See you laters are said, people hug and say take care. My soulmate is gone. Now what happens? How do I pick up my life? Can I? Thinking tonight again about the thoughts of not being here. Strength - so many people say I have it. But, I don't. Sure it may appear that way, but inside I feel all jumbled up. I don't know what way to turn, what to do next. I don't know if I can be without them. I don't feel I can. I am scared alone. I worry about every stupid thing. A noise here or there, bad weather, looking after the animals, future source of income, bills that need paid, things that need done, what happens if something breaks down etc. etc. etc. It all seems way too much right now. Yes, a day at a time is the way to go - I do understand this, but in reality it is hard to get my mind to function that way. I'm just not wired to think in small increments. Am debating about cancelling T tomorrow. I don't care if I have to pay for it or not. I do care that I'm not sure how good it will do me to go. Probably more tears and I can't do that. I've shed enough. I'm not sure I want to become this reliant on my T - its not a regular relationship - it exists for 45 mins once a week. How is that meant to help? This time of night, in trying to rest, is the worst time of day. I want to give up. I can't struggle through this over and over and over. So, my choices are.... this or this or this. I am really alone. I don't know what to do now.