Nothing's Left.....(kinda long)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Persistence Of Loss, Aug 12, 2007.

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  1. Perhaps I should start at the beginning.....I would, but to tell you all the truth, I don't even know where it all began.

    When I was 8 years old, I was diagnosed with an Astrocytoma. After surgery to remove it, I found that the right side of my body was almost useless. I was almost unable to walk, my right arm was and still is almost useless. I have no peripheral vision out of my right eye, and my hearing out of my right ear is impaired. I have regained the ability to walk, and was even on the track team in high school.

    In elementary school, I was teased to no end about my disabilities, and this turned me into an introvert. Soon, I was afraid of people. I blocked everyone out of my life, so that I couldn't get hurt anymore. In middle school the teasing slowed down, and in high school it almost completely stopped. I was still on guard 24/7 though, not letting anyone into my head or my life, because I was 99% sure that if I let them in, they would just end up hurting me.

    I am still like this actually, except there are a very small group of people who I would consider friends. But, I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let's go back....

    For as long as I can remember, I have been a pathological liar. I don't know exactly why, but it is just some sort of compulsion I have. I think it has something to do with making myself seem more interesting than I actually am. I recently began to try as hard as possible to stop lying altogether, and for the most part, it is working.

    There are still scars though. Broken promises, destroyed relationships, unforgettable regrets, etc.

    I also make very self-destructive decisions. For example, I was HEAVY into drugs a while back, and it destroyed many relationships and brain cells. My weapon of choice was meth-amphetamine. Another example....I have had two of the greatest women in the world. The only ones who would put up with my bullshit. What did I do? I pushed them away from me.

    The first one, we were engaged. She was everything to me. She was gorgeous, understanding, loving, caring, and a genuinely good person to boot. Instead of telling her that I needed space and time to think about things, I pushed her away. Now, a few years later, I did the same thing only 2 months after marriage. By the time I came to my senses, things were already too damaged to be repaired. Time, words, and my stupid actions once again took happiness away from me.

    Now, I might as well be homeless. I'm living with a friend of mine, and I pretend to love her just to stay here. This hurts so bad. I seriously can't see the light of another day. I already made an attempt, but failed. I don't know what to do with myself.

    The one thing I could do is to just stick it out for a little while longer, save money, and then move back to my hometown. I have a friend there who I just talked to earlier today and he said I could live with him. I just don't know. I feel dead inside already.
  2. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member


    Firstly, thanks for posting, because it may not have been easy to do so. I hope this site can be of some help to you. I could try and give you some advice, but might end up making things worse, but have you spoken to a professional about everything that's happened? Hang in there mate :hug:
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