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nothing to look forward to at all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by souperbuddha, Oct 1, 2010.

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  1. souperbuddha

    souperbuddha New Member

    The reason for me feeling suicidal is the fact that I can't live up to my parents' dreams. I have tried to be the doctor they want me to become but I can't get through the requirements in college. After a year I told them I didn't want to go to persue the path of a doctor anymore , but don't know what I want to be since I wasn't given any time to think for myself what I wanted to be. The only emotion my mother could express is anger and dissapointment. The only thing she could say is "I am so disapointed in you." She later told me how embarassing it is for her because she told everyone she knew her entire life how her son is going to be a doctor, never once asking what I wanted to be in the future.

    Since then, I have not been able to sleep, I feel like a zombie, just dragging my life by each day at a time with no purpose. I honestly have no goals left in life, nothing to live forward to. I've tried looking at jobs and anything I can possibly do but I can't bare myself to do any of these things. Why live to do work at places you hate for 10+ hours a day for pretty much your whole life? It makes no sense so why continue? Sure I've had fantasy jobs where id love to be a pro poker player (I suppose id be pretty good seeing how no one can tell I'm depressed or feel suicida?, lol), or race cars, but how practical is that. In fact the only thing I can look forward to in life is being able to drive around and taking the "racing lines" as I drive to my destination, how pathetic.

    I guess in the end, what I truly wonder is how my sister would be treated when I'm gone. If I commited suicide, how would you think my parents treat my 16 year old sister? Would they learn their lesson and not force their dreams onto her, or would they let her persue what she really wants in life? I feel like there is no hope left for me, I can only wish that my actions will allow my parents to release the slack on my sister, so that hopefully she won't feel how I feel someday. Is this a rediculous way of thinking?

    How will my parents treat my younger after I commited suicide?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so glad you shared your experiences with us...I am reminded about the Buddha's last day...he ate a tainted meal, knowing it would sicken him, but chose to not insult the person by refusing...he died of food poisoning...will that be your last day? Having someone impose his/her dreams on you does not mean you cannot find your own dreams...it means you have not practiced finding them...maybe, you deserve your attention...yes, it is a gesture of love to worry about your sister, but what about you? maybe, instead of it being a failure, it is an opportunity to be who you want to be...just my 2 cents and not meaning to be instrusive...big hugs and much caring, J
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi. My parents wanted me to become a doctor too and I suppose a part of me wanted to as well, but when I realized that getting into medical school was nearly impossible and the only possible way was to go to a Carribbean medical school, I decided that I would become a teacher instead. There are many good professions out there then being a doctor, but if you come from an Indian background, your parents only want you to be a doctor and if not, then you're a disappointment. Figure out what you want to do with your life, because after all it's your life, not your parents. :hug:
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