NOW I Feel Worse

[DLBach]

I wasn't feeling suicidal today. My expiration date is currently set for June 6th. I was laying here with my head spinning watching Young & The Restless and my doorbell rung. There was a police car outside and I opened the door to a police officer. In a soft voice (even though I have the international symbol of hearing impaired on the door) he asked, "Are you Miss_____". I affirmed and he went on to ask if I called and left a message for someone saying I was going to hurt myself today. I just gave him a cockeyed look. He went on to explain that that person called the police to come and check on me and therefore, this person cares about me.

Apparently I am a fool. I have made no calls today, my ears are hurting more and I can't wear my headset, therefore, no calls. Yesterday, I left a message for my specialist asking if there is a new cure or a treatment to call me and if not I would no longer require the doctor's services as I would be expiring on June 6th. The other call I made was to my psychologist who wanted to know why I cancelled all my remaining appointments. I advised I would be expiring on June 6th and therefore no longer needed his services. I never said I was going to hurt myself today.

A second officer showed up and the two of them decided to compare me and my chronic illness to their father and wife who have chronic illnesses. One whose wife has a chronic illness decided to blame me for the way I am feeling and both insisted that they care about me when in actuality they were just earning their pay.

I accidentally found this forum and decided to give it the next two week and try to figure things out. I know I will probably be banned after posting this but I don't know where else to turn. All other options cost money I don't have. I feel humiliated and not listened to. I am sorry for being such a downer.

 

[tweetypie]

im sorry its so bad for you. That must have been a shock for them to turn up like that. Your doctor probably assumed that you had an immediate plan and most likely rang them. I dont know what condition you have besides depression and i can see from the doctor / psycologyst that you have tried treatment but dont give up. There are loads of different antidepressants and anti anxiety meds i know they arent a cure or a quick fix but if theres a chance you could find something suitable isnt it worth a try. Forgive me if im talking out of term as i have no idea how old you are or how much treatment you have tried or your general situation. Big hugs to you. If you need someone to talk to my pm box is always open. xx

 

[dazzle11215]

you won't be banned for talking about suicide here, that's why we're here. the only rule is no encouraging others, and no discussing methods. otherwise it's pretty open.

what chronic illness do you have, if you don't mind me asking

i'm glad your psychologist is concerned about you. i'd probably have done the same thing, called or sent someone round to check up on you. june 6th is very close. i hope we can say something to change your mind between now and then

 

[Julia-C]

You won't be banned for this. lol

About the cops: If a person has never been in your shoes they will say ignorant things because they don't understand the issue. Ignorance and being paid doesn't mean they don't care.

I can't say too much along the topic of your letter because I am fairly ignorant of what you are going through emotionally. I have only came close to suicide once and it was back in 1991 and the reasons were likely very different. When I mean close to suicide I mean (projectile device) in hand, loaded, chambered, against my head, and safety off. I could even feel a peace come over me just as my finger began to squeeze the trig.... Suddenly that's when my grandmother showed up and saved me from myself. So in an effort to not sound anymore ignorant, I use to understand what you are going through. All I can tell you is to not give up. :hug: I will be thinking about you. Take kind care of yourself.

 

[DLBach]

what chronic illness do you have, if you don't mind me asking

I have Meniere's Disease. First presented as unilateral in November 2004, diagnosed September 2005 and became bilateral June 2006. I am going through this on my own as everyone pretty much took off when I could no longer do the things I used to and they didn't want to be bothered with my limitations.

Y'all are being very kind. Thank you.

 

[starryeyed]

Thats the thing about illnesses,people dont want to know.
It can be very hard to cope.sometimes your disease can clear up though.i hope it does for you

 

[dazzle11215]

i had to go to wikipedia to look it up, sorry, it's not a disease i'm familiar with.
you have clearly been through a lot. it does say that sometimes the disease "burns out" at it's later stages. perhaps you are there? i don't know.
i'm sorry your friends deserted you. is there an online community for other people struggling with the disease?
there are also the friends you are about to make here. we're a very friendly bunch.
i hope you stick around and get to know us.

