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Now what?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xXWhateverItTakesXx, Apr 27, 2011.

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  1. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I am really fucked up right now. I keep "attempting" but failing.
    Maybe I am just being too much of a wimp, I need to make sure I can't fail. All these attempts are doing me no good, but I don't want it to be this slow. Argh!!

    I am ripping myself apart slowly, running in circles until one day everything fails..

    I want this to just be over now...
  2. I'm sorry you feel this way, but at least you're here talking about it instead of hurting yourself, so you're doing good so far :)
    What's been going on?
  3. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I am in a lot of pain; mentally and physically so this leads me to attempt, and then it fails so I feel worthless. So I keep trying, everytime doing myself more damage that I know will kill me, not right now but in the future.

    I have been doing this for years, so I guess my insides won't be too good, along with drinking and the SH... I just can't do this..

    Even though everything that has happened is in the "past", it still feels so raw and I can see it so clearly, nothing helps anymore..
  4. (I'm not very good at this so forgive me if I'm saying completely the wrong thing!! You can just delete it if it's terrible...)

    I don't think anything is really 'in the past' until we are over it and it's no longer in the foremost of our thoughts... until we no longer think about it, it's still in the present...

    Perhaps your attempts fail because you don't really want them to succeed, but you do want the pain to stop, and so you try the only way you know how, but it scares you (as it would scare me...) and so it doesn't work because you don't really want it to, but then you feel like a failure because you did all of this and it still didn't work like it was supposed to..

    but again, you're here, so you're still trying, which is way better than giving up!
  5. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I think you are right. I can still see the events, clear as day so I can't get over them, I don't think I ever will.

    Sometimes I just want to punish myself because I am the one to blame for everything that has happened to me, so I deserve a slow death. But when the pain is so bad I want it to be so quick. My mind is fucked to be honest.

    I am a failure, and I will keep trying not to live, but also keep blocking the pain the only way I know how until I succeed...
  6. There are plently of other ways to punish yourself... although I must admit that I do the same thing... but perhaps instead of getting drunk to punish yourself for whatever indiscretion you felt you committed, go for a mile hike and really push and punish your body that way (unless you walk a lot, then it probably wouldn't work...)
    But that way, you're still mentally punishing yourself, but you're actually doing a good thing for your body by exercising... ?
    Maybe, lol, I don't know.. :hugs:

    I do know that you're not a failure... I don't think anyone is really a failure, although I've said it about myself enough times.. I think we're all just different and we feel like failures because we don't live up to our own expectations.. I know my expectations for myself are pretty high and I almost never make them, but that's okay, because I set them too high in the first place and set myself up to fail...
  7. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I don't always get drunk, I like to SH amongst other stuff, which is just as bad I know but I can't do anything else.

    I have a lot of trouble walking; this is some of my physical pain. As I dislocated my knee a few years back and it just hurts like hell, every day. Sometimes I go on my bike if I can, but most of the time I have no drive to do anything :(

    And I am a failure, I can never do anything right. I always do something wrong, no matter what it is. I am just a waste of space and there is no point my being here.
  8. well, if you weren't here, I couldn't be talking to you and I'm rather enjoying our conversation, so i should thank you for being here, and talking to me :)

    I do the SH thing too and while it does help at the time, it usually makes me feel even worse afterwards..and I do a lot of drugs, not alcohol but just about everything else, and while those also temporarily help, they usually end up causing more problems in the end I've discovered...

    Sorry about your knee, that sounds very painful... so... if you can't walk then.. you could clean? I hate cleaning, lol, so to me it would be a punishment to have to clean my whole house... but it's productive, and by the end of it, your house will be sparkling and it might just make you feel better because you did something worth while...
  9. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Lol, I think I can be rather boring and moan too much. But ok haha

    And with SH, I love doing it and I like the thrill of trying to hide it and making sure no one finds out., It's like a game in my mind. But when people do find out and I can't wear short tops in the boiling hot...It aint so good. I always think about drugs and I came very close to being there, but somehow, something kept me out. Maybe it because I am such a loser with no friends anymore that actually getting them is a lot harder and I wouldn't really know where to start.

    And yeah, I do a lot of cleaning. For example today I have: Cleaned the drive, cleaned my bf's mum's car, washed up plates, hoovered and general cleaning. The problem is I don't feel good after... They are things that have to be done and actually make me feel worse.

    Jeez...I am feeling so shit right now..I need to stop everything :( !!
  10. Ha, I think we can all be whiney little brats sometimes, but it's okay to be whiney and moan and bitch every now and again, it's just a part of being human :)

    I know exactly what you mean about the SH... I love the whole 'game' aspect of it too, at least until you get caught (cause you can't hide it forever, and sometimes you even want people to find out about it..) then there's all these discussions and talks and blah blah blah... pain in the ass lol

    It's good that you've stayed away from drugs, they can get very overpowering very quickly... I've lost a couple of my friends to drugs and it always hurts like hell..

