Nothing to lose.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Dikta, Sep 18, 2016.

  1. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    So yeah, it's okay if no one reads this, I just felt like maybe someone should know about it.

    And for people reading, I've recently been through a difficult time and it's still difficult.
    As I hurt the person I love more than life itself, it just hurts. And worse is I think my biggest fear is happening. That I lose him. He is a wonderful person and I know he just acts like he does since he is sad.
    And we live in different countries, around 8-10 hrs apart. Depending on train times.

    So I decided that I will do everything to see if I can get my new passport before the 1st of October. And then I'll just travel to him, so I at least get to see him one more time. And well yeah, to give him all the things I want him to inherit, so I at least know he gets it.

    I mean I can hope, which I do, that things will work out and we can figure it out by then.
    But if not, I guess that's it.

    But yeah, I still worry.. Like first of all I'm not good at finding out roads, new cities etc. 2nd my phone might not even work there, as it didn't the last time. I might be able to use the trains etc at least and hopefully he'll write with me on the way. Although I'm planning on surprising him, since what if I told him and he'd just tell me to f**k off basicly. And yeah, just since he is sad that he would say that.

    But yeah, so if I find the way and get there.. I still wonder... What if he's not home, if he won't let me in, etc.

    But yeah, that is my plan at least. Since I've got nothing to lose if I go there and it won't get better..
    And just wanted it to get out there. Since idk, felt right.

    So I guess thank you, to whoever reads it.
     
  2. jessanne

    jessanne Member

    Why would he tell you to f**k off??
     
  3. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    Well atm I'm only guessing it, since my mind is in a dark place.
    And well he might tell me something because he is sad, if it is actually ''F**k off'' Idk. But I fear he will ask me not to come at least or smt.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi @Dikta I don't think surprising him is the best plan if you think he might reject you once you get there, it could make you emotionally unstable, more than you already are hun :( Talk to him, tell him your plans and tell him what you told us here, that you hurt the person you love the most and want to make it up to him. Good luck and be safe.
     
  5. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    Well yeah, but Im not sure if he will or if it's just my mind telling me he will, since I am sad too. If it makes sense.
    And well he has told me what I can do, but I cant get myself to do that and it makes no sense to me. So I still think I will do it, since maybe it is what he wants in a way.
    But I will think about telling him at least, since still a bit of time to it, so. And hopefully it gets a bit better before then too.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    What is it he wants you to do? x
     
  7. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    Well basiclly to cheat on him, since he thinks that is something I want to.
    So yeah, just hurts he thinks that, although it is kinda my own fault, but I don't even remember it.
     
  8. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    And with that said.. I had some intern joking with others and that apparently happened once again after months of not doing it, while I was drunk.
    And he now thinks I meant it, so yeah. And I don't remember it at all and it hurts, since I would never mean it, not if it wasn't to him.
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That's pretty low for him to think that. I think you should take an hour out of your day and write a constructive e-mail telling him all of your true thoughts and send it to him. He truthful and brutally honest...maybe then ye will get somewhere 'cos if he thinks you want to cheat he really is mistaken, we here can tell you do not want to do that.
     
  10. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    Well he knows my true feelings, I've told him many times, both before and after. I even made him some notes he has at home with it.
    And I can't really tell him my thoughts, at least not the suicidal ones and such, since I don't want him to be more sad and I also kinda fear he won't care because he is sad too. But yeah, just hurts very much he thinks that about me.
     
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    (hugs) sorry hun that is tough to deal with, just know you are not alone. :)
     
  12. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    Yeah, I know. :) Just feels like I am, but I at least still hope it'll get better before then..
     
    Petal likes this.
  13. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Dikta-I am sorry that you are at a point in your life where there is conflict-it seems to me that you are at a crossroads. You care about someone who is not reciprocating your feelings so there is emotional conflict. I have a theory about these sorts of situations (if you'll indulge me for a moment). I believe that people are drawn to one another for a reason-usually to learn something from one another. Both people in a relationship deserve respect-their boundaries need to be respected, yours do and the other persons. My feeling is-that showing up at someone's residence (a person you are in a state of conflict with) is disrespectful. That is just my opinion on the matter. Some conflicts need space and time apart to begin to find resolution. Showing up out of the blue at the persons doorstep might have a decidedly negative consequence-it might be the last straw and the last time you ever see that person again. They might decide that you are a negative force in their lives that they would be better off without. I would think very carefully before you pull the trigger on your plan-it could backfire on you BIGTIME :(
     
  14. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    Thank you. And yeah, I guess it could. Maybe I just hoped so, since it'd be easier when I would then not be here anymore.
    And well we both love each other and support each other. He has helped me many time and I've helped him. We've both hurt each other at times, never on purpose. But he usually takes a bit more time and acts different when I was the one to do it. So I know why he acts like he does. And I hope it gets better, since it usually does. But I fear it won't based on what it is this time.

