Nothing

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Peppermint, Feb 12, 2008.

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  1. Peppermint

    Peppermint Member

    I tried. 2.5 weeks ago. I overdosed on sleeping pills plus took a bunch of other stuff. And unfortunately I'm still here. All it was was three days of continuous sleep and I was as well afterwards as ever, physically anyway. But the thing is... no one noticed. I still live with my parents and I was unconscious for 3 days straight, never left my room... and no one noticed. Proves I could just drop dead somewhere and there wouldn't be a single soul who cared. Well, at least no one can call my actions selfish if nobody gives a crap. So I just gotta try again and hope I succeed.
     
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    What is making you feel like this? WIth pills the damage causded by taking them is usally after. Yeh you will sleep a while but when you are awake are when the problems start. They will damage your liver and your kidneys.
     
  3. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    If you genuinely tried and did not succeed, maybe you have giving yourself a second chance to find some happiness.
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I'm glad you didn't succeed. Maybe instead of trying again you can reach out for a little help... everybody needs some help sometimes. Is there anyone you can talk to?

    Catherine
     
  5. Peppermint

    Peppermint Member

    I seriously don't care about my liver or kidneys. Heck, death involves the damage of brain and all organs, depending on the method. And if my only way is to take Tylenol and have it wipe out my liver then I'll take that. There's no point trying to scare by telling me things about organ failures.

    I reached out for help 2 years ago, but see, the depression is back and worse than ever. Why should I want to put myself through this hell again even if this episode fades away one day? There's no one and nothing that would make me want to stay in this world any longer.
     
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Even if there's noone else to make you stay, there's still the gifts that are unique to you, that only you can share with the world if you stick around. Your writing, maybe, or the compassion that you will extend to somebody else when they most need it, I don't know....

    Depression comes and goes, I've fought it many times, sometimes alone and sometimes with help. I'm smart, but in the middle of a depression I can't come up with the answers, I can't even imagine why I'd want answers. All I want is for the pain to end. With help I start to see that there are choices for me in addition to suicide, that's all. I think suicide will always stay as an option in the back of my brain, but I'll try the other stuff, too

    Hoping you stick around a bit longer,

    C
     
  7. kimailis

    kimailis Active Member

    dear human.
    can you please tell me what made your decision to commit a suicide? why? i want to look at some of your problems, there is no problem that cant be solved.
     
  8. Peppermint

    Peppermint Member

    I've thought about this long and hard so I know what I'm doing. There's nothing I can share with the world, not even compassion or caring cause I've never been on the receiving end and so I don't even know how to be there for others. There is nothing left for me and I don't want to live in a world where every day is nothing but a struggle for survival, a struggle against the pain, even if I'm currently not depressed. I've set the date now. Everyone has to go at some point, some just go sooner than others.
     
  9. kimailis

    kimailis Active Member

    if everyone must go some day it must happen naturally, suicide isnt natural.
    did you search for love? did you try to love yourself?
    you receive love in this forum, so you must know how it is.
    dont you feel that people in the forum love you? or you just dont accept it.
     
  10. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    Pep, take it as a positive sign that you survived your first attempt! Things DO happen for a reason and you still being here is no accident. I know the pain you feel - I have felt it and I have seen others struggle through it. No, I have never tried to die. But I have been there, I have been an inch away, but I have always been able to talk myself back and that is what you have to do. You gotta love yourself first and foremost. You are the most important thing to you...
     
  11. Peppermint

    Peppermint Member

    I'd say at this point the thing I care about least is me...
     
  12. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    But why Pep? You have a heart, and you have a soul. And while they may be battered and bruised it is not a reason to walk away from them. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it can small steps to get there. But every step is worth it...
     
  13. Peppermint

    Peppermint Member

    After ending up right where I started from - or rather, worse off than in the beginning - I don't think feeling fine or even a bit happy between the episodes of excruciating depression is worth it.
     
  14. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    You don't have to end up there, you can climb out of this.

