I don't know if this counts as a rant or whatever, but I am certainly feeling suicidal. I smile at the thought of death and fantasize many different ways it could be achieved. I am disgusted with myself, the world around me, and the person I want to but will never be. Life is beautiful and ugly at the same time. I see others around me who at one point were miserable (partially because of me) and they are happy now, or at least moving on with their lives. While I am stuck behind hanging onto abusive ties because they're the only ones. Stupid and impersonal quotes about suicide/hope aren't comforting to me. I feel this way often, cynical and melodramatic and full of despair. I wish I could close my eyes and exist in a warm and simple state without thought or anything else tying me to the world around me. I can't handle life, I don't want to handle life.