I'm not going to go into long details of why I am here and what has brought me to this point but, suffice it to say I've been struggling since I was in my teens and today was going to be the day. Preparations were made, supplies readied, schedule double-checked. I was for the first time in my entire life finally content and peaceful. I've *never* felt this way so I took a moment to simply enjoy the feeling. Glancing into the mirror I noticed that I looked a bit, dare I say, happy so I took a few moments to relish the thought before going into the other room. That moment was wonderful really as I don't think I've ever seen myself actually content/happy/calm/whatever it is called. After, I gave my plants a bit of water, made sure the furniture was dusted and with an almost feeling of relief went on to my room. I failed. I don't know what happened and at this point I really don't care. I woke up and now on top of physically having a tremendous headache (which will dissipate - physically I'll be okay) I feel more of a failure than I ever have in my entire existence. I showered, threw everything back into the closet and taped the box shut not knowing if I'll ever open it again then headed to the kitchen to make a sandwich. So here I am: standing at the kitchen counter and munching on a cheese sandwich immediately after trying to exit this existence. I've heard that when you "get to that point" then you can only feel better but I can tell you right now I feel more defeated than ever. Was this even the best decision and no, I don't mean "exit method" - I've researched this for many weeks and for me this was right. I'm talking about timing. Was now the right time, even? Or should I even be doing this? It took me so long to gain the strength and courage and now I'm beginning to second guess my own thought processes. I'm just trying to find the logic behind all this ... there *is* a logic, yeah? So here I am, cheese sandwich in one hand, single-finger typing with the other and feeling so broken. My question to you is: now what?