nothing will change.

i have a good reason. nothing will change because i hurt too much. my life is about walking around crisis, and managing life that way.
this isn't a life. nobody cares. i do not have any friends. i don't really want them. i want to kill myself, or go down the slow suicide path. at least i will feel like i'm heading towards death. i will never know why i was treated the way i was. and why that person who claims he was acting morally when he was hurting me, did what he did. i will always be alone and have always been alone.

 

I feel your pain

yorkie xx

 

thanks. i'm feeling really cold about it all though. suppose the pain is underneath but when you attempt when you're in pain, it's less likely to work properly, it'd be full of vomit, frustration, nurses, the whole BS. when i'm feeling cold its better

 

I hear you. It's concerning you are cold about this. Could you maybe call the Crisis Team and talk to them?

I'm going to be such a clichee now, but you can't ever know 'nothing' will change. Ok, so you may never be pain free, but you might get to a place where your pain is less overwhelming, or you might get to a place where it feels manageable, or possible even so that the past doesn't cause you the hurt it currently does. Often when we think of changes we think of them in huge zero gravity moon steps, but really, all it takes is baby steps forward. Each baby step makes some change of some sort, and when added together, it mounts up, and quickly.

I know how unbearable it can feel though and how hopeless it can feel. All it takes is baby steps though. Just teeny, weeny shufflings along. I have faith in you, even if you have no faith in yourself.

 

i've got to the point where i'm very well, i'm managing my pain. but i don't want to carry on. there are some days, i love being alive. i do love being alive. but i want to die because i don't think life will ever get better than this. it took baby steps to get where i am now. and i don't want to be alive. i know what you're saying. the crisis team is going to, most probably, bring up feelings that need sedation again. i don't want to go there anymore. i don't want to be agitated screaming and yelling and panicky anymore. i'm not like tha tnow. it'sunderneath.

 

Is there anything that you could think may change to allow you to want to live?

 

no, the wounds run far too deep, and there are so many.

 

:hug:

You know whereabouts I stand with 'stuff', and that I don't want to live, however, I have found that having a purpose has kept me here. Maybe finding a purpose might help drive you to stick around. I think the fact you can feel pleasure and love being alive at times is hugely important and something to think about and focus on as much as possible.

I also wonder, if after fighting so long, and so long and coming so far, is it really worth throwing all that away? Does it not just let the people who caused you that pain, win?

I'm sorry, I feel like I'm being completely useless, especially after you helped me so much. I can't get my brain in gear to say anything of any use, so I'm sorry if ?I've upset or offended you or anything like that.

 

you will never upset me. what you said is exactly why i'm alive. i've worked so so hard to get to where i am now, but if this is life? i'm sure you know what i'm saying. i have purpose, i'm "excited to be alive".

but it's abuse, it's injuries, and it's how to cope with that pain. it's like having myself wrecked inside, the wreckage is beyond any description. .

thank you for talking to me, it means the world. you're far from useless.

 

Yeh, I know exactly what you're saying, and I'm finding it hard to say much, but this did spring to mind when I read that first bit. Life is a work in progress, constantly changing, constantly moulding and adjusting (in my head it looks like a lavalamp), which means that yes, you've been through horrific times, and yes, they currently hurt you in your current present, but will they always? There's no way of knowing. My hope is that you'll find the best therapist and start to heal those wounds so they no longer cause you pain, and then can live a life free from the pain of all you suffered.

Have you ever done DBT? Just, that middle bit sounded very much like something that was said when I did DBT, and how much it helped that person.

 

i doubt the people who've hurt me care whether i die or not.

 

Maybe, maybe not, but if they had any shred of a clue as to how much they have hurt you, then they may care, they may regret, they may feel sorry, guilty, or anything. They may not, but as people grow and change they can regret actions from the past.

 

no, i haven't done that.
finding a good therapist is so difficult. i don't have the energy. i've healed wounds. i've healed so much. but i think some things will never heal, and that is just knowing how i was treated by some people. knowing what i was to them. and knowing that i'm starving for love, and that i will never be loved or be in a loving relationship.

thank you for talking to me, you're an angel and you really don't have to. :hug:

 

i tried to talk to those people and all i got was denial. some people took a little responsibility, that's it. i had some people making up stories. it's weird the reactions i got.

 

People are strange. Those sound like defence mechanisms, and whilst they didn't show it to you, they may well have gone away and thought about it and gone 'oh shit' and really taken it on board. Shame you couldn't have been a fly on the wall when that happened.

I wonder if maybe looking into DBT might be worth a try. It doesn't heal the wounds, but it can hand you the tools for those pains to not be a burden. There are 4 core modules, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness and mindfulness. You mind find each of those areas has something of potential use in.

Can I ask, what is it that makes you will never be loved or be in a loving relationship?

 

no they drink instead . don't worry i've tried to talk for years...and i know.

DBT right now seems like on another planet or any kinda therapy.

i won't because nobody will love me because i hurt too much.

i'm sorry

 

Don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for at all.

I definitely hear that the battle for therapy feels too great, so maybe just bear it in mind if you do ever decide to go back into therapy again.

I personally think that people would see your pain, but they would also see the good qualities in you, because there are many. Someone can love you for the whole of you, pain and all. I know that feeling can be scary though and its easier to think no one would ever love us.

 

loads of people have "loved me" but they've hurt me terribly in the name of love.
i don't want that anymore, i don't believe there's anything like good love out there

thank you.

 

:hug:

I definitely hear why you don't want to be loved. Its far safer without love.

 

yes. it is. you know what i'm talking about. thanks so much. :smile: that made me smile at least...