 

[DLBach]

I have been educating folks about Meniere's Disease from the beginning it seems and this includes medical professionals. This is odd when over 600,000 people in the US have it, 1 in every 1,000 people in Australia have it and 15 adults in every 10,000 in the UK have it. Many famous people back to and including Martin Luther have been invaded by this dragon. Following my failed surgery in 2006 my doctors suggested I write a book about it since there isn't a lot known about it in the hopes it would help me cope with having it. One of the worst things about it (aside from the obvious) is that every person with it is different. The triggers, symptoms and treatments are all different. One may have their vertigo lasting a few minutes and just lay down and feel better and go on. Others have their vertigo last more than five days. Some will have one bout and not have another for over 15 years. Others have bouts weekly and daily. For some women with hormonal triggers it gets better after menopause, for others it is worse.

This concludes the educational portion of this posting. Please feel free to ask any questions to have the understanding you are seeking. (sorry bad attempt at humor this morning)

It is difficult having a chronic illness and being close to someone with a chronic illness. It is even more difficult having a chronic illness when you have no one there to help you and offer emotional support. This is where I am. I am trying and I hope being here helps.

 

[doityourself]

Hi Debbie, Welcome to SF.

I agree with others, Ive not heard anything about this type of disease, which must make it so aggravating for you, having to explain it and go over it over and over it. Im sorry that its been so hard and trying for you.

I dont have much to add, just wanted to let you know that I read your post and hope that this site brings you some ideas and suggestions that you havent tried before.

Hugs

 

[icequeen]

first of all welcome, and sorry that you feel so abandoned, but some people are so fickle and just dont know how to cope or help or just plain dont understand.

the fact that the police turned up shows that someone cares, so hold on to that, and you will find many that care here.

i can so relate to the Meniere's, had to struggle with this and being a carer...were days i had to go round on hands and knees as i couldnt stand...nausea all day and if i lay down was like being on a boat in heavy seas...tinnitus it was unrelenting for a few years but now thankfully its so much better and only get very minor symptoms so count myself lucky. dont give up hoping it will improve..no idea what caused mine and it "cleared" as mysteriously as it started.

this condition enough can give you depression and it certainly wont help as it can be so debilitating but like me, one day you will get up and it will be so much better or not gone.

have you explained to your therapist how much the menieres affects your life...maybe even try something like acupuncture.

wish i could offer you more, but all i can give you for the menieres is hope.

:hug:

 

[Petal]

Hi and welcome to the forums, sorry things seem so difficult right now, I just wanted to let you know I've read your post twice and that I care about what happens to you. You won't be banned from the forum for being suicidal, that's what this forum is here for :hug:

 

[DLBach]

My apologies for not replying here for so long, but I was admitted to the hospital last Wednesday and just discharged yesterday. I am feeling better as far as the consideration of ending my life is concerned. Even though the Meniere's is still there and always will be, I actually began (with the help of the other patients) feeling more like myself before I got sick. I actually laughed more and harder than I have in I don't know how long. I wrote a poem Saturday night called "I Laughed Today". As soon as I get everything sorted I will type it up and post it in the poetry forum.

I thank all y'all for your good thoughts through this. I know I have a long way to go and don't plan on leaving here any time soon.

 

[DLBach]

All y'all are wonderful. I spent a week in the hospital and it helped just interacting with everyone. I am now taking it one staggering step at a time. While in the hospital some of the other patients got me to laughing and I almost felt like I did before I got sick. I wrote a poem that night called I Laughed Today. I have it posted in the poetry section of the forum.

My psychologist asked me today if I will get the suicidal thoughts again with the next bout of vertigo or the next drop attack. I had to tell him I didn't know and I am just taking it one step at a time. I will be here for support through this.