    I have never felt so alone as the day my mother took her own life. I had no one, I had nothing. My father had taken his life 3 years earlier. I am an only child - I truly had nothing. After my father died my mother and i made a pact to stick together, to help each other through - and she bailed on me too. She drug me through the hell she was living first.

    I had no one as I stood by her ER bed as they pumped the meds from her stomach. Her first words were "You were not supposed to find me so soon." I was an 18 year old going home to an empty house - the sound of silence so deafening I couldn't stand it. I would scream just to break the silence...

    She hated me for finding her. My own mother hated me for saving her life. I pulled the knives from the drawer, I put the bullet in the chamber. I wanted to show her I could hate her too. I did hate her, and I still do to this very day, but even she was not worth my life.

    I still have dark days that no one understands, not even my wife. But little things bring me back, piece by piece, step by step. And I did it by myself, at the same age you are. Time does not heal all, and its bullshit to think it does. But it does heal a great deal of the hurt, it heals enough to make life bearable at first. And that is the first step. It's hard work to get there, thats no lie...but you can do it and it is worth it...
     
  15. Peppermint

    Peppermint Member

    Well, I guess you were close to your mom. I've never been close to anyone. Genetics don't make them love me or vice versa. The only message I've received from my family is that I'm worthless and should be dead. In fact, this Wednesday I was told to kill myself faster cause someone as miserable and useless shouldn't live. They don't know a thing about what's going but that really hit the darget. Just knowing that even if I got better this is what I'd have to return to after climbing out of my hole... it's quite an incentive in itself.
     
  16. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    My mom and I had been close but she gave up on me. She hated me for finding her before she could finish. She hated me so much she slept with my best friend... Not only did I lose my mother, I lost my best friend as well. She was perfectly happy to drag me in to her dark, tormenting world.

    But I wouldn't let her, and you can't let your family. If they don't want to help then fuck them Pep. Do it for yourself, do it for you - because you do matter. Fight for yourself, dont fight them. They are not worth the energy if that is how they truly feel. Use that energy for you, take solace in the fact you can do it and you can do it in spite of them.

    I know you are on a lonely road. I know it hurts, I know it sucks. Even if no one else is there for you, I am here... :smile:
     
  17. Peppermint

    Peppermint Member

    But that's the thing, I cannot do this. I don't even want to anymore. A month ago I just wanted the pain to stop... now I actually want to die.

    Sometimes I find myself thinking "what if I tried?"... but then I remember all the crap in life and everything that needs to be fixed and I know it's just not worth it. I know because I've tried before and didn't succeed. And I don't want to be back here in a couple of years.

    I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow, but I'm not trying to fix things. I know in my heart that even if I go and tell him everything, as openly and truthfully as I can I still don't believe that would make a difference. The only reason I'm really going is to gather some more meds for my end on Wednesday.

    I'm just plain tired. Tired of this life, tired of trying to be happy and live the way I want to, tired of this depression and the pain. I don't believe it'll ever be fine, I've given up on hope... I've given up on everything. I guess it's the natural selection of 21st century because me and my "life" aren't anything but nature's screw-ups.
     
  18. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    Pep, how did the psychiatrist visit go?
     
  19. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Wow, that seems a lot worse than what I went through. I was unconscious for about five hours. I remember vaguely what happened which is good. I had this kind of strange feeling when I woke up after having not succeeded.
    You really do have a lot to live for, it just takes some working through things.
    I imagine people would care...it's a scary thing for people and it is your life.
    I hope you don't go through with it. You deserve better.
    Please try and find someone who is qualified to talk to.
     
  20. Peppermint

    Peppermint Member

    It went just the way I thought it would. I barely said anything and she asked me to fill out this questionnaire and then she put me on four kinds of meds. I haven't taken them yet. She asked me how I felt about being admitted to the hospital, but I don't know. I have another appointment tomorrow. I guess I need to make a decision by then, either agree to be admitted or take the pills (and not one at a time).
     
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