    And it's just since he was supposed to visit around the 21st of October.. Gave me until the 19th to cheat on him.. Otherwise he wouldn't visit and by the way he wrote.. Just seems like it won't ever happen again and that I'll just lose him by then.
    So yeah, my plan was more based on I would show my love to him by appearing at his home, so he could see that he is the one I love and only him, as it is.

    Again I've thought about just saying I did it, but I'd feel bad for lying and if he'd ask questions.. Or even still think I had done it. What if he wouldn't come anyway.
     
  15. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    It sounds like a very complicated relationship-I don't quite understand it but I don't need to, it's your life and your business. I will say this-I am 53 years old and I've had the benefit of watching relationships play out over decades of time. The power and truth of deep, intimate connections with people is something that grows and develops over many years of time-it's not immediate or instantaneous. Chemistry between two people is instant-but to know the truth about what is really possible between two people who care about one another takes time and patience. If you really want to know what is possible between you and this person-I would dial back on all of the urgent thoughts you're having, take a deep breath and let the gift of time work its magic spell. Long, lasting commitment evolves slowly over time-it's not an overnight process. But when you do find it in your life it is worth all of the effort. You will only know the true nature of this relationship if you back off and let it play out the way that it's meant to. That is my opinion. Good luck to you-LT
     
  16. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    Thank you. And well yeah, but I just know he is the one for me and he at least told me I was the one for him too. And I've felt it ever since we started writing. Although only known each other for 1 year and 4 months so far.
    And yeah, will at least wait a bit more, although it's painful and hurting to just let time pass like this.
     
    lifetalkz likes this.
  17. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Dikta,

    I guess that ultimatum he gave you wasn't a joke or an angry mistake after all. Sorry to hear that :(. You know that you hurt him a lot, but his reaction isn't appropriate. It's like he's setting you up for failure no matter what and you can't win. I hope you rethink going to see him, I'm also afraid it will end negatively for you. I know it's hard, but maybe it's time to give him a lot of space, don't contact him and try to move on? I realize that you think he's the one for you, but maybe all of the signs are pointing to the fact that he isn't? He's allowed to feel hurt by what you said to him, but to punish you for it to the point where he wants to degrade you isn't right. I know that you know it. I hope you find the strength to realize that life is a gift to you, and that you have to put yourself first, no matter how badly it hurts. You were quite patient over the last little while, how long are you going to allow this to continue, letting the time pass as it hurts you? He doesn't seem to be changing his mind. I mean, my story is that I went through the bad period of time, I waited, I was patient, I gave him space and I was completely honest and truthful. My bf finally understood that his behaviour was going to make me leave him and he changed. We've been together 3 1/2 years now, and like @lifetalkz said, it takes time to build a long term committed and deep relationship and in fact, I know my bf and I still have a long way to go. We have the benefit of living together though. I think that long distance relationships can work, but you seem so in pain about all of this and from what you've mentioned previously it's been a long time and it happens often that you either hurt him or he hurts you. If you were giving advice to someone in your situation, what would you say? Can you step away and be objective? Maybe you can find some different answers? I hope the best for you, and please don't decide to give up your life for anyone, especially a man who insists that you cheat on him to what, show your loyalty? I care about you, remember you can't change how a person sees you or thinks of you, but you can change how you react to it and the choices you make about it. xx
     
  18. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    Well I mean I'm autistic, so maybe I don't see it the same way. This is towards the space etc. So I know I was too much and made a deal with him in November, that if I was too much or he needed space he'd write something to me.

    And I've never been able to see myself get older than I am, at least not older than 25, so to finally find the one I'm comfortable with and makes me want to live, just hurts to feel like it'll slip away. So yeah.. I just can't if it does. Like the only light. The only sunshine in my life. It's just hard.

    And yeah. Thank you for answering, Frances.
    And sorry if I don't make much sense atm. But just felt like I needed to give an answer at least.
     
    Frances M likes this.
  19. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I know it's hard, and that you can't see beyond this moment, but really...you are so young Dikta and you will meet someone else if this doesn't work out, I know that doesn't help you right now and most people don't want to hear it, but it's so true. I'm not dismissing your heartache at all, I've felt it, it's devastating. I'm not saying things are over between you and him, but it's really not all black and white. You don't have to make sense! I'm glad you responded. :)
     
  20. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    I know people say that and some mean it. But I can tell that it'll never happen for me. I just know that in my heart. It's difficult to explain how I know it, but it is so.

    But thank you anyway, for answering and for trying to help at least.
    There's still time, so I still hope it'll get better.

    So far I've somewhat given a hint to him about how it is for me and he doesn't want that to happen. But he also asked about his ultimatum. Although he asked first. So I hope it'll somewhat open his eyes. Otherwise I've got the comfort of knowing he'll read my journals I'll leave to him.
    Maybe he'll see it then again, instead of doubting.