nothingness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LitasDemise, Sep 8, 2006.

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  1. LitasDemise

    LitasDemise New Member

    Hi everyone.
    I have not talked to anyone at all about this, and isn't it just like me to spill my guts to people i don't know.
    But maybe i can help you, maybe you can help me.
    I am totally in love with my husband. We have been married for 17 years.
    And we both turned 40 this year. We have never had much, i worked on and off, but mainly kept the house nice and took care of the family.
    Now, our sons, they have moved on, airforce, college, that stuff.
    Meanwhile my husband got a job offer in his company that would give him a nice raise. We were happy, it meant we could afford to go do some traveling during vacations and stuff.
    He had to go to Sasebo Japan to work on a Navy ship. He was supposed to be back on my B.day. My 40th. But he called and told me he won't be back for three more weeks. We had never been apart like that, so it was terribly hard. And i cried on the phone. He got a little upset and told me to "Get a life." ...He is my life. But i guess he didn't know that.
    It hurt so bad. I decided it wasn't healthy wandering around the house crying and my appitite was non-exsistant. So i went to the VFW, where i never wanted to go before because of smoke and stuff. But i went. I talked to some ladies at the bar, had a beer. They asked where my husband was, i told them, and then a couple ladies had been there and said i had better hope my husband stays out of the bars in sailor town and places like that, the women will be all over him and ect...
    A new feeling of helplessness and hoplessness hit me. I went home and drank a pint of rum (and i am not a heavy drinker), i wanted to dull the pain, but it didn't go away.
    When hubby called I told him part of what i heard and he said the women aren't that bad, ...as talks went on i found out he went there a lot.
    I felt like dying the whole time he was gone. And when he got back i was sooo happy.
    But, i can't get the thoughts out of my head, he brought home a picture of him and a lady from the bar. He bought her something for her birthday! He didn't buy me anything. I found a recipt for fresh flowers bought in sasebo.
    He denied it was his.
    He keeps telling me i am his forever. He tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he wants to see our grandchildren.
    But..our sons, are his stepsons, and he accidently made the comment that a bar girl in Sasebo said I am lucky to have him, and she wants to have his baby.
    He wants me to move to Japan with him. I finally said no.
    He still works for the company and i am afraid they will send him back to Sasebo. I can't handle the feelings i have. I am walking around with a sick gut feeling that won't go away. I have no real friends here, no-one i could ever tell this to. i am totally, completely alone with-out my husband and it's the price i pay...him being my best friend, and my husband.
    Because i am nothing now. I turned 40, and my kids moved on and my husband has a new happy fun life and i am absolutly nothing.
     
  2. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    Now is the perfect time in your life to be something. You have all the time in the world to go back to school, get a job you enjoy or even travel without your husband. You can start exploring your interests now that you have this extra time. Is there something you've always wanted to do or learn? While I'm sure this chapter of your life is new and scary it also has the potential to be one of the best times in your life.

    As for your marital problems I can't say one way or another if anything happened or if you should trust your husband. You know him best. You do however need to have your own life as well. I've always thought it was terrible when people totally invest themselves in their spouse. You are more than a mother and a wife, you are YOU full of your own needs and desires. You have your own interests. When you get comfortable enough and you start exploring all the things you always wanted to, you are going to realize that you are so much more than you ever imagined.

    It's time to spread your wings and fly.


    J.
     
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