but I have know problem with it. Everyone is different and has to follow the path that makes you happy!! My neice is gay always has been. I never thought any thing out of the norm about her. My problem with her is she narked on me by telling her mom she was buying pot for me. So I quit again.
    I think finding some girlsto hang around with is a good idea. I always hung around girls when I was in school. They were alot more fun than males. I had some male friends also. Because of my size they were always trying to get me in fights. I was always big through high school. I'm 6'3" tall and weighed around 210 in school. I have never lost a fight, but they kept trying to get me in one. So I quit hanging with them. I am a pacifist,always have been. I don't understand why people just can't get along. O.K. I have drifted off the subject at hand.
    Like the others have said it is the 2000's now people don't freak out when they find out your gay. First get comfortable and intimate with yourself, then start venturing out and see what is what there in school. I wish you luck!!!~Joseph~
  10. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    There's a difference between colouring your hair a strange colour and being gay. It's naturally difficult to come out to your parents in fear of how they react, but even more so for you considering what you father said to you when you were younger. At the end of the day you are their child and hopefully, after a possible initial shock, they will accept it and accept you. I think you may benefit from a support group. There are helplines etc you could contact who can offer support. Here's a lesbian and gay switchboad I think is based in New York (click). If you want any help about getting in touch with support groups in your area let me know and I'd be happy to help. All the best.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 29, 2008
  11. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    That actually made me lol, 'cause it's so true.

    Thanks for the advice and the warm words everyone, and the link Resistance. It really helps to know that there are people out there like you all. I feel a little better knowing, even if it's only for a little bit. Gave me a good note to end an otherwise awful day.

    Really, Thanks, I needed this, bad.
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