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Now what?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bluefish, Feb 10, 2009.

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  1. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    Just when I start to think that things may be getting better and I have some outlook of hope, something just drags me down. This is today.

    I have come to the realization that for the past 5+ years, I have been alone.

    I am tired of doing everything alone. I came to a town where I could find opportunities for work, but that meant leaving my entire family behind. I have lived alone, eaten alone, slept alone, watched TV alone for the majority of this time and I am sick and tired of it. Even when I was engaged, we lived in separate towns and spent 98% of our relationship away from one another. I caught a glimpse of what life would be like if you actually shared it with someone you loved and that you came home to every night, and I lost that. I don't want to go back to being alone. I feel lonelier now than I ever have. No matter what I do throughout the day - go to a movie, go shopping, go to work, hang out with friends - I still have to come home to an empty house, I still have to sleep and wake alone.

    There is no hope. There is no joy, there is no sense of fulfillment for what I have done with my life. After he left, I saw that this is not the life I want. And right now, the only single thought that keeps crossing my mind is "Do it." No one seems to understand the hell I am in right now, and nothing helps. I don't know what to do.
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey hun. . .

    don't do it.

    i am lonely too. i understand. what i want most in life is someone to share with, to laugh and to cry with. to be with.

    and i have managed to keep MY end of that bargain up - but not 'him'. whatever. ultimately he loses. (as your ex-sig. other loses)

    i believe that when a door slams shut - another door opens. life is full of beauty - and you deserve that beauty. love, acceptance, companionship, connection.

    i have been stomped to the ground, but, i believe i can continue to live and seek what i believe is the finest thing in life - love -

    i care about you - pm me anytime. i am around each day - and will be. . . . i found (AND FIND) so much support here. . . . xxx :hug:
  3. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Its just so hard to see the good things that may come out of this when you're surrounded by darkness all the time. And its a lot harder when you feel you have to go through this alone. People here have helped me so much, but its so different when you leave the forum and you have to face the reality of being alone.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Bluefish,
    Welcome to the forum!! I know how you feel about being lonely. Have you thought about maybe taking some night classes for something. It would be a good place to meet ppl and who knows you might get lucky and meet a nice guy. There are other things you could also try like a group or something.
    I see your from Austin. I lived in SanMarcos for a few years, pretty town. Is the Armadillo world headquarters still there? I went to alot of concerts there. Really liked that place. I hope you stick around the forum you will make alot of friends here. Take care!!~Joseph~
  5. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    Thanks Joseph

    I don't know if San Marcos is still the Armadillo headquarters but now I know where they are all hiding :)
    I applied to grad school for this Fall. Other than that, I don't do anything after work besides come home and come here. The thing with me is that I don't want to be around other people. I don't feel any joy and I just feel like a downer. Id rather be alone than make someone else feel sad or uncomfortable. I'm sure my friends get tired of me and my situation, especially since they all have lives and partners of their own to take care of. I can't expect them to drop everything because I can't handle my own life.
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    yeah. . . it is hard. . . when you are not on 's.f. ' cause we are here for each other here. . but it is up to US to get through the day -to- day real life. . . alone.
    (some of us have others, some don't)

    however, we ARE here to help you through the rough times. you can share, you can vent, you can get support and eventually, i am just sure, that each of us can see that door that opens. . .. and into a better place

    gotta get through this part first. . . though. ... so keep reaching. you are doing the right thing,. ... xxx
  7. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    I've always assumed that nobody needs me in their lives and that I have nothing to contribute. I've isolated myself and it has become increasingly difficult to connect with others. So I know what you are talking about. There are no easy answers. All I can say is that things can get even worse than they have been, and tomorrow can be even more depressing than today.

    But I bet that there is something simple that you can do to help change things around. One good day will lead to others.
  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I am alone to, and it makes me want to die. It is really painful, and hard to understand unless you have been through it. I am sorry you are feeling so bad right now. You are not the only one struggling with these feelings and not the only one who finds themselves alone and missing the connection they once had. It hurts a lot to feel that loneliness.
  9. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Five years is a long time. :hug:

    I've tried to offset my loneliness with a slew of random group activities including joining my city's gay men choir (though I'm not gay and can't sing :laugh:). Getting out of the house can make you feel better.


    Glad you found SF.
  10. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone, I appreciate the kind words of support.

    Today started off well, and then it spiraled down when our mutual friend said he went by her house to drop off the keys to my house. It's really over, and there is no hope to cling on for us.

    I just can't stop crying, I just got home and I am so sad. What is worth hanging on to? I am always easily forgotten, thrown aside once they have taken everything I had to give. I'm left with nothing, I'm empty and void of hope. I don't see the bright side of this. I really just want to end it all, just to end this pain. He isn't coming back, no one ever comes back, no one misses me, I'm always having to do this alone. I'm so tired, I am in so much pain and nothing helps.
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