Now what

[MoAnamCara]

So just had a major argument with my someone special. I feel like such a shit. But the guilt card gets played on me. Its not like I feel great about myself under normal circumstances, but now it seems I can't do anything right.

Everything in the last year that I've done, I've done for them. But nothing now is ever right, nothing. Theres always some smart comment made about everything. Or special things I try to do when I ask how they are I get an "ok" or similar. It hurts.

Logically I understand its the illness and the frustrations, fear and sadness from their perspective coming out to attack me as they can't attack the illness.

But I just can't do this. I can't control my emotions, I don't know what to do with them and now it appears that I've reverted back to my childhood methods of si. I don't have good coping mechanisms for dealing with things that affect me this deeply.

What do I do? How do I make myself a better person, clearly what I am now isn't working?

Is it all worth it?

I've said it before, but its always the ones we love that hurt us the most.

And, of course, I've no one to talk to about all of this. Watery eyes seem to be with me permanently anymore, trying to hold it all in, hold it all together.

 

[icequeen]

sorry Mo, i understand how hard this is. i had to endure clothes being ripped while i was wearing them, arms being twisted, bitten, all sorts of behaviour. its maddening at the time but you have to understand and accept its not them doing it. its really really difficult for both of you, but sometimes i think its harder for the carer as you have to take on their feelings as well as your own. they have no one else to get angry at, and its because they love you they can vent to you. what you need to do is decide if you can deal with these outbursts in the knowledge its not personal to you or if you walk away, how much worse would you feel when the reaper calls. you are in a no win situation i am afraid (i wont sugar coat it for u, its not fair).

all i can suggest for your own well being, is to ask yourself a few questions 1) how much you love your partner
2) how would you feel if you walked away now and they passed
3) how would you feel if you stayed
4) how would your partner feel if you left
5) right now whose need is greater

life is a conumdrum in these situations and not fair.

all i can stay is that right now maybe you dont have to deal with these arguments for too long and maybe you can find a way to block them out as i think if you walk away now..you will suffer more in the long run.

i know my pain would be a million times worse if i walked away. you are doing great in v difficult circumstances..dont add to your pain. :pinkrose:
everyone gets the pink rose tonight... take as much time out as you can...you are tired so everything will magnify

 

[MoAnamCara]

Thanks Icequeen -

They are "Mo Anam Cara" - my soul mate.

Everything is simply twisted at this time, including me.