Now I'm buggered

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Scum, Feb 25, 2009.

  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I carry tools with me wherever I go. I have a problem with dissociating and self harm and the tools ground me and prevent me from dissociating. In three and a half years of carrying them I have never used them. However, they are a safety net, and in the past I have found that if I don't have a tool with me then I dissociate easier and often do a lot of damage to myself.

    The Day Hospital I go to have effectively told me I can't carry my tools anymore. My psych says what I say is very logical and makes sense to him, but it's the whole patient having a tool on them, and people panic about that. I'm buggered, basically. It's so hard and I struggle anyway, but this is so likely to make me dissociate and flip out. I only know one other way to prevent a dissociation, and it's counter productive.

    I've been panicking about this since they told me and it's not going to ease, I don't think, until after I've been next week, or unless I can sort something out.

    This is a very detached post, because if I write it with the emotions I feel I will just lose it.

    I'm very scared.
  2. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    can your psych not mediate for you to the day hospital to explain your situation and say that it will be safer for you to have your tools on you. surely the last thing the day hospital will want is for you to get worse
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    He won't unfortunately. So I have to find my own way through this.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I was going to call and talk to somoene about it today, nbut I dodn't want to be a bother, so I didn't. As far as I see it my options are

    ~Lie and carry it anyway
    ~Leave it in the car and risk dissociating, panicking and flipping out
    ~Take it and give it to one of the people I see, to look after whilke I'm there
    ~Use it before I go in to minimalise the risk of dissociation
    ~Take something else instead

    I don't want to be in this place. I can't believe they have done this to me in the midst of crisis AND they expect me to cope with it.
  5. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    I used to carry tools round with me, I also wore a boiler suit even when I wasn't working....they made me feel safe....I've never really thought of why Idid those things until now.
  6. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    maybe calling and talking to someone would help. you wouldnt be a bother because they are there to help you and if you dont ask for the help you wont get it. there has to be some kind of common ground that you and the day hospital can come to and however hard it is i think talking to them is the only way to do it
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I do the same thing. They are always with me. But when I go to places that I know I cant have them, and it's going to sound silly, I carry just the alcohol wipes and bandages with me. It gives me a sense of security in knowing that if I really really needed to I could find another "tool" and still do what I need to do. I have yet had to find another tool and it's been years of doing this. Hoping that someday I wont need the wipes either. Stupid I know but just a suggestion. Sort of like weaning yourself off of anything else. Just dont try to do it cold turkey. Crossing my fingers for you!!!
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Those are great ideas.

    I can relate to your post, the whole psych ward just makes me flit in and out of my head like mad and I go crazy there.

    Maybe you could take something else instead? Maybe you could make a tool yourself- like a makeshift tool that would carry the same purpose as your other tools?
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies guys :)

    Today was my only window of opporunity to call until next Monday. None of the people that I see and know are there until then so I can't formulate a plan with them.

    the odd thing is, is that I'm allowed to keep my tablets with me, but not the tool. The tool is to basically keep me calm, and the tablets are to kill 'it' (the 'it' being whatever is inside me, and yes, I know that it would kill me too). I have pondered something else that I could take, and I know what it would be, but it's acually probvably far more dangerous than the tool, and if I were to say to them that I have it, then they would probably fresak even more about that than the tool, even though, in my eyes, its not an actual tool per se.

    I actually really like the idea of taking the stuff that I would use afterwards (dressings and stuff) because you're right, anything can be a weapon. I will do that, but I just know that it won't instill the same calm.

    To be honest, the only way round I can see, realistically (although probably not entirely rationally) is to just cause myself hefty harm beforehand so that I am essentially safe.

    This is doing my head in completely. I didn't need them to add more stress :( Don't get me wrong, from a detached point of view I can understand that a pateint with a tool is not good, but equally, from a personal point of view I know it keeps me safer.

