November is a bad month for me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rookie, Nov 9, 2015.

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  1. Rookie

    Rookie Active Member

    Hey everyone,

    I hope that you are all well and that you are staying safe.

    Sorry but this one is a bit of a downer but I needed to tell someone. No-one would listen so hey, may aswell tell the world via the internet, behind a faceless avatar!

    This happens every year and I always know that it is coming. To say that november is a bad month for me would be an understatement but horrific just seems like hyperbole.

    Many of the worst events of my life happened in the month of November. As each year passes I dread this month as everything floods back, the spiral descends and the darkness consumes me.

    I lost my grandad to cancer 5 years ago, my best friend died in a house fire before my eyes when I was 8 and the last time I saw my dad was November 2002. It is the month of my brithday, yet it is not a month that I can physically celebrate in and the people in my job want to do something special for my birthday. It's terribly nice and all, but I just do not want it. The questions I have had about why I don't celebrate my birthday border on psychological tortue.

    I have been self harming, drinking far too much and thinking alot of suicide. I know that the month will pass and that I will survive.

    Just needed someone, anyone to hear me. It is like I am screaming and no sounds come out.

    Stay safe, stay strong and know we are all brothers and sisters in mentaal illness :)
    3 people like this.
  2. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    We all hear you Rookie, and we're here for you. I would offer to pm you myself but I'm afraid I'm in a particularly bad place right and am having trouble functioning, however I'm sure there are plenty of people here who would pm you. I'm glad to hear that your optimistic and know that this will pass. Please keep reaching out for help here:)
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    Falltime in general is really hard for me too for the same reasons. Many bad episodes in my life have occured at fall and I always get more depressed. Can't offer any help myself either but you're not alone with your feelings.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I hear you. I'm sorry these thoughts consume you every November that cannot be easy. Just wanted you to know I read your post and to say we are here for you, we might not be able to change anything that's happened but we're here for you throughout the month. Take good care of yourself.
  5. Hopefully

    Hopefully New Member

    Congratulations! You have made it into December now and you have done really well trying to keep track over this bad time.

    I am not surprised you feel awful every year in November, anyone would in your circumstance. I hate November also and noticed your post through Google. I joined this forum so I could reply. I am a glass half-empty person and suffer panic attacks and anxiety but sometimes find strength in just turning my mind off and staying busy by exercising, doing the dishes and simple things. I try to give myself some love when I achieve something small even something like scrubbing the refrigerator or recycling old clothes. I am 50 now and have come to the understanding that the only good friend I will have in life is me. And I am choosing to be OK with this. And I am trying to give myself some care and respect and be the driver of my life and not the passenger.

    Perhaps as a challenge you could get rid of any self harming things you have and tell yourself that you have had enough. Instead of focussing on November focus on December. Be someone who loves December instead, focus on the positive and look forward to that over your bad month. Celebrate your birthday on December 1st every year. Tell your peers that you like celebrating then - it is your day you don't need to justify your personal choices.

    Keep going and keep challenging yourself and finding the fire within to keep going. Spend time with people who are kind! Be proud! Keep going!
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  6. partylpoison

    partylpoison Active Member

    Rookie, I admire you actually. Try to think of it. How many Novembers have you overcome, since the very first reason happened that made you hate this month? And to add some shits may have happened on some other months, you were able to bear them all.

    This year is my battle year. It’s like I’d been under the storm for the whole year. Worst things happened, one after the other. And each of them made me consider suicide as a way to get things out of the way. I did try to overdose myself with pain killers. I did cut. Cuts which I make sure were deep enough so I can feel something because I’d been numb with all the pain. Life hit me at a point of time, and hit me again when I was just about to stand. Worst is it seems like I even been kicked when I’m down. And you know what I came to realized? It doesn’t matter how hard you get hurt. What’s important is how much you’ve been hurt and still you can keep bouncing back. You made it up to now and I surely believe you can for tomorrow, kudos for you dear.
    4 people like this.
  7. Hopefully

    Hopefully New Member

    We are lucky we have the internet because we are not as alone as it often seems. It is the cruelty of life which is so overwhelming sometimes. As you say it is often one bad thing, then another and then another. Even if the logical part of your brain wants to stay on top of your life your body produces lots of fear and anxiety chemicals which make it very difficult.

    As well as November I struggle a lot with mornings.

    I am going to show my age and possible bad taste in this, but when partylpoison mentioned 'battle year' I had this image of Rocky in my head running around Philadelphia training and punching the air and all that. I am going to develop an inner Rocky this week and try to nurture a fighting attitude in myself. The idea is that when life punches me hard I get up and punch it back instead of lying down. I think righteous anger may be a better experience than constant despair which for me attracts more bad luck.

    Easier to say than to do though let's face it but I am going to try it.
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