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Now What???????????

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Jan 21, 2010.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I made a promise, I kept it and in the process it meant I fucked up once again. I failed AGAIN!!!!!!! I thought I timed it right but had no idea a cruiser was in my area. They showed up toooooo soon. No more promises. I make them I get hurt. Others make them I get hurt.

    So I'm home. I should be in a pward. Yes I know that. But why? Why waste the time? I've been there plenty of times before. At this point it wont help. I'm still actively suicidal. I was dead honest with the docs and crisis worker at the hospital. And I'm home.

    CFS has taken my little one. Which was the instructions I left for the police. But now they are saying I wont get him back. They will let my abusive s.o.b. of an ex keep my other children but me?????

    So I'm home. If I wasnt so frickin wiped out from the meds from the attempt and my wrists werent so damn sore I'd be planning again. I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE!!!!!!!

    So many of you say you want to help me. Why? Well if you want to now is your chance. My littlest one is gone. My "adopted daughter" has slipped away. My oldest is on his own and the other two live with their dad and nothing I can do about that ( and believe me I have spent YEARS trying to change that) so I have nothing to hold on for or to.

    I never said I was anyones hero. My kids are all I had. So what now?????
    I just want to be dead. That's all.
  2. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are still here

    love and hugs yorkie xxxxx
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Why doesnt anyone understand? IM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fucked up. I failed. Now I have nothing. Why did I leave the hospital? Because the doc said I could. And because there is nothing they can do for me. They dont fix your hope when it's broken or gone. They dont give you back strength and courage. They dont fix your mental health issues. They only rid your body of what you did to it. And then thank you very much you're on your way. What a waste of all the meds and the blade that they threw away. Now I have to go get another one. Thank God I saved some of the meds. No more playing by anyone elses rules but mine. My God even my own mother went behind my back and now she is already complaining about my little one. MY MOTHER!!!! Fuck them all! This is about me and for me not them. No nobody this time. Just me.
  4. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    <Mod Edit: Shades-inappropriate>

    Sorry but I really don't understand what your on about.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2010
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry I'm wasting your time bringer. You're right it's not important at all.
  6. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    Well. Put the pipe down and we can talk.
  7. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    bringer, don't belittle people's problems please
  8. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    What problem was that?

    I'll fix it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2010
  9. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Listen I don't know what you can continue for. I'm in a similair situation and frankly I got nothing to live for right now but the cool sensations I get from satisfying basic necessities like food, water and sleep.

    But your kids are still alive! Do they love you? Do you love them? Can you work out visitation to see them on occassions?

    Things sometimes get better just as they look the worst. Cutting hurts, and it almost never works. You need to take some "me-time". Do something for yourself. Do you have friends? What do you like to do?

    Right now you are too upset to deal with your problems. You need to do anything you can right now to provide yourself with releif.

    Please PM I would like to help you.
  10. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    You know,this brings a quote from Evan almighty to mind.

    "when Someone asks for courage,does god give them courage or the opportunity to be corageous?"

    I'm not religious. Hell, even if I was I wouldn't pay too much attention to the big man. But I do think that quote had relevance. With every failure comes opportunity. The Phoenix rises again. Sure, ruffled, maybe a bit scarred, but alive.

    Take that opportunity. If you can't see one, make one. And I'm sure a good person like you will go far.

    You have my respect bro: I wouldn't be able to string a sentence together if I felt like you do now.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sorry your childrens love is not enough right now sorry they did not help you or support you in the hospital I would have told them no i am staying you have to make me stable so i can be around another day to be with my kids.
    I guess i am likely that way as i can see i will never hurt them no matter how much she hurts me I will never hurt her never. take care go back to hospital and tell them to quit fffffff up and get you some help.
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I feel sick to my stomach trying so hard to not try again. so relaxing feeling myself drain away just like the blood. It is so fucking unfair feeling that peace the last thing i remember feeling and then bam waking up in the hospital. I want that place again i need it. Right now i need it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so so peaceful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    its been hard enough today with the 2 that called and calmed me somewhat when i was too close but now all alone just me and the things I need. i just want to make it all stop goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    damn it i cant do this alone i cant fight it too much sorry
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

  15. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    nobody here nobody anywhere ah fuck it i tried
  16. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    call the police and get yourself admitted.
  17. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    Come on mate, be on a irc chanel, or msn, or something with people. If you can't stop yourself, maybe just talking to people, not with the intention of solving your problems, but with the intention of keeping going , maybe that could help.

    Feel free to add my msn (bunniesandsheep@hotmail.com)

    good luck! Fight on!
  18. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Sis,
    You know once you get your head straight you will get your yooungest one back.. They prefer a child be with there natural parents.. Give yourself time to heal..I know there is someone in there.. You couldn't give the good advice and support if there wasn't..Please don't harm yourself..And don't listen to bringer of light.. He's banned for good reason.. Your a kind heart and it keeps getting stepped on.. Only you can make the changes needed.. We will stand beside you and hang on..Like they always say just baby steps for now..Love You, Bro
  19. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    Keep trying keep trying, I know you are struggling so much out there, I am sorry I wasn't here to see your messages, I was still asleep here on the other side of the pond.. please PM me if you want to vent or something, lord knows nobody here will tell you it is easy (except for certain banned trolls)

    Keep your mind active and your hands active, go for a walk, clean something, call someone, walk around in a grocery store, go to the library, go build a snowman, go spend time with your animals, anything, just don't sit alone in there with your method!!

    Much love to you
  20. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Carla go get well once and for all go to hospital stay there do what it is necessary to show these people that you are willing to fight to get well. Please just go there be safe.
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