    I feel backed into a corner completely.
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    If you did hefty harm to yourself before hand, would that guarantee that you'd dissociate less when you're in a day hospital? What if you did hefty harm to yourself and they find out, not only find out but find out the reasons? And they'd be responsible for why you felt the need to do that. I don' t know, I completely see where you're coming from and how you feel cornered.

    Do they search you?

    Sorry you did say it'd make you dissociate less. It's pretty awful that you'd have to self harm just because they wouldn't allow you carry something that wouldn't make you self harm, and would make you feel safer. I hear you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 25, 2009
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I get these images in my head that I have to carry out and when I'm stressed and panciked (which happens often in the hospital) they are worse, and the worse they get, the less control I have. These images are very grisly and graphic and very, very extreme. I think if I was able to work a suitable amount towards one of these images it might calm me for the day, although I may also have to have to do something at lunchtime (but I hope not). They would probably find out what I had done, and I would probably explain to them why, if they asked, but not in an 'it's your fault', but in an 'I couldn't cope and didn't know what else to do' type way. I'm not sure where they would stand on them being responsible or not, to be honest, but I do see what you are getting at with what you say. I think it's a very tricky one from their point of view because if they allow me, and it keeps me safe, they might allow someone else who does something horrendous (almost like me having a tool has started a precident, or something, because-not that anyone else knows-butif they did, they could be, well X has one, why can't I). I can see that them having to keep patients 'safe' is important, but obviously, each patient has a different safe, which is where their protocols fall down.

    No, they don't search me (at leas they haven't yet). I could have it in my bag and no tell anyone, or I could have smaller versions in my pocket (I have recently been caryring it in my pocket because I've needed extra security). I just really hat lying. I suck at it so much! And iven they have told me that I can't have it, I don't want to let them down. Equally, I don't want to get thrown out of hospital because this is my last chance at getting better (my CMHT have deemed me too complex to help and discharged me, this therapy is away from my CMHT), so I REALLU have to make it count, or else I'm stuck like this forever.

    I just want to feel better.
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Maybe, in the short term, self harming and going into day treatment, will be beneficial. What's important, maybe is how the treatment being offered, helps you in the long term.

    Their protocols don't take into consideration that people self harm for different reasons, and your reason right now, is out of stress, maybe because the hospital setting makes everything worse for you. :hug:

    There's nothing wrong Scum, with letting your care coordinator know, that you feel pushed into a corner. You're not letting anyone down by self harming or carrying tools, to keep you safe, because their way of going about things, seems to be making you feel unsafe.

    I do hear what you're saying and you're in such a difficult position!

    Could you talk to anyone in your treatment team about what it is about hospital that makes you feel so out of control, scared and panicky- as maybe they influence the images and the urges to self harm? Maybe they could make things less stressful for you, if they knew how you felt?

    You're not a bother for being honest with the people in your care. You're an individual and sometimes the treatment being offered doesn't listen to what you're expressing/feeling at a certain time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 25, 2009
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all the replies ggg :)

    I get what you are saying so thank you. Yes, their way to deal with this is making me unsafe. If I wasn't in active crisis then I could cope easier, for sure, but right now, it's just going to flip me out.

    I think they are all working against me to hurt me and make me worse. They keep saying they want to help but really they want to see me fuck up. I've known for a few years the professionals want me dead, and right now, it seems is a time when they do want me dead. I have to kee going to the hospital though, because if they realise I am aware, again, then they might actively kill me as opposed manipualting me and waiting for me to kill myself.

