November 16,2008

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by White Dove, Nov 20, 2008.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    on this November 16, 2008. it was exactly one year ago that someone decided to burn my trailer down. i lost a lot of stuff that time. I lost things that can not ever be replaced. Things that were given to me by my mom who had passed away when i was 15 years old. A organ that was my grandmas. photos of my mom. it can never be replaced.

    Did the police every catch him? No! They never caught him and it has been one long year waiting on them to catch this arsonist. they did nothing. they never got him and i know they knew who done it but they just let him go.

    This whole year and time and time again i have tried to forgive that arsonist but i cant bring myself to do it. He took so much from me. Time and time again i have tried to forgive those who hurt me by not believing that my home had burnt. but it still hurts today. Why cant i forget and forgive? Why does it still hurt me? perhaps it was because justice was never done? perhjaps it was because i was already hurting so deeply in my heart that it has not even begain to touch the surface yet? i just dont know.

    this cancer is getting to be more painful than i ever thought it would ever be. the pain is so severe at times that i almost choke up. it is like my whole body is shutting down on me and then all i want to do is end this pain, is end everything that causes me this pain. i cant even get to the computer at times to even get online anymore and i fear that because i was unable to even post hear what message may be posted under me or about me, i have been told i was a liar, a abuser, a stupid idiot, a dummy, a scammer and heaven only knows what else so many times that i do not think it even effects me anymore. it is just like words going in one ear and out the other yet deep inside my heart is acheing heavliy. there is no justice for me. there is no peace for me.

    many times i have sought the peace and it has eluded me that much more. i just was able to get online and tried visiting a forum but i have found out when i tried logging in that my username does not exsist. i do not exsist anymore. i cant be online 24 hours a day, nor can i be online with the many doctor appointments that i endure. so i dont exsist anymore.

    i was riding in a van last night and seen my used to be minister B.B. pulling in next door to visit my neighbor, he went to my neighbor but not to see me. i dont exsist in his eyes nor in anyone elses. i have truly been abandoned by those around me who are suppose to love me. i want to see this christmas this year but i do not think my body will allow me to do that. when i feel abandoned by others i like to look at these verses.

    Therefore, since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have obtained access to this grace in which we stand; and we boast in our hope of sharing the glory of God. And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.
    -Romans 5:1-5 (NRSV)

    I have learned much through studying God's word and meditating on God's promises. But I also learn by the way I see God working through the experiences of my life. For instance, after a long series of tests and illnesses, I learned that our walk with Jesus Christ goes through valleys of loneliness and suffering, shadows and light, that lead us to green pastures where our God feeds us.

    When I have felt abandoned, God's word has said to me: "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9). After reading that, I felt new strength. At dawn one day, when deep pain was keeping me awake, I felt Jesus' consolation and peace. After that, I was able to fall asleep.

    Through trust in God's promises, which are reinforced by my own experiences, I have learned to wait patiently for God's answers to my concerns. Even when the storm surrounds me and my ship looks like it is about to sink, I can be patient because I know that Christ's light will lead me safely to a peaceful harbor.

    Now if only i could find the peace to see justice for what had happened and to see the arsonist in jail. As i wait for that day for a whole long one year i do not see any justice anymore. Will God allow me to see the person who burnt my trailer down one year ago get his day in court? will God allow me this last christmas here? Will i get to see new years day? that is up to God and only him.

    Those that i love and hold dearly inside my heart ( D.D. E.D. B.B. E.B ) will forever be held close to me. My only wish is that i could at least see them or here from them before my time ends.

    This is a big uncertain and probably will never happen. But it does not mean that i can not pray for it to!