    Damn thats a lot of cleaning, lol.. I would be exhausted.. Do you know why they make you feel worse? It is an accomplishment, even a small one such as cleaning the drive or the dishes.. you can look at them and know that you cleaned them and that the responsibility was taken care of for the day, even if you know you'll just have to do it again tomorrow... if you didn't do it today, there would be twice as many to take care of tomorrow and it would seem like that much more of a drain, so it's awesome that you cleaned them today :)
  11. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I am just so down, I don't see the point in anything.. I clean, it gets messy again, I clean again...It gets messy again.. I mean ughh so fucking tedious and boring..

    I am sorry, I don't know what to say anymore..I wish I would stop failing...
  12. Yeah, I know what you mean... it does seem like there's no point to it, because it just has to be done tomorrow, and the day after and the day after and it never stops and it never changes and it never gets any better so we may as well just throw up our hands and say fuck it and let the dishes build up in the sink until they're overflowing onto the counter and the floor and there's mold everywhere and a strange odor emitting from the kitchen...

    Unfortunately, that would just make everything WAY worse (cause I've done it, lol, I've been terrified to walk into my kitchen before cause I didn't want to know what was growing in there...) If you let it build up and build up, then you'll have to look at the disgusting place everyday, which will just end up bringing you down more because you live in such a filthy, disgusting house that should just be condemned and put out of it's misery...

    But you didn't let it build up... you got up and went through the effort of cleaning those stupid dishes and now your kitchen is clean and when you go in there, you can look around and say to yourself "This place looks really nice, and I made it that way." You accomplished something, a little something, but an important something...

    And yes, it is horribly tedious and boring and repetative and pointless, but so is the majority of life... we just need to be able to find the positive side of the stupid repetative things, such as you have a clean kitchen :)

    You could come over and clean my kitchen, if that would help... :)
  13. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Ty for the friend add, I accepted..

    And this is what I mean, life is pointless and that's why I am going to stop it.. I just want to cry and SH so much right now..damn it

  14. You could try the rubber band thing, or the ice cube method... both of those have worked okay for me in the past.. or you could turn your phone off, lock your door, put on some good music and take a bath :)
  15. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    What is the point? :( I will give in..

    I am hopeless..Sorry for wasting your time x
  16. aww, you didn't wasted my time :) If you were a waste of time, I wouldn't be here trying to help you, so you're obviously worth something :)

    And you can't give in... no matter how bad it is, how bad you feel, and how horrible everything is, you have to fight it... if you give up then it's all over... and yes, life sucks and it's terrible and full of pain and hate and ugliness... but there's also a lot of beauty in the world, and love and respect and friendships... and those things are too precious to give up on.. They're a lot harder to find, but when you do, they're often very special and you should stop for a moment and admire the tiny little bird singing on the tree branch, or the cloud up in the sky that looks like a bunny, or the sun setting over the mountains, or the way the water in a river washes over a rock to create rapids... (forgive me, I'm a nature freak, heh..)

    The other day I was at work and I was so depressed and all I wanted to do was just end it all.. at that moment, I spotted an elk in the field next to me.. 3 more followed him up the hill and I just sat there and watched them for about 10 minutes before they wandered off.. it just made me pause and remember that there are good things in the world, things that are worth going through all of this bullshit just so you can see them..
  17. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I don't have that kind of strength like you.. I really can't keep living like this..

    Now I am lost for words... Sat alone..crying...
  18. lol, well, if you could have seen me the night before yesterday when I was freaking out and crying so hard that I was falling over and all I wanted to do was slit my wrists and crawl into the bathtub, you might rethink that. :)

    Maybe you just need to get out of the house for a while... I know that helps me on occasion... you said you had a bf, you could call them and go do something... maybe just go to a park or a beach or a river or something and just sit for a while in the quiet? Anything other than sitting by yourself with nothing but your own thoughts tormenting you.. of course, it can be very hard to actually pull yourself up and go and do something like that... but often, after you do, the world doesn't seem like such a terrible place... it's not necessarily a good one, but it may just let you live on it for one more day... and one more day is all that counts, as they say in AA. :)

  19. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    It's nearly midnight...

    I am alone now. No one awake..
  20. Ah, it's like 4 in the afternoon here...
    Well, hmm.... you've made it this far through the night without doing anything too terrible, so that in itself is an accomplishment :)
    And you're still here and talking to me, so that's also an accomplishment...

    I suggest you drink a glass of milk (or whatever your preferred beverage is that doesn't have caffeine), curl up with a book for a little while and let your mind get lost in the story and perhaps get some sleep.. in the morning, call your bf and tell them that you had a bad night last night and that you could use a little extra love and support today. :)
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