    The problem with the hospital is the other people (I can't cope with them) and the therapy itself. Recently we have been focusing on emotion exposure and I can't cope with, or tolrate my emotionjs when I'm in a crisis, so all it;'s done the past few times is make me worse. I wonder if the other memebrs of the group are in on it too, and not just the professionals :|

    They scare me. Sometimes part of carrying a blade is so that if anyone tries to kill me I can get there first, and kill myself before they do. MAybe they want me to not have my blades so that they can kill me and I won;t be able to react to that.
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I did 'good'/ It was satisfying, it calmed the panic, it;'s made me tired and hungry, it's eased the nightmare my brain gives me. IT's how I'm going to end up stpending my week, and probablyu longer. This is so messed up.
  15. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Scum - i really wish you had another name i could use because you are not scum - i have found this topic very interesting. I can hear your pain and confusion. I understand carrying a tool, i fortunately don't do this all the time but if i know i have a stressful day ahead of me, or if i'm in the middle of a bad episode i will take my tool around with me too. Sometimes i use it, sometimes not. Sometimes like you just having it with me, even if it is in my bag the whole day and i don't see it, offers me relief.

    I was interested in what you(and others) have said about substituting something else for the tool. I have done this in the past - it has always been something that has meant something to me, or more to the point made me feel less alone. What i feel helps one day won't necessarily the next, it is all down to a feeling that i get when i touch an object. I'm not sure how sad and crazy this is to admit too but i have taken around small toys with me in the past, and i have made up imaginary people that can follow me around all day. For me it is having that something i can 'hold' onto even if it is in a figurative way.

    I hope i am interpreting you right but it sounds like you carry around your tool to keep yourself in control. From an outsiders perspective your fears are interesting because therapy should be one of the few places where a person can be out of control and still feel safe. From the sound of it your tool seems to have so much connotation surrounding it. It sounds to me that you are not just simply giving up an object but what you are really doing is opening up and being exposed.And that is your biggest fear. It sounds like your tool is your safe-guard to prevent yourself from being too vulnerable, and potentially, in your eyes, so vulnerable that people could kill you. From this i mean to imply that although you may feel your tool offers protection, it could also be holding you back from recovery.

    I understand the need to be in control. I understand the deep seated fear of what could happen if i/you aren't in control. But it seems to me that slowly giving up your tool, could be the start of the process that will allow you more freedom and recovery generally. To be honest, and i hear your fears about the health professionals wanting to kill you, i think being in a hospital environment is the best and safest place to do something you don't feel you can do without being at risk from others and yourself. It could be a step in the right direction.

    But i do understand how scary it is to give up something that offers protection, it seems counter-productive to give up something that keeps you in control, i agree....and i have to say there are things i should do that i'm too scared to right now also.
  16. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for your reply. You've really given me something to think about.

    Something that has come up a few times recently is that I ALWAYS have to be 'ok', or rather, appear to be ok. One of my fears when going to the hospital was that I might do something and appear 'crazy'.

    I'm terrified of flipping out there and being seen as 'crazy', of them seeing the real me. That loss of control, is avery deep fear. I'm petrified of having to be restrained, or being sectioned/admitted again, I'm terrified of people seeing what's behind the front. I'm just absolutely terrified.
  17. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I completely hear you- about the worry of being sectioned, about showing the real you, the terrifying emotions you're experiencing in case you get punished. I wish I had something helpful to say but I know what it feels like to feel like everybody's out to kill you when the treatment being offered doesn't listen to what you're saying. What SweetSurrender said about the fear of vulnerabilty is interesting too- and maybe that's why you feel the need for the tool so much- because you're maybe you feel forced, to show things, when you're not ready.

    I do encourage you though, to talk about these fears to a nurse or whoever's in your care. Maybe once you start talking about your fears privately, to one nurse rather than a whole group (that sounds so frightening and I empathise with the stress that might cause you) maybe you'll feel more in control, about what's happening to you in this day centre?

    I doubt they want to kill you. But I can understand your feelings so well cos I feel the same way. What they want you to do, is do their therapy and not take into consideration that - maybe, you're in a crisis right now, and/or that you need something specific for you.

    What you're saying about being in a crisis and feeling vulnerable is so understandable. Do the team know you're in a crisis? Because group therapy, from my experience shouldn't be compulsory if you're in a crisis.

