Continued from my last journal entry:
Who am i kidding, nothing is ever gonna change this life. nothing will make it easier. pain isnt just a thing of the mind its part of the soul and once its there, once pain has shattered your thoughts, your hopes and dreams...theres no turning back, no way to fix it. Ive known it all along I just couldnt admit it..now i have no choice but to. Choice and hope are funny things, for people like me there isnt such a thing. stupid hope, stupid life. wish id never been born. mom never would have had to deal with my birth and dads death, she would have been able to take care of herself without me and I wouldnt be this way. I wouldnt feel this pain deep in my soul, wouldnt dream about her and her death over and over. wouldnt hate the world and almost everything in it...wouldnt hate me...wouldnt harm myself just to forget, to suppress every urge to cry, every memory. i look in the mirror and see her...i dunno what is worse looking like her, walking/talking like her or know that im letting her down...im not her daughter anymore...she doesnt come anymore...she doesnt even try...maybe its past me needing her but i always will, that will never change...forever scarred that is what I will always be...no matter what name i use or what kind of mask i wear ill always have this pain, always be shattered, always be scarred....
Who am i kidding, nothing is ever gonna change this life. nothing will make it easier. pain isnt just a thing of the mind its part of the soul and once its there, once pain has shattered your thoughts, your hopes and dreams...theres no turning back, no way to fix it. Ive known it all along I just couldnt admit it..now i have no choice but to. Choice and hope are funny things, for people like me there isnt such a thing. stupid hope, stupid life. wish id never been born. mom never would have had to deal with my birth and dads death, she would have been able to take care of herself without me and I wouldnt be this way. I wouldnt feel this pain deep in my soul, wouldnt dream about her and her death over and over. wouldnt hate the world and almost everything in it...wouldnt hate me...wouldnt harm myself just to forget, to suppress every urge to cry, every memory. i look in the mirror and see her...i dunno what is worse looking like her, walking/talking like her or know that im letting her down...im not her daughter anymore...she doesnt come anymore...she doesnt even try...maybe its past me needing her but i always will, that will never change...forever scarred that is what I will always be...no matter what name i use or what kind of mask i wear ill always have this pain, always be shattered, always be scarred....