Nothing to live for anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NandaKR, Nov 9, 2015.

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  1. NandaKR

    NandaKR New Member

    Hello everyone,
    This is my first, and probably the last post in this forum.

    I want to thank you all for reading my thread, and i wish you all a happy life.

    I am a 20 years old male from a North African country,born and raised there.
    I am a decent guy, never hurt anyone or even tried to. Shy,Calm, and easy to speak with.

    My life was fine, i was a good son,friend and student, until my mum died because of cancer in 2009. I was just 14.
    My parents were divorced when i was 3 years old, but i used to see my father EVERY week-end, he was a nice person and he took care of me. I never felt an emptiness or anything.
    BUT, soon after my mom's death, he just vanished, he didn't even come to the funeral or anything. I had no one to take care of me, so my aunt and my Grandma were forced to welcome me in their place and take care of me.
    It was hard at first, the transition from being the spoiled and ONLY kid of the family, to the burden...
    Anyway it took me just couple of weeks, i understood what happened, i adjusted with it, and forgot about my old world, all of that is just a memory now, and this is my reality from now on.
    My aunt and Grandma were okay, they fed me, paid for my school/clothes/games, all in all they were nice people.
    For 3 years thing didn't change, i was still the good person, the good friend and the good student, i've forgot about my father and i told my self maybe he had something to do...

    That until the summer of 2013, when EVERYTHING CHANGED.
    My father did a sudden appearance, he gave me a bunch of Numbers - Emails and FORCED ME TO HACK THEM. ( Yes i was kind of a Rookies hacker, but no one knew about it, somehow he did )
    I was too confused and scared. I was 17 so i tried to speak with him, he hit me and didn't give me the chance to say anything.
    Anywayi started doing what he asked me to do, he used to give me money in return, but i always gavethat money away since it wasn't earned by good work.
    After 6 months of doing this, he became worst, he start giving me TOO MANY things to do and i couldn't do them at the time, since i was studying, he threatned me that he will break my fingers if i don't do them. I thought he was jsut bluffing at first, <mod edit - graphic detail>.
    I was too scarred, so i had to do what he said... i was missing school ,and my grades became a mess, eventually by the end of the year, i f*cked so much that i didn't even pass the exam.
    My aunt and grandma yelled at me and eventually kicked me form the house, since i messed up my school, i ca'nt get a scholarship, and they said they had enough, i am on my own ( They didn't know about my father )

    After that i told my father what happened, he said ( Fuck off, you're useless right now, don't think i am gonna help you ) I was LITERALLY alone in the street with nothing but my laptop.

    I start SPAMMING and i got a bit of Credit Cards, i managed to send my self money by using WU, i kept doing this for 2 months, i raised about 4000$ which is a BIG DEAL in my country.
    I knew that i had no chance of surviving any longer, so i applied for VISA in multiple countries.
    Luckily i got a reply from Japan, and i got my 90 days visitor visa in August 2014.
    When i came here ( Tokyo ) I applied for a Refugee Access.
    I managed to get a Designated Activities for 1 years, and the government of Japan was giving me Around 85 000YEN per month for living / Rent expenses.
    After 9 months of government support i found a Japanese GF, who spoke English and she was into Arabic guys.
    I quickly moved in her place, however she didn't know who i am.
    Beside my Nationality, she had NO IDEA who i was.
    I told her i was a CIA Agent, and i am still with them, however they can't give me any money, coz i am undercover. She thought i was just messing with her, but i was a good liar, eventually she believed me and was scared of me. I did this to make her think i am a killer, so if she think one day she want to brake up with me she won't be able too coz she'll be scarred. By that time i could already understand Japanese, but she didn't know that either. So hen she text her friend, she think i can't read but i do. She kept saying that she's scarred and she can't do anything to me.

    I wasn't proud of what i was doing, but i had nothing to do,
    The Government can't support me anymore, and i can't find a Job due to my Young age.

    Last Month, she didn't comeback home at 6PM, when i called her no one answered the phone.
    After 2 house i received an E-mail from her friends Email saying that she moved out from Tokyo to a whole other prefecture, she paid 3 months of rent until December and please don't kill her, we are not gonna tell anyone you're CIA please just leave my friend alone.
    I tried the to Email her and explain that i was lying and that i need her to comeback, but she thought i was jsut bluffing her so i can find where she is a kill her...

    Now i am on a country, Alone; i have no home, no friends, no family, no siblings, no work, NOTHING.
    I tried to find a job, but i didn't EVEN finish school because of my fucking father. I am just 20 years old male from a fucked up country living in Japan and have no lead to any type of works.

    I have 35 000Yen and i can't hack anymore because when i first came here i had no Wifi so i couldn't stay Up to date and eventually lost my skills.
    I really tried finding a job, new GF, asked the government... nothing work.

    After couple days of thinking, i came to realize that,LITERALLY, no one will notice my death, no one will cry, no one will know, no one will care. So what the hell...

    I hope you all have a good life.

    True things that this world isn't fair, after all, what did i ever o to deserve this life ? Everything was perfect...

    Sorry for my English, it's my 3rd language.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 9, 2015
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