I think the New Mexico thing will work out now, but I'm still suicidal now. I want to be gone from here, it's too horrible, everything is too horrible. So rough and dark, everyone and everything is so dark and I have nothing to hold on to. The NM thing? Things will be dark there too. People are dark. Society is dark. I don't belong in this world. I'm postponing everything and just sitting here and I can't do anything and I can't explain myself properly. It's dark out now and I don't know how I'll make it through the night. I don't see how I'll be able to calm down or be distracted this time, I don't see how this feeling in my head and my chest and stomach will go away. Can't explain myself.