    White Dove
  2. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    (Isaiah 54:10) For the mountains shall depart And the hills be removed, But My kindness shall not depart from you, Nor shall My covenant of peace be removed,"

    :hug: you will find peace. forgiving others is hard, this is just a speculation, but, maybe since you do not know who to be mad at or who to forgive it is harder. maybe your anger and resentment at this arson is fueled by the cant change the past, but you can have an affect on your future. i have no doubt in my mind that you can forgive this takes a lot of strength to forgive someone for doing what they did to you...take the energy you are putting into your anger into your forgiveness...i know, its easier said than done. :hug: i have faith in you, and god is watching over you...through him all things are possible.
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    got any verses on how i can forgive?

    i am pretty sure of who done it. Cause the guy is bragging about doing it and getting away with it. And the police just let him. I guess it is more of them not having enough physical and circumstancial evidence to convict him.

    i just wish it would not hurt so much.

    it is like i am alone. i am abandoned by everyone and everything. bible states that we should love one another especially those of like faith but those of the same faith as me dont care or love me. i am suffering physically and emotionally. and i have no one.
  4. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    from what i know, mostly the bible says that you have to forgive in order to be forgiven...over and over again. it says that in order to be forgiven yourself you must forgive others. i believe its one of the biggest things christians struggle with other than questioning god...

    (Mat 6:14-15) "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But, if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

    (Mark 2:7-11) "Why does this man use such words?" they said; "He is blaspheming. Who can pardon sins but One--that is, God?"... Jesus asked them, "Which is easier?--to say to this paralytic, 'Your sins are pardoned,' or to say, 'Rise, take up your mat, and walk?' But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to pardon sins"--He turned to the paralytic, and said, "To you I say, 'Rise, take up your mat and go home.'"

    (Mat 5:44-45) "But what I tell you is this: love your enemies and pray for your persecutors; only so can you be like children of your heavenly Father, who makes his sun rise on good and bad alike, and sends the rain on the honest and the dishonest. If you love only those who love you, what reward can you expect? Surely the tax-gatherers do as much as that. And if you greet only your brothers, what is there extraordinary about that? Even the heathen do as much. There must be no limit to your goodness, as your heavenly Father's goodness knows no bounds."

    do you go to church? maybe you could associate yourself with people from a church, and feel less lonely.
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i used to go to go to church. but this cancer and pain has got me tied down to the bed most the time now. i hardly get to get out anymore much. thats why i posted in my thread today that the minister had not even thought enough about me to even stop by to see how i am doing. i guess they think nothing about me. I really did not exsist anyhow. its like i am a nothing. its like my life is nothing. I cant get to go to church and in their eyes i guess i am no good and a sinner cause i cant physically get to a church house.

    When i was able to go to church i was there every chance i got, now though i cant get there anymore. I guess the ministers that have known me dont think about me or care enough to care. Why should they? they have all the other people who can come by and give them money so why should they bother with me who cant even get out of the house anymore?

    Sometimes i wish they would at least call? just a phone call from them or even a letter would really mean a lot to me. but wishing for that is like wishing for a miracle to happen that will never ever happen. So i stay in bed and read my bible. It is hurting me just to write and type on this computer right now but i am managing to do just that.

    my one and only wish this year for christmas would be to at least see christmas morning, maybe a full snow covered christmas would be good. maybe a phone call from D.D. AND HIS WIFE E.D.? but that will never happen. it will never happen cause i am a nobody to anyone anymore. i may lay down tonight and never wake up, any day now that can happen any day now. those that say they love me have no idea just how close my time is. they think i will be here day after day but this cancer has consumed me and it will take me into heaven. the only pain i feel is not getting to say goodbye or to tell them how much i loved them.
  6. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    does your church have a prayer list? or a prayer circle...its called different things...but maybe you could give them a ring and ask them to pray for you, or call and ask your minister to come see you.
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    last i knew they had a prayer list. But i am not going to ask the minister to come see me. He knows where i live. he knows i have cancer. i told him but he is too preoccupied by other things. I doubt if he had even listened to me when i told him? I had called him one time and had left a message on his answering machine, he called me back after 3 days and said he had seen where i had called yet he did not even know what i had called for. It is like when i call he just does not listen or something? I am not one to ask for anything anymore. If they can not see or know that i am not there then i am not about to make them come see me. If they know i am not there then i guess i was a nobody anyhow to them. it does not matter rather i may be on a prayer list or not. i dont seek attention. The Lord knows my needs. The Lord knows i am alone and he knows i have been abandoned. Perhaps it may be his way of waking them up? Perhaps when he takes me away it might wake them up?
  8. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    i doubt the lord wants you to be alone. its not asking for anything, it's what they should do as christians.
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