Now what?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rai02, Aug 21, 2011.

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  1. Rai02

    Rai02 Active Member

    So, I have been kicking around taking my own life for a long time, but just recently, I thought out a plan. I have the entire thing drawn out in my head down to every last detail. I have yet to actually pull the trigger, because I am not so sure what happens after death. I have the plan, the motivation, and the means to actually do it. There is a very XXX sitting in my bedroom right now. That will be my ticket out finally.

    Aside from this, I decided to reach out for some type of help. I found SF while google searching who i could call. At that particular time I was actually ready to xxx. So, after meeting lots of you nice folks, I have held off on that plan for the time being. I have also opened up to a couple of people and talked to them about what all is going on. Why I am feeling this way, and why I have decided that right now in my life is it. This is the right time to commit suicide.

    So, after talking about some of these issues to a couple of people, I had decided to tell my husband what was going on. He asked if everything was ok, just earlier today. I told him no, that nothing was ok. I told him I was beyond depressed, I honestly think I am in a deep state of depression. I then told him that I think about killing myself. I have decided to commit suicide, and am ready to go through with it. Well, we talked for a few minutes after I let that out, and that was it. Now, several hours later he is going on like I never even brought this up. He thinks that I need to snap out of it, and just "cheer up". He does not understand. I thought telling him was going to be so hard, but he just acts like everything is ok. Meanwhile, I am dying inside and cannot get any help or support from the one that should be entitled if not at least concerned about me.

    I am his wife of almost 10 years, the mother of our 2 beautiful children, ages 3 & 6. I am supposed to be his "one and only". He is supposed to go to the ends of the Earth to protect me and keep me safe. Right now, he is sleeping in the next room where he has several different xxx in the cabinet not even locked up. I could go get one right now, and blow my fuckin head off, and it would be all too late for him to help me. He just does not get it. Now, IDK what to do. I thought by telling him, it would release some of my anxiety. It would make me feel slightly better. I feel the exact opposite.
    I am ready to kill myself now, even more than ever. The absolute only thing that keeps me here and hanging on to anything at all is the fear of the unknown. I have no idea where I will go or what will happen to me after I die. I am unsure if there is a heaven or a hell, or if it is just "lights out, game over". If that is the case, I am ready. FML........
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2011
  2. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member


    I don't entirely know what to say, so only the obvious comes to mind....

    This is an incredible situation for you, that you have been living with for quite some time. Your husband only just learned about it. Myself, when I first faced my depression, I tried for years to ignore it - and it was MINE. You have to understand that his first intuition is going to be to leave it alone - it should fix itself.

    You need to bring up today's talk to him again tomorrow. He will help you, but right now he is hoping he can help you by being normal, calm, and cheery. You need to give him a chance to understand the depth of the problem - and to give him that chance you need to talk about it more.

    Don't consider where you might go... Just stay.
  3. Comrade Napoleon

    Comrade Napoleon Well-Known Member

    I met you last night. We talked about the original reason why Corn Flakes were invented. I didn't see a sad person when I talked to you last night.

    I guess we mask our true feelings too well.

    When you said medication cabinet I will tell you those methods don't work. They have high chances of survival and increase chances that it will leave scaring on your liver. It not worth it. I am not saying to find another method, but suicide is not a way to go. You have so much. You have a children and husband. You can't leave them.

    You are in pain and depressed, if you think suicide will relieve that you are wrong. Pain is temporary; Suicide is forever.

    You husband carry on after you told him your plans of suicide probably doesn't mean he doesn't care. It probably means he doesn't fully understand what you are going through. People say all the time "OMG I am so mad that I could kill myself" and many people do that it literally. It just seems so sad to end like that.
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Rai! :hugtackles: I met you last night too. :) Glad to see others have enjoyed your company as well. As for your husband.. I have hope that he will gradually gain some sort of an understanding as to what you are going through. I believe that... With kindest personal regards, Mr. A
  5. pbobble

    pbobble Well-Known Member

    Hi rai

    I am in a similar situation with a definite plan for suicide. Yet can relate to the fear of the unknown which has also prevented me from taking action so far.

    Maybe there's a reason for this fear and its effect on limiting action.

    Its hard when people give you the snap out of it or think positive talk, I think it comes from a lack of understanding of the experience from not having been through it, though it is almost always well meaning.

    I hope your husband finds a way to give you the support that you need and that it helps you feel better.
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