    And about emotion exposure- when you're so used to operating on a detached/survival type way- it's so so understandable you're feeling the way you do, if what's going on underneath scares you so much.

    Do you get individual therapy? If you do, then maybe you could tell them that you're in a crisis.
  18. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply ggg.

    Yes, they most definitely know I am in crisis. They have deemed me very high risk right now from the risk assessment they carried out this week. People are being very careful with me. I've been taken aside a couple of times out of/away from group to talk about what's atcually going on. The group themselves know I am in crisis but definitely don't know any of the gruesome details. To be fair, this is the most major thing they have done, genberally they have appeared to try and help, even if I couldn't take their help at that time.

    The group is run by two people. My therapist runs the group, and another therapist sits in. The other therapist is the one that goes out with people if they struggle with staying in the room for whatever reason. She also offered to take my tool this week just gone. I was thinking maybe I could talk to her before the session and maybe ask her to look after my tool during the session, and to bring it if I have to leave.

    I am definitely scared of showing things I don't want to show. Whenever things ave got tough before I have been dropped, and I don't want that to happen again. I'm trying desperately to be ok, like, really, really hard, but I'm not sure I'm pulling it off :| I rally want to make the most of this group not fall apart and blow my chances.

    It's unfortunate because my therapist is off this week, otherwise I could call her an make a plan but she's not back until next week, so that's out of the question, and the other therapist only works on the day I am in and the day after, so I can't call her either.

    I'm just swinging back and forth with what to do, what I believe, what I think I know, all sorts of stuff. Right now, I am SO confused and desperate.

    I do have individual therapy. I haven't had any this week because my T has been off, but I will next week, unfortunately it will be the day after the group.

    The needs and images are increasing with each passing day. I just wished I had called the other T yesterday. I can't change it now, but if I had had a plan for next week, maybe it might have made a difference. I just feel like I'm free falling.
  19. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so tired of all this. Tired of the daily battle, of pretending to function, be ok, be saen. I actually want to be those things, functional and ok. im not. im not functioning. im definitely not ok. i dont know what to do about next week. as it gets nearer wilder and wilder thoughts go through my head. stabbing myself. strangling myself. swalloiwing 'stuff'. i can see my self fliping out. its veyr scary. ive also got this part that is a cool clam side and what will be will be, which is even scarier. my head is so messed.

    this post may get edited for methods, or something. sorry if i broke rules.
  20. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I think it's brave of you to open up here- cos I can understand that's difficult, especially when you're feeling the way you are.

    I'm so glad to hear you have a therapist that takes you out separately and you feel you can talk to, as I'm glad to hear you get individual therapy but it's unfortunate the session is the day after your group and she's cancelled this week. I'm also relieved to hear that your group is treating you carefully and that you've gone through a risk assessment.

    That's a good idea you have, to tell the therapist to look after the tool before the next session- maybe this would stop you hurting yourself too badly before the next session. :hug:

    But I do hear you're free falling and the thoughts are getting more scary, which is understandable- you feel like you want to make the best of group, you don't want to flip out, you want to be seen as ok- so you can make the best out of group, but then again, what the group is offering seems to put you at risk too. Your confusion and fear is understandable.

    It's good that you're actually articulating what these images are- when you've got to this point in the past, has anything helped- such as , maybe writing, drawing, or using the tool, or using the methods of harm you mention to things you could make, like sculptures? I don't know if that would help- but you sound so insightful as to what's going on for you- and maybe there are things you've done in the past to limit harm to yourself, to ease the intensity of these thoughts and images that I don't know of. Maybe you have ways of coping that would come in helpful right now.

    You say you've got a cool calm side, maybe a side that's very remote- do you think that side knows what to do- as to how to keep yourself safe until the next session, how to perhaps ease your anxiety?

    I do hear your desperation, and I do hear your fears. I wish you all the best as you're